TV show quotes
(to Rick) Can you not go near the lamp? Don’t go near the lamp! Don’t go near the lamp!
Can you keep it down please? Hannah! Can you keep it down? Can you keep it down please?
Can you try and have a little bit of respect? That was a lonely expensive one. Don’t do it anymore otherwise you will get out.
Oh, no, no, no. That ice-cream isn’t for eating now. Have you tried the pistachio? It’s really nice.
So, what’s your movie about?
The movie. Um… Basically, me and Hugh Grant, we play these, um, two English waiters, who have to raise money for this poor blind kid who wants the train to become a chef. So, uh, they do this bang robbery. Yeah. Big Heist. But it goes wrong. So, we have to hide the money in a… in, in a big cake.
Hey, that’s cool!
Yeah, in a big creamy cake. But, um, that gets stolen by the angry fat people.
Sounds kind of dumb.
Yeah, there’s dumb and there’s dumb. I mean this is dumb, innit? But, in a kind of more deep meaningful way.
Cheers then. Anyway, yeah, me and Hugh Grant. We go way back. Yeah.
Oh, he’s so cool.
Yeah, he’s a good friend of mine.
I’m a big fan of his.
Yeah.
He’s wonderful. Cool.
Yeah.
Jon, what is going on? Who are all these people?
I’ve got no idea, mate. But if you can’t beat them, you might as well join them.
Join them? Join them? Look! Look, are you mad? Look at what they’re doing to the statue!
Oh, it’s too late. It’s gone too far. Instead of fighting against the tide, you might as well just let yourself get swept out to see.
All right, bro?
All right.
(screaming like a girl)
(screaming like a girl)
What time is breakfast?
That’s it. We’re dead.
Yeah, well noticed.
Oh, he fancied this bike, really?
(sighs) Look at the mess. This is bad. We’re dead.
Dead as doornails.
Guys, we better tidy up.
Before five?
But what kind of music do you like at your funeral?
Here, drink some water. Are you okay?
I think I’m gonna die. (She drinks)
(to everyone) We gave you guys our trust and this is how you repay us? Look what you’ve done to this place! I mean you could be sued, I could be sued. If we stay out of jail, it’ll be a total miracle.
Oh, come on, Joni. Don’t overdo it.
Okay. So there were couple of glasses broken, but it’s-it’s more mess than anything.
Yeah. Just think of it like a kind of big city rubbish tip.
What are you guys gonna do about this?
Maybe we should call Ventura dustbusters. Maybe not.
You are so lucky that the owner is not here. That’s all I can say.
Oh my god! He is! (She faints)
You the house sitters?
They are!
Are?
What did you do to my house? I leave this place in your charge as a monument to taste discretion and power pelting. I come back after a few weeks and what do I find?
I said what do I find?
A scene of complete devastation?
Exactly!
This one isn’t broken?
My first wife gave me this vase. (smashing the vase on the ground) No wonder I never like this place. It was always far too tidy. I had forgotten what it was like to let my hair down. But you guys have reminded me that rock and roll still lives. You are the best house sitters ever. So, what are you waiting for? Let’s PARTY!
What, again?
Oh, isn’t this nice one of us living together again?
Yeah.
Good dinner, Tina.
Pleasure.
Yeah. It’s not much, but it’s home.
Especially now we’ve managed to pay for it for once.
Paul, you can stop being sensible now.
Okay.
You ready, Brad?
I am indeed, bro.
Okay. Let’s do it then, yeah?
Alright.
You’re moving closer so I can see your face.
(sighs annoyingly) Bradley!
Paul, no one wants to see your handwriting, alright? If we’re gonna make a doc soap, they wanna see a character. A star. A geezer, and luckily, I’m available.
Brad, just drop the card.
Okay. Excellent.
(He starts filming around closer to Hannah who is busy watching something on TV)
Yes? Can I help you?
Hannah Spearritt, famous singer and actress from the UK. What she lacks in inches, she makes up for her in talent. So, Hannah, tell us. How does it feel being complete nobody in the UK and completely unknown in the US?
Bog off, Paul.
Fair enough.
The name’s McIntosh. Bradley McIntosh. License to kill and to thrill the ladies.
Bradley, I’ll come back to you when I’m desperate.
So you say “He’s rich. He’s handsome and he’s a great kisser.” Rachel, I already don’t see what your problem is.
Well, I kind of may have sort of told him that I was a member of the British royal family.
Paul, we’re trying to have a private conversation here.
Just treat me like I’m not here.
That’d be easier when you’re gone.
Jo, who’s happy-go-lucky exterior masks a violent personality?
Go away.
Oh. Ooh! Oh, look. You think some people will be grateful to have a documentary made about them?
Paul, you’ve been making this documentary for the past 3 weeks. It was quite funny at first.
No. That’s just irritating.
I know, I know. But I’ve only got 400 hours of footage and most of that has Bradley in it.
Well, go film something else then.
Yeah. Jon’s in the bath. Go film in.
Cool.
Why do you think this guy killed you?
Okay, I’m off to Muscle Beach.
Okay.
It’s the first day of my job down there.
Go.
She was pushed!
I’m teaching a class called dance yourself fit.
Okay.
(weeping)
Then later, I plan to be abducted by aliens, and dissected.
Gotcha.
You don’t care, do you? You don’t give a part that I’m the only one in this apartment with a proper job.
Let me get you something…
I’m sorry, Tina. It’s just difficult to give a part about anything when Troy’s about to leave his wife and seven adorable baby daughters, and run off with his secretary, or possibly his mother.
(Off-screen) Paul, GET OUT NOW!
Honestly! Some people just don’t deserve to be in this business we call show. (sitting down next to Hannah) Eh?
5, 6, 7, 8, reach! We’ll change. Tap, tap, kick! Stamp, stamp, stamp, stamp, reach, reach! Dig, dig! And turn, and punch, punch, punch! Click, click, click! Together, over the head. Click, click, click, click, click. Come on and reach! Click, click, click! Together, over your head! (She stops and turns off the music) Okay, that’s it, everyone. And I can honestly say I’ve never seen a group of people with so much room for improvement.
Hey! Come on, you guys! Who wants to work out with me? (She starts jogging on the spot then stops) Wimps.
You should be careful for checking you’re strong.
No kidding.
Hi. My name’s Ryan.
Mmm. I’m Tina, but you have to take my word for it.
Okay. That was quite a class. You ever kill anybody?
No. I dance to me.
(chuckles) Well, I’m beat and hungry. Wanna grab a bite?
I couldn’t eat another thing.
Oh, one more, Jo, and this time, could you just chew a bit more quizzically?
Careful! This is a highly sophisticated piece of equipment. I call it my steady Eddie for recording on telly.
And I call it a plank of wood, the camera set a tape to it.
So, Tina’s having lunch with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
With a guy she met down Muscle Beach. She said she was lovely and she’s gonna get the photos to prove it.
See, I think that’s all unnatural all the exercise.
Bradley, you think pushing a carpet sweep is unnatural.
Yeah, but it’s not gonna make you look any more attractive to look like you got dozens of ferrets crawling around and your skin. Does it, Han?
No! No, no. Of course not. We don’t fancy Muslim men, do we, Jo?
Oh, no.
Aye-aye, sexy!
Oh, my diddy!
Strike a pose! How do you do?
Whoo!
And now we hear the mating cry of the single desperate female on heat.
Hi.
Hi there.
So, how was it?
Did you get the photos developed?
No. He’s lovely. I think he’s the best looking bloke I’ve ever been on the date with.
It’s not exactly stiff competition, Tina. Your last one looked like the model for gargoyles.
Shut it. He’s blonde. He’s got blue eyes and the best teeth since Tom Cruise had his teeth fixed, and he kissed me.
Ooh!
Just a back on my lip but it was a passionate back, and he wants to see me again tonight.
Ooh!
Jo, can I have a sip of your water?
Ooh…! (Tina notices Bradley making the sound of it) Sorry, I wasn’t concentrating.
Jon, can you just find a spot and lie on it?
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, it’s not as simple as that. We have to find the optimum spot for the best tan. Aha! I think we’ve hit the mother-load.
I think you’ve already had too much sun.
Okay. So we’re all set for the perfect sunbathe.
Mhm.
There’s just one ingredient missing.
Ice-cream.
Hi, um. Can I have a non-fat neutral sweetness frozen tofu bar please?
Sure. The mango, the cranberry, the kiwi, the banana, the orange, the coconut, grapefruit. the pomegranate.
Um, kiwi please. No, no, no. Orange. No, cranberry. No, mango! Oh, I don’t know!
(to the Ice-cream Man) That’s an information overload, you idiot. You can’t take that! Come here, Rach. It’s alright.
Hey, did you move my towel cos I wanted to go there?
Sorry, man. I need those rays and my light meter said “This is the place.”
Yeah, but that was my towel, and this being a beach international beach law applies… to wit. That towel had my power of attorney while I was away purchasing an ice-cream and was exercising my entirely fair and appropriate prior claim to that spot.
You’re from out of town, aren’t you? Well, around here, a towel cannot act as a marker, unless said marker status has been agreed upon by all parties involved prior to the towel being applied to the sand.
Oh, come on. Where’d you get that load of old part from?
From the guy moved my towel last week about 3 seconds before I kicked his butt.
Yeah? Well, you better watch out or maybe Jon will kick YOUR butt.
Yeah! Rachel, are you insane? Have you seen the size of him? I couldn’t even reach his butt.
Now, if you don’t move your towel and you’re incredibly muscly, shiny and yummy body immediately, you are gonna be in a serious amount of trouble, young man.
Oh, yeah. Who says?
He does?
Heh. You know what? I think I’m burning. There is such a thing as too much sun, you know.
Jon may look really small and weedy, but I can assure you. He is fully trained in all British martial arts. So if you don’t want to wear those teeth as a necklace shift.
Uh, Rachel.
Okay. That’s it. We are gonna settle this like men.
Do we have to?
Yep. But not here. There are women and children present. Tomorrow 5pm Muscle Beach, we arm wrestle for this spot.
Arm wrestle.
Yep.
And, um, will you be using a normal arm, or, or that?
Are we on? Well?
Um…
Too right we are. He’ll be there, and he’s gonna wipe the floor with you and then do the windows.
Uh-oh. I’ve made a big mistake.
Yeah. I’ll say you have.
I should’ve had the coconut.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's L.A. 7 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
