Dan Espinoza quotes from Lucifer

Dan

Classic Chloe. Only you would make a point of remembering the exact amount of time you can't remember.

Dan

[standing in front of Charlotte Richards' grave] I miss you so much. So damn much, Charlotte. You fought so hard to be a better person. And you made me believe I could be better, too. [sighs] And I'm trying. But I always fall short. And now I've seen something. Something that proves just how important it is to get it right. To be good. [softly whimpers] And the good news is I'm--I'm pretty sure this means that you're in Heaven, just like Amenadiel said. But the bad news is I don't think I'm gonna be joining you. [gets down on his knees sobbing] I'm terrified, Charlotte. F-for me, f-f-for Chloe,... for Trixie! [cries] I need help. I just need help. I need guidance. I need... I need a sign', I need something. Help me. Please. Help me.

Dan Espinoza

I don't know whether to laugh or shoot you.

Lucifer

Surprise me.

Dan

Once I engage with her, I will hire her to fix a problem of mine.

Lucifer

Right. Well, if it's that stick up your ass, I'm afraid there's no one strong enough to pull that out.

Dan

What in God's name are you doing here?

Lucifer

Nothing in His name. Here on my own, actually.

Dan

We brought you a birthday gift.

Lucifer

Is that the royal "we"?

Chloe

Whiskey with a pickle juice chaser. It's our station's birthday tradition.

Lucifer

Lovely! How can I refuse? Can I refuse?

Dan

Of course you can. and we'll always think less of you.

Dan

Okay, monkey, surprise. You get to eat chocolate cake in bed tonight.

Trixie

Why?

Dan

Does it matter?

Trixie

Nope.

Dan

You don't care who you piss off, do you?

Lucifer

Not in the slightest, no.

Chloe

Just pretend you don't know Lucifer.

Dan

I already like it.

Charlotte

Detective

Dan

Counselor.

Lucifer

Douche.

Dan

Dick.

Charlotte

Well, I suppose that's my cue.

Lucifer

[reading, chuckling] "You pathetic sad sack. No wonder you didn't get tenure. Your experiments are as ugly as you are." Well said, Detective.

Dan

[alarmed, but trying to be sarcastic] Seriously? Insulting a serial killer? That's an awesome idea.

Lucifer

Thank you. Also, his mask is a bit lame. Could've been much creepier. Put that in. [Chloe does]

Chloe

You really told Lucifer where I was? Since when do you guys talk.

Dan

Since he helped me save your life.

Amenadiel

So, I've been, um, walking a mile in Lucifer's shoes, to learn more about him. To try to understand him.

Dan

Bro, what's there to understand? The guy does what he wants, says what he wants, he gets away with it. He parties constantly, he apparently has an endless supply of cash, drives a sick-ass ride (to bartender: "Thanks."), and gets to have sex with a different hot girl every night.

Amenadiel

.... What a terrible, lonely existence.

Dan

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sounds awful.

Lucifer

Daniel. Your head is mostly empty.

Dan

[distracted] Huh?

Lucifer

Exactly, and yet you manage to do this improv thing.

Chloe

Who's Todd Cornwell?

Ella

Exacty. Todd Cornwell... Class loner, acne, Coke-bottle glasses, whole bit. Went to college overseas, and when I stalked Kathleen's classmates online, Todd was the only one with zero social media presence.

Chloe

Lucifer. You could go as Todd.

Dan

Yeah. No, seriously. Look, he looks just like you.

Lucifer

Has all that masturbation finally caught up with your eyesight, Daniel? No one would believe that, even if I tell them I've had a face and body transplant.