Tina quotes from L.A. 7

Rachel

Oh, isn’t this nice one of us living together again?

Yeah.

Jo

Good dinner, Tina.

Tina

Pleasure.

Rachel

Yeah. It’s not much, but it’s home.

Paul

Especially now we’ve managed to pay for it for once.

Rachel

Paul, you can stop being sensible now.

Paul

Okay.

Why do you think this guy killed you?

Tina

Okay, I’m off to Muscle Beach.

Hannah

Okay.

Tina

It’s the first day of my job down there.

Hannah

Go.

She was pushed!

Tina

I’m teaching a class called dance yourself fit.

Hannah

Okay.

(weeping)

Tina

Then later, I plan to be abducted by aliens, and dissected.

Hannah

Gotcha.

Tina

You don’t care, do you? You don’t give a part that I’m the only one in this apartment with a proper job.

Let me get you something…

Hannah

I’m sorry, Tina. It’s just difficult to give a part about anything when Troy’s about to leave his wife and seven adorable baby daughters, and run off with his secretary, or possibly his mother.

Jon

(Off-screen) Paul, GET OUT NOW!

Paul

Honestly! Some people just don’t deserve to be in this business we call show. (sitting down next to Hannah) Eh?

Tina

5, 6, 7, 8, reach! We’ll change. Tap, tap, kick! Stamp, stamp, stamp, stamp, reach, reach! Dig, dig! And turn, and punch, punch, punch! Click, click, click! Together, over the head. Click, click, click, click, click. Come on and reach! Click, click, click! Together, over your head! (She stops and turns off the music) Okay, that’s it, everyone. And I can honestly say I’ve never seen a group of people with so much room for improvement.

Tina

Hey! Come on, you guys! Who wants to work out with me? (She starts jogging on the spot then stops) Wimps.

Ryan

You should be careful for checking you’re strong.

Tina

No kidding.

Ryan

Hi. My name’s Ryan.

Tina

Mmm. I’m Tina, but you have to take my word for it.

Ryan

Okay. That was quite a class. You ever kill anybody?

Tina

No. I dance to me.

Ryan

(chuckles) Well, I’m beat and hungry. Wanna grab a bite?

Jo

I couldn’t eat another thing.

Paul

Oh, one more, Jo, and this time, could you just chew a bit more quizzically?

Paul

Careful! This is a highly sophisticated piece of equipment. I call it my steady Eddie for recording on telly.

Bradley

And I call it a plank of wood, the camera set a tape to it.

Paul

So, Tina’s having lunch with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Hannah

With a guy she met down Muscle Beach. She said she was lovely and she’s gonna get the photos to prove it.

Bradley

See, I think that’s all unnatural all the exercise.

Jo

Bradley, you think pushing a carpet sweep is unnatural.

Bradley

Yeah, but it’s not gonna make you look any more attractive to look like you got dozens of ferrets crawling around and your skin. Does it, Han?

Hannah

No! No, no. Of course not. We don’t fancy Muslim men, do we, Jo?

Jo

Oh, no.

Hannah

Aye-aye, sexy!

Jo

Oh, my diddy!

Hannah

Strike a pose! How do you do?

Jo

Whoo!

Paul

And now we hear the mating cry of the single desperate female on heat.

Tina

Hi.

Hi there.

Jo

So, how was it?

Hannah

Did you get the photos developed?

Tina

No. He’s lovely. I think he’s the best looking bloke I’ve ever been on the date with.

Bradley

It’s not exactly stiff competition, Tina. Your last one looked like the model for gargoyles.

Tina

Shut it. He’s blonde. He’s got blue eyes and the best teeth since Tom Cruise had his teeth fixed, and he kissed me.

Ooh!

Tina

Just a back on my lip but it was a passionate back, and he wants to see me again tonight.

Ooh!

Tina

Jo, can I have a sip of your water?

Bradley

Ooh…! (Tina notices Bradley making the sound of it) Sorry, I wasn’t concentrating.

Extra-large, extra thick crust with everything on it.

Paul

With extra everything?

Uh-huh.

Paul

Thanks.

Enjoy your meal.

Paul

Cheers. Oh, and, (giving her a dollars) There you go. Ah.

Jon

So, I just told him that I wasn’t gonna be intimidated by him. You know, cos he’d forgive in 2 thugs and bullies then we’re society, and I warned him. I told him if he kept on pushing me, then there’d be consequences. So I just stood up to him and he walked away.

Rachel

But not before he challenged Jon to a big arm wrestling contest tomorrow which Jon accepted.

Jo

That is so brave, or is it just stupid?

Paul

(holding the camera) Jon, man on the brink.

Jon

Yeah, of extinction.

Paul

No, but you didn’t really sell that stuff, did ya?

Jon

No, and tomorrow I’m a dead man.

Bradley

No you’re not. You just need a little bit of training, you know.

Jon

Bradley, it takes months to train somebody.

Bradley

It takes months to train a whole body. We just need to train your arm. You know, put it on some weights, put on special diet. Does the rest of me have to be present because…

Jon

That sounds really boring.

Paul

No, no, no, no, no. Th-This is it. I have finally found the subject of my movie. The story of one man facing insurmountable odds, facing injustice or I feel an Emmy coming on.

Jo

Well, get in the bathroom then, you hedge-pig.

Paul

It will be a moving and gripping documentary and a fitting posthumous tribute to Jon.

Rachel

Oh, don’t say that. I think he’s really got a good shot.

Jon

Rachel, you’ve got more chance of arm wrestling that guy into submission than I have.

Rachel

What are you trying to say?

Jon

Look, I’ve said I’m gonna be that so I will. I’ve got to show up on Muscle Beach at 5 o’clock tomorrow and ask for… What's his name?

Jon

Ryan.

Ryan?

Bradley

Use your arm part. Use your arms. Get your back straight.

Rachel

Jon’s getting really strong, you know. Last night, I saw him open the ketchup bottle all by himself.

Jo

Actually, I started that for him.

Oh.

Rachel

Well, I really think he stands a chance, I mean I know Ryan’s big in everything but he’s stupid. No offense, Tina.

Tina

He’s not stupid. He’s lovely. If only hadn’t had that dumb argument with Jon and Jon hadn’t accepted the stupid challenge. Just doesn’t seem like him.

Rachel

Hmm. He is a bit out of character. You’re right.

Hannah

It’s their hormones. Guys are programmed to behave like that. I’ve read it in just 17. They get all insecure when they think another guy’s invading their own territory. They’re like big monkeys.

Tina

Monkeys?

Hannah

Yeah. All snug in their tree until another monkey comes along then they get nervous for their bananas.

Jo

Their bananas.

Hannah

Yeah. I mean that other big ol’ monkey probably already has bananas of his own, but that doesn’t stop them feeling threatened.

Tina

So I’m dating a big monkey.

Hannah

Erm. Yeah. But a nice monkey. Your one’s the king of the swingers.

Tina

A jungle VIP.

Hannah

Mhm.

Rachel

Hey guys, can we remember who we’re rooting for in this contest?

Bradley

That’s it, man. That’s… You’re out of breath.

Rachel

What odds are they offering on Ryan?

Ryan

Really? You can teach me to tap dance. Cool.

Tina

Anytime.

Ryan

Aw, Tina, you are so great. Are all English girls like you?

Tina

No. I’m the only good one.

Ryan

(chuckles)

Tina

Ryan, I’ve got a favor to ask you.

Ryan

Maybe it’s done.

Tina

Well, it turns out you had a slight disagreement on the beach earlier…with someone who happens to be a good friend of mine. And, well… There’s no way he’s gonna beat you in an arm wrestling contest without a gun. And since he doesn’t have one, can you call off the contest?

Ryan

Oh, Tina, I wish you would’ve asked me this earlier. I-I can’t do it.

Tina

But you’ve got to! Jon’s allergic to pain.

Ryan

I-I told everyone about it all the guys at the gym are gonna be there. If I back out now, they’ll think I’m chicken. I’m sorry, Tina. I can’t call off the contest.

Tina

Well, in that case, I can’t go out with you anymore. (She leaves)

Ryan

Tina, hi.

Tina

Ryan. Ryan! Are you okay?

Ryan

Doctors say I only have 24 hours to live. I wanted to spend them with you.

Tina

Oh my gosh! You’re joking on it.

Ryan

Yeah, I am.

Tina

I’m sorry about the camera and Jon’s lap of honor. Why are you in so much pain?

Ryan

Hey, I’m glad that happened this way. Because now we can go out together if you still want to. Do you?

Tina

Guess. But right now, I’ve got a class to teach. (to everyone) Okay. Places, everybody.

When the world leaves you feeling blue

We’ve got to all stick together

Reach for the stars

Don’t believe in all that you’ve been told

I said reach

Reach for the stars

Reach for the stars

Reach for the stars

Jo

(to them) Look at the state of this place! Someone’s gonna have to tidy it up.

Hannah

Yeah, Paul.

Paul

Yeah, Bradley.

Bradley

Yeah, Joanne.

Jo

I’m not doing it. I always do it.

Paul

Well, do you fancy a game of chess, Hannah?

Hannah

Yeah, okay.

Jo

Yeah, we’re not until you’ve done those dishes.

Hannah

It’s Paul’s turn!

Paul

No, it’s not. It’s YOUR turn!

Hannah

It was my turn last week.

Paul

Well, look. Let’s have this game of chess and whoever loses has to do all the dishes.

Hannah

Okay. Deal. (He gives her a handshake) Ow!

Rachel

I didn’t get a job.

Tina

Nor did I.

Bradley

What’s up with him?

Jo

Must be his pose playing up again.

Jon

Guys, guess what? I think I just got a job.

Jo

What does the exotic dancer?

Jon

No. As a model.

Bradley

Can you say that again, cos I could have just swore you said model.

Jon

I did.

Bradley

You?

Jon

Yes.

Bradley

You.

Jon

Yes.

Bradley

You.

Jon

Yes, Bradley! Some of us can do more than just sing and dance. Some of us have hidden talents.

Bradley

Must have very hidden.

Jo

Oh, don’t be nasty.

Paul

So who are you modelling for?

Jon

Well, I haven’t definitely got the job yet, but I met this woman from a catalogue for a big department store and she said she wants to see me this afternoon.

Rachel

Oh, well done!

Jon

Thank you.

Tina

Well done.

Bradley

Well, I think I better go and get ready for my job interview then.

Jo

Yeah, me too.

Hannah

What job are you going for?

Bradley

Buddy’s Burger Bar.

Jo

I’m going for that one.

Bradley

I saw it first.

Jo

No, you didn’t! You know I did.

Bradley

Listen, Jo. I really need this job! I am broke!

Jo

Oh, what?! I ain’t!

Jon

Guys, calm down! I’m sure there’s more than one job there. You’ll be fine.

Jo

You had better have to be.

Bradley

Wow.

Jon

Well, what do you think?

Rachel

Mmm.

Jon

I’m trying to look as if I haven’t tried.

Rachel

You might have to try a bit harder.

Tina

Do a pose.

Rachel

Try and look a bit more relaxed.

Tina

Relaxed but… cheeky.

Hannah

Now go for happy yet quizzical.

Paul

Now, quizzical yet somehow yearning.

Rachel

Playful yet… deep.

Tina

Sad but… cheerful.

Paul

Now try to look like a complete muffin.

THAT’S IT!

Hannah

Excellent!

Rachel

You’re definitely getting better.

Tina

But, you know, every different style of clothing has a different style of pose.

Jon

Really?

Tina

Just take this and come back when you practice.

Joni

Oh, there we are. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

Hannah

Hi, Joni.

Paul

Hi, Joni.

Rachel

Hi, Joni.

Tina

Hi, Joni.

Joni

Wait till I tell all my friends, I know the S Club 7. A bunch of kids who lay around and don’t tidy up after themselves. Very impressive.

Hannah

We are gonna tidy up.

Paul

We just need to decide whose turn it is.

Joni

Well, then what you guys need is a cleaning schedule.

Rachel

I said that.

Paul

But we couldn’t decide whose turn it was to write the cleaning shed-yule.

Joni

Shall I tell you what one of the most important rules of show business is?

Tina

What’s that?

Joni

Knowing when to give up?

Tina

What do you mean?

Joni

Well, as far as I know you came to L.A. to find fame and fortune and unless it’s hiding under the dirty dishes in the kitchen. You haven’t found it.

Hannah

Yeah, if it’s early days yet.

Joni

Is it?

Paul

I think we’re making good progress.

Joni

Are you?

Rachel

Yeah?

Tina

We are.

Hannah

Aren’t we?

Joni

Well, I don’t know, but what I do know is that if you guys wanna keep this apartment, you had better keep it tidy…and pay your rent on time. (She hits the table) Because otherwise it’s gonna be a case of repossession, and I don’t wanna go through that again.

Jon

Okay, guys, I’ve been practicing all day and now I want to see what you think.

Paul

Okay.

Rachel

Okay.

Tina

Okay.

Jon

Is everybody ready?

Rachel

No. Wait.

Tina

No, no, no. Hold on.

Paul

Just in time.

Hannah

Oh! How did it go?

Jo

Horrible.

Bradley

Yeah? Well, you weren’t the one walking around like a giant wiener.

Jo

Ain’t that what you do every day of your life, anyway.

Tina

Shh. You two, Jon’s waiting to show us his new skills.

Jon

Okay. Is everybody ready?

Tina

Yeah.

Paul

Yeah.

Bradley

Hmm.

Hannah

Yes.

Paul

But who’d have thought it though? You. A model. I mean. Well, not that you’re not… I think you’re very… Well, obviously, I can’t tell you now. I’m a bloke. But if…if I wasn’t, I’d be a woman. But what I’m trying to say is that I…

Jo

Look. Let’s just get on with it, shall we?

Paul

Alright. Cheers, Jo.

Rachel

Right, okay. Jon is gonna strike a pose and you have to guess what clothes is modelling, alright?

Okay.

Jon

Okay, first one. Watch this.

Bradley

Casual wear.

Jon

Yes.

Woo!

Rachel

Well done, Brad.

Jo

He’s good.

Jon

Okay, this one.

Hannah

Shoes.

Jon

Yes. Well done. Okay, and this one.

Jo

Sportswear.

Jon

Yes. Well done, Jo. It’s wicked. This one, okay?

Rachel

Oh, oh. That’s easy. Arm suits.

Jon

Well done, Rach. Okay, come here. Let me do this one. (he brings Rachel) Okay, and that was this one.

Tina

Pyjamas!

Jon

Yes! Nicely one.

Jon

Okay, last one.

Paul

Underpants.

Rachel

What? Are you two still here?

Paul

Yeah.

Rachel

Have you two eaten or slept or moved or… (sniffing) washed?

Hannah

No.

Tina

Oh, no! Look at the pile of dishes now!

Paul

As the plates get higher. The steaks get higher.

Tina

Isn’t that exactly where the pieces were last night?

Hannah

Probably. (She moves the piece of chess) Can’t rush into anything. (She moves another piece of chess) Strategic playing.

Rachel

Or not playing playing.

Tina

Wasn’t that Jo and Brad I heard leaving at the cracker dawn this morning?

Paul

Don’t know.

Hannah

I wasn’t looking.

Rachel

Must have been. I wonder how they’re getting on.

5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…

Tina

No, it’s still not right. (to Jon) Jon. Oh, yeah, I’m not speaking to you, am I? (to Jo) Jo, can you tell Paul to tell Hannah.

Paul

I am not talking to Hannah.

Tina

Of course. That’s right. (She walks over to Hannah) Hannah, can you tell Jo to tell Rachel to tell Paul to tell Jon that…

Jon

What?

Paul

What?

Rachel

What?

Bradley

What?

Jo

What?

Hannah

What?!

Tina

I forgot I was gonna say now.

Hannah

Can someone tell me who are not talking to you? I can’t remember anymore.

Paul

It’s me.

Rachel

And me.

Hannah

Oh. Thanks. Tell her thanks.

Bradley

(to Rachel) Hannah says thanks.

Rachel

Tell her it’s a pleasure.

Hannah

What did she say?

Bradley

She said it’s a pleasure.

Hannah

Oh.

Bradley

Do you know what, guys? I think it’s pathetic.

Rachel

I know. We’ve never argued like this before.

Tina

It’s gonna ruin our performance.

Jo

What is wrong with us?

Paul

I don’t know. We just don’t seem to agree anymore.

Joni

Hi, guys!

Hi, Joni!

Joni

Listen, I know I’ve been a little cynical about this fame and fortune thing, but… I take it all back.

Bradley

Oh, really?

Paul

How come?

Joni

Well, one of you is definitely, definitely famous. Although, not so fortunate.

Jo

What are you talking about?

Joni

Just a little picture in a magazine.

Jon

Oh, no, no. Wait!

Jon

(He takes a magazine from Joni) It’s not funny!

Paul

Oh, yes it is!

Hannah

(Off-screen) Hey, guys!

Jon

I suppose it is quite funny.

Jo

Yeah.

Hannah

Oh, guys, we’ve just agreed on something.

Oh, yeah!

Joni

So, can I have your photograph?

Jon

Of course you can. (He signs in)

Joni

Thank you very much.

Rachel

Yeah.

Jo

Yeah.

(Off-screen) Ladies and gentlemen, coming up next the number of our resident band the S Club 7.

Bradley

All right. Looks like we’re up next, guys.

Tina

Yeah. So listen, are we stopping all this not talking? Not nonsense.

Paul

But I don’t know. You better ask Bradley to ask Hannah to ask Jo… Yeah, I guess we are.

Tina

Friends?

Friends.