But why did he choose me? Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest one.
Okay, apart from Paul. Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest. And I live more like new sound of the sorceress than neither of you two. So why did he choose me?
Oh, I don’t know, Han. It’s just one of life’s great mysteries like… Where do corn circles come from?
Yeah. Why there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.
TinaWhere’s Bradley? He knows I wanna rehearse routine for the new song. Where is he?
A cow. But you caught a sheep with no legs. A crowd. How could you forget that?
You don’t even know what a man with monkey under one arm, a crocodile onto the other was doing.
I think maybe he’s wearing them as an air freshener.
I wouldn’t say that restaurant was tough, but I think they used a pig as an air freshener.
Are we late for rehearsal?
Tina
No. It’s Christ’s meeting. We’re thinking about chucking someone out the band.
Look, if this is about that time that I posted nude photos of Jon on the internet, while they’re…
It’s Bradley! Tina says if he won’t come to rehearsals, he can’t be in the band anymore.
It’s just stupid. (to Bradley) Hey, Brad. You alright, mate?
As far as we know, he hasn’t slept for 2 days and what’s even worse and…
Tina
He hasn’t gone to the toilet, either.
People, I think we’re sitting on a time bomb.
Bradley, serious! I’m making an intervention. I’m not moving from a spot until you stop playing this game.
I just let me get past this level, all right? Trust me, I can do it.
No, you can’t, you hoof. It’s almost impossible to complete without the secret cheap put in the game by the garbagey of TD. It says here.
Well, then let’s find this bloke and ask him the secret. That way we can get our Brad back.
Tina
Good idea. But all we know about the game is that it’s by strati soft. You have no idea where they are or if they’re even in California.
You would do. Spring Street Downtown.
Yeah. They’re so nice format that’s like the audition.
Tina
Okay, let’s go then.
So, you put a nude picture of me on the internet.
Tina
Hi, Joni.
Tina, you know. If you ever think about having a relationship with a man, then think again and think again, and just don’t do it.
Tina
Okay, right. Uh, I’ll remember that.
And if you do do it, then just check yourself into an ASAN asylum.
Tina
Top idea.
Cos I can help you with that, Tina. I can.
Tina
Good to know.
Tina
Listen, nobody go near Joni. Looks like she’s having trouble with her boyfriend and she’s about to take it out on someone.
Hmm. Well, I hope she gives us some warnings so we can all take cover.
AAll
Somebody at the door!
I don’t know if we rush, guys. I’ll get it.
Oh! Hello, Joni. I didn’t recognize you from above.
Ah! I had a nightmare that Joni was going across the floor, then when I woke up, Joni was going across the floor.
Tina
Don’t take any notice. It’s probably some kind of new age ritual.
Ohh! I knew it! I knew it!
Uh-oh! Sounds serious. Better get ready to run! (They all rush around)
Um, where are my trainers?!
I can’t go out looking like this!
Tina
What?
Down there! Look! Ants! Hundreds of ants!
Oh, yeah. Well, I’d see that, eh?
I can see them. They stand out like a mile.
I wouldn’t say a mile. Maybe a few millilitres and they’re the tallest ones.
There is an infestation here. This place is a mess! Look at it! I mean don’t you ever clean it up? It’s disgusting! (to the rest of the band mates) Listen up, everybody! The terms of your lease say that this place must be kept clean or I can throw you out at any time.
You’re right. She’s right. You’re absolutely right. This place is a tip, isn’t it? (clicking fingers) Paul.
Yeah, yeah. Um, it’s a disgrace! There is parp everywhere. Yeah. Someone should clean it up. I’ve got to go and see a man about the goose.
Whoa, hold on. Where are you going?
Um, um, to get some ant killer.
Stunner. Ant stunner. We’ll buy some ant stunner and then we’ll stun the ants, take them outside and then um…
Yeah. To roam the beach and destruct their stuff.
But we’ll have to spin and run first so they get dizzy and they can’t find their way back!
Tina
Me too.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no you don’t! No!
You know, I could get twice as much money for this apartment and have much less hassle.
Tina
Yeah, we realize that.
I mean I’m the one that’s doing you the favor here. You guys came here with nothing! I put a roof over your head and this is how you repay me.
Don’t worry, Joni. We’ll help you tidy up.
(beginning to cry) You know, it’s just always the same thing. The nicer you are to people, the more they take you for granted, the more that they exploit your kindness.
I mean I just do the best that you can. I mean that’s all you can do, and then somebody just ups and leaves you for another one.
Tina
Joni, shut up! (sitting down next to her) This isn’t about the state of the apartment, is it?
Tina
It’s your boyfriend, isn’t it? He’s dumped you. You’re upset. So come in here and take out on us and the ants.
Yes, but we want to help you.
Tina
Because we like you.
(whispering to Tina) No, we don’t.
Tina
Yes, we do.
Yes, we do and we want to help you get over your friend.
Tina
So, forget about the state of the apartment.
Yeah, I mean what’s a little dust and mess and ants and dirty socks and grimy plates and general filth and…
Tina
Yeah. All right, Rach.
When compared to love and human relationships.
Tina
Exactly.
(breaths calmly) You know, you’re right. I feel better already.
So that’s how it always works. I break up with somebody and then I regret it, so I phone them and then it all gets bad again.
Tina
Okay. Here’s the suggestion. If you find yourself wanting to find this guy up, then talk to us instead and we’ll help you not to find him.
Really? That’s very nice of you. Hey, guys.
No, it’s fine. Everything’s cool.
Yeah, it is. What are you guys up to?
Well, we’re kind of sick and tired of sitting around waiting to be discovered, so we decided to make a film.
Oh, that’s a great idea! That’s brilliant.
Tina
That’s great!
That’s great, that’s great. (trying to ring a number to someone)
Tina
Joni?
Tina
What are you doing?
Oh. Nothing. So… Let’s make movies!
So, has anyone got any questions or anything then?
Do I have to wear that on my head?
No, I’m not wearing his hat, bro.
Brad, you have to be a policeman.
Tina
Jon, Jon, Jon. So what are you gonna be then?
Well, I’m directing it, but then I’ve got to be the, uh, the third cop as well.
Any other questions, guys?
So, where should we go tonight then?
Well, wherever it is a bit pitchy because I’m skint.
You’re always skint. When you get money, you don’t have to spend it immediately, you know, Han. It’s not compulsory. You better stay in tonight.
Yeah, but you’re still coming, aren’t you?
Tina
Why’s that?
What a day. Tell ya. Being a cinema aser is a lot harder than it looks, alright? You got the back seat, anti-snug patrol. You got the Slurpee volume enforcement and you got the ground to air popcorn prevention. Anyway, I thought you lot were going out.
No. We’ve been waiting for you, mate.
Yeah. We’re not gonna go out without you, are we?
Erm, yeah. You have been paid, right?
Well, actually, yeah. I made 50 bucks today.
Cinema? Has she made 50 bucks a day?
No, I don’t get paid to the end of the week, but that’s just some of the change I found down the back of the seats.
Tina
Great. So where are we going?
Well, I’m quite parped. So I think I’ll have a night in.
Well, there’s a slight problem, see? We haven’t got any money, so we were thinking that maybe you could…
You still owe me 20 bucks from Florida, you little monkey.
No, I don’t. I mean that to Paul.
Don’t look at me. I gave that to Tina.
Tina
Hey, nothing to do with me. Rachel wanted it and she didn’t like to ask.
I only need cos I let my last 20 to Jon.
Yeah, and I would never have asked if I hadn’t already given all my money to Bradley.
So you mean I owe myself 20 bucks. Ha ha.
Look, we don’t have to go out to have fun.
No. Hannah’s right. Why don’t we all spend the evening in?
Tina
And do what?
We’ll do what they did in the olden days. You know, before nightclubs are invented, I suppose.
What? You mean like skinning dinosaurs?
Come on, guys. We’re gonna have a great time. We can enjoy each other’s company, talk about current affairs, politics, literature.
Yeah. Who needs music and all those fancy electronics to enjoy themselves? Come on. Let’s go for it. Alright.
So, what should we talk about then? Mmm?
Tina
The lights have come out.
Oh. A dozen squid was just about to start.
Oh, no. My hair’s gonna look like straw.
Your hair always looks like straw.
Look. Just got to sit down and try and work this one out.
Jo! Stop trying to sit on my lap!
Sorry, Hannah. I can’t see anything.
Obviously, you didn’t realize there’s a little bowl of guacamole in my lap.
What is going on down here?
Tina
Oh my gosh! If Joni finds out about this, we’re out.
I have a strange feeling. She will find out.
I can’t even see to sit down.
Yes we can. (turning the flashlight on) Heh. Allow me to show you to your seats. (to Rachel) Madam, please no talking. (to Hannah) Chew quietly. (to Paul and Tina) Sir, madam.
Show consideration for the other patrons…and enjoy the show.
Where are we gonna get $200 from?
Well, we’re definitely ain’t gonna find it down the back of the cinema seat, that’s for sure.
Tina
All I have to find a job, however stupid, however pathetic. We’ll each have to get a job and work really hard and raise the money.
Hey, Rach, have you still got the paper?
There you are, Rach. Here’s one for you. Professional dog-sitter.
No way! I’m a cat person. You wouldn’t get me working there in a million years.
Guys, we could easily raise this money if we can all just keep our jobs for one more week.
I can’t believe I got fired.
Fired? But you only got the job 3 days ago.
Mmm. I know. But it doesn’t matter, because I got a new job. Yeah. You know you are now looking at… (He shows them a green suit) Bradley McIntosh valet.
Tina
You mean polishing silvers and ironing newspapers and stuff?
No. Not that kind of valet. I’m the kind of valet who parks cars and I’m working at the new cafe goffi down at Santa Monica Boulevard.
So, why did the cinema fire you?
Over conduct oncoming an aser. Can you believe they stripped me on my blazer and my torch in front of all the other rushes and everything?
Tina
I told you to stop snogging Donna the projectionist, you muffin.
Yeah, but it wasn’t the snogging. They objected to me. It was the fact, it made Donna put the rose on in the wrong order. But mind you, it’s the first time Titanic’s about the happy ending. (giggles)
Come on! Hurry up, otherwise we’ll be late for Joni’s exhibits.
Yeah, and we’re due at the cloaked Avenger’s wedding at 3pm. Can’t wait see what the cloaked wedding dress looks like.
Tina
I can’t believe Joni’s got the nerve to try and sell her paintings. Already, I mean she’s only been going to that art class for 2 weeks.
Yeah, I can’t believe we’re not DJs anymore. I don’t understand it. Every day at 2 o’clock Jerry would go off and be gone for at least an hour. Why did he have to come back at five past?
Yeah. Well, we’ll never know, will we? Best not to think about it.
Well, the main thing is that we raised the $200 and Wally repaired the building and Joni’s none the wiser.
Hmm. It has the certain naive charm. A primitive appeal that evokes cubism surrealism, and yet, remains defiantly…
Tina
A picture of Brad holding a dog over his.
This is so embarrassing, I mean, who’s gonna buy this, huh?
Well, according to the ticket, it’s already been sold.
Man’s Best Friend. You know, this was the first one to sell. I was gonna spend the money today on rewiring our building because, well, it was a bit of a death trap, but then when I came and looked this morning, I found that somebody had already rewired it. So I think I’m gonna spend all the money on myself. Oh. Gotta go.
Tina
Who the heck will pay $1,000 for a picture like that?
Come on, Tina. Look. Look. It’s obvious.
Tina
Hey! My mum’s just bought my dad a new extension lead for a strimmer. Now he can really get stuck into that scruffy bit of more grass behind the shed. Isn’t that
WOWoman on TV
I don’t know who to dress.
I think we’re getting into a rut here. I mean we’ve been in L.A. for months now and nothing seems to be happening for us.
Yeah. I think we need a change.
Joni Alert! Joni Alert! Joni Alert!
I thought she was in an assertiveness workshop!
I’m sorry, but that woman needs assertiveness like the desert needs sand.
Tina
Look at this place! It’s a tip!
Tina
Gosh, she’s gonna kill us!
Yeah, do you remember the last time she saw this place in a mess?
This place is a mess! Look at it! I mean don’t you ever clean it up? It’s disgusting! (to the rest of the band mates) Listen up, everybody! The terms of your lease say that this place must be kept clean or I can throw you out at any time.
I’ve got to go and see a man about the goose.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no you don’t! No!
Erm. How was the assertiveness course?
Hmm? What course? All that. No. I didn’t go, didn’t go, I couldn’t. Not since I tried meditating while driving and, oops, ran my car into the ditch.
Car was the total right off. So, place is looking good, by the way.
Are you alright? You’re not injured. Anything not.
Especially like in the brain.
Oh, no. I’m okay. As a matter of fact, I’ve never been more okay and all my life. Especially since I met the tow truck guy. Yep, loves me a truck.
Okay, Joni. What’s his name? What does he do and where does he come from?
His name is Jim who lives in Arizona and he doesn’t just drive a tow truck. He raises snakes for the movies.
And that’s not all. We’re getting married!
Yeah. Isn’t that great? Jim Bob and I were so in love. We’re just gonna sell up and start at this snake ranch in Tucson.
Sell up? You can’t do that. What’s gonna happen to us?
Tina
Don’t be selfish, Bradley. Congratulations. It’s amazing here.
Tina
What is gonna happen to us now?
Tina
I think we should give it one more try.
Yeah, okay. We should just go straight up to our so-called agent and say “Amish. Either things starts to happen.” or “We’re outta there.”
And then they’ll be begging us to stay.
TRTina, Rachel, Bradley and Hannah
Yeah.
Okay, so I’ll call him and see if he’ll meet us at the cafe.
No. Don’t go. I’m begging you. What do you want? Just-Just tell me. I’ll do anything if you’ll stay. Please. (finishing his conversation on his phone) Roffers. He’ll wait 6 months for him to show up and then the first great offer that comes along. They-They drop you faster than a pooper-scooper with a hole in it. Say you don’t happen to know anything about guttering, do you, Jo?
Anyway, enough about my problems. What about yours?
You do not want to hear about our problems, Mr. Walters.
Hey, sure. I do your problems or my problems, unless they have to do with a dry skin conditioner. In that case, you’re on your own.
Well, we did have one question for you.
Tina
And for once, we’d like to hear an honest answer.
Hey. Hit me with it. Honesty is my middle name.
Tina
So, are we ever gonna make it here in L.A.?
And if so, what are you gonna do about it right now to make sure it happens?
It’s difficult, it’s very difficult.
And your final answer is…
I don’t know. I think I’m gonna have to get a regular builder to do the guttering.
I hate… Look, I’m sending your tape to a big producer friend of mine. I’m sure he’s gonna love it.
Tina
Is he really any chance related to that other big producer you were talking about last time?
Hey, hey, hey. No, no. This guy is straight up, honest. He’s a head honcho at Polymer Records. He’s a big big friend of mine.
Tina
Bye, Walters.
It’s been nice not working with you.
L.A. 7 · 159 quotes
