JoI couldn’t eat another thing.
Oh, one more, Jo, and this time, could you just chew a bit more quizzically?
Careful! This is a highly sophisticated piece of equipment. I call it my steady Eddie for recording on telly.
And I call it a plank of wood, the camera set a tape to it.
So, Tina’s having lunch with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
With a guy she met down Muscle Beach. She said she was lovely and she’s gonna get the photos to prove it.
See, I think that’s all unnatural all the exercise.
Jo
Bradley, you think pushing a carpet sweep is unnatural.
Yeah, but it’s not gonna make you look any more attractive to look like you got dozens of ferrets crawling around and your skin. Does it, Han?
No! No, no. Of course not. We don’t fancy Muslim men, do we, Jo?
Jo
Oh, no.
Jo
Oh, my diddy!
Strike a pose! How do you do?
Jo
Whoo!
And now we hear the mating cry of the single desperate female on heat.
Jo
So, how was it?
Did you get the photos developed?
No. He’s lovely. I think he’s the best looking bloke I’ve ever been on the date with.
It’s not exactly stiff competition, Tina. Your last one looked like the model for gargoyles.
Shut it. He’s blonde. He’s got blue eyes and the best teeth since Tom Cruise had his teeth fixed, and he kissed me.
Just a back on my lip but it was a passionate back, and he wants to see me again tonight.
Jo, can I have a sip of your water?
Ooh…! (Tina notices Bradley making the sound of it) Sorry, I wasn’t concentrating.
PDPizza Delivery Lady
Extra-large, extra thick crust with everything on it.
PDPizza Delivery Lady
Uh-huh.
PDPizza Delivery Lady
Enjoy your meal.
Cheers. Oh, and, (giving her a dollars) There you go. Ah.
So, I just told him that I wasn’t gonna be intimidated by him. You know, cos he’d forgive in 2 thugs and bullies then we’re society, and I warned him. I told him if he kept on pushing me, then there’d be consequences. So I just stood up to him and he walked away.
But not before he challenged Jon to a big arm wrestling contest tomorrow which Jon accepted.
Jo
That is so brave, or is it just stupid?
(holding the camera) Jon, man on the brink.
No, but you didn’t really sell that stuff, did ya?
No, and tomorrow I’m a dead man.
No you’re not. You just need a little bit of training, you know.
Bradley, it takes months to train somebody.
It takes months to train a whole body. We just need to train your arm. You know, put it on some weights, put on special diet. Does the rest of me have to be present because…
That sounds really boring.
No, no, no, no, no. Th-This is it. I have finally found the subject of my movie. The story of one man facing insurmountable odds, facing injustice or I feel an Emmy coming on.
Jo
Well, get in the bathroom then, you hedge-pig.
It will be a moving and gripping documentary and a fitting posthumous tribute to Jon.
Oh, don’t say that. I think he’s really got a good shot.
Rachel, you’ve got more chance of arm wrestling that guy into submission than I have.
What are you trying to say?
Look, I’ve said I’m gonna be that so I will. I’ve got to show up on Muscle Beach at 5 o’clock tomorrow and ask for… What's his name?
JTJo, Tina and Hannah
Ryan?
Use your arm part. Use your arms. Get your back straight.
Jon’s getting really strong, you know. Last night, I saw him open the ketchup bottle all by himself.
Jo
Actually, I started that for him.
Well, I really think he stands a chance, I mean I know Ryan’s big in everything but he’s stupid. No offense, Tina.
He’s not stupid. He’s lovely. If only hadn’t had that dumb argument with Jon and Jon hadn’t accepted the stupid challenge. Just doesn’t seem like him.
Hmm. He is a bit out of character. You’re right.
It’s their hormones. Guys are programmed to behave like that. I’ve read it in just 17. They get all insecure when they think another guy’s invading their own territory. They’re like big monkeys.
Yeah. All snug in their tree until another monkey comes along then they get nervous for their bananas.
Jo
Their bananas.
Yeah. I mean that other big ol’ monkey probably already has bananas of his own, but that doesn’t stop them feeling threatened.
So I’m dating a big monkey.
Erm. Yeah. But a nice monkey. Your one’s the king of the swingers.
Hey guys, can we remember who we’re rooting for in this contest?
That’s it, man. That’s… You’re out of breath.
What odds are they offering on Ryan?
ZZak
After our match, be sure and join us on the beach for our winners’ protein drink party and you’re all invited. Now, without further ado, please welcome our sixth time Southern California armed wrestling champion, Ryan Sinclair!
(calling out loud to him)
Hi, Mr. Sinclair. I’m your director for today. I’m just gonna go around, take a few shots of making a short documentary about one man’s fight for truth and justice.
Cool. Can you get me from my right side? It’s…my better angle.
Okay. (He goes onto Ryan’s right side) Yeah! Getting a real Tom Cruise vibe from this side.
Yeah, a lot of people have said that.
ZZak
And now, let’s, uh, welcome our contender the limey with the funny haircut, Jon. Somebody or other.
Jo
Go, Jon, GO!
Jon, this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you.
I seriously doubt that. (He puts his hand on Ryan’s hand)
ZZak
Let the battle commence!
Hey, is he getting a close-up?
Well, if he gets one, I want one too. Get that camera back over with.
Hey, is it a big close-up?
Get it closer. Come on! Get my face on that screen. Closer!
Closer… (Paul hits his eye) Ow!
I can’t see through the viewfinder like this. It’s really small.
Yay! Yes! I won! Yes! Come one! (Girls come to Jon) Who wants a piece of me?!
You’ve had your chance. Yes!
Jo
(to them) Look at the state of this place! Someone’s gonna have to tidy it up.
Jo
I’m not doing it. I always do it.
Well, do you fancy a game of chess, Hannah?
Jo
Yeah, we’re not until you’ve done those dishes.
No, it’s not. It’s YOUR turn!
It was my turn last week.
Well, look. Let’s have this game of chess and whoever loses has to do all the dishes.
Okay. Deal. (He gives her a handshake) Ow!
Jo
Must be his pose playing up again.
Guys, guess what? I think I just got a job.
Jo
What does the exotic dancer?
Can you say that again, cos I could have just swore you said model.
Yes, Bradley! Some of us can do more than just sing and dance. Some of us have hidden talents.
Jo
Oh, don’t be nasty.
So who are you modelling for?
Well, I haven’t definitely got the job yet, but I met this woman from a catalogue for a big department store and she said she wants to see me this afternoon.
Well, I think I better go and get ready for my job interview then.
Jo
Yeah, me too.
What job are you going for?
Jo
I’m going for that one.
Jo
No, you didn’t! You know I did.
Listen, Jo. I really need this job! I am broke!
Jo
Oh, what?! I ain’t!
Guys, calm down! I’m sure there’s more than one job there. You’ll be fine.
Jo
You had better have to be.
So tell me. What do you have to offer to Buddy’s Burger Bar as a Buddy’s Burger Bar burger bar employee?
Jo
Well, I’m polite, efficient, punctual, tidy.
Well, I like burgers. Yeah. A lot.
Jo
I’m smart, hygienic, quick leaner, good team worker.
Um, and milkshakes. Milkshakes. Yeah, milkshakes.
Jo
You see, I like working with people. You know, I’ve done catering before and I’ve got excellent references.
Well, did I mention I like hamburgers?
Okay, guys, I’ve been practicing all day and now I want to see what you think.
Jo
Horrible.
Yeah? Well, you weren’t the one walking around like a giant wiener.
Jo
Ain’t that what you do every day of your life, anyway.
Shh. You two, Jon’s waiting to show us his new skills.
Okay. Is everybody ready?
But who’d have thought it though? You. A model. I mean. Well, not that you’re not… I think you’re very… Well, obviously, I can’t tell you now. I’m a bloke. But if…if I wasn’t, I’d be a woman. But what I’m trying to say is that I…
Jo
Look. Let’s just get on with it, shall we?
Right, okay. Jon is gonna strike a pose and you have to guess what clothes is modelling, alright?
Okay, first one. Watch this.
Jo
He’s good.
Yes. Well done. Okay, and this one.
Jo
Sportswear.
Yes. Well done, Jo. It’s wicked. This one, okay?
Oh, oh. That’s easy. Arm suits.
Well done, Rach. Okay, come here. Let me do this one. (he brings Rachel) Okay, and that was this one.
AAll
5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…
No, it’s still not right. (to Jon) Jon. Oh, yeah, I’m not speaking to you, am I? (to Jo) Jo, can you tell Paul to tell Hannah.
I am not talking to Hannah.
Of course. That’s right. (She walks over to Hannah) Hannah, can you tell Jo to tell Rachel to tell Paul to tell Jon that…
Jo
What?
I forgot I was gonna say now.
Can someone tell me who are not talking to you? I can’t remember anymore.
Oh. Thanks. Tell her thanks.
(to Rachel) Hannah says thanks.
Tell her it’s a pleasure.
She said it’s a pleasure.
Do you know what, guys? I think it’s pathetic.
I know. We’ve never argued like this before.
It’s gonna ruin our performance.
Jo
What is wrong with us?
I don’t know. We just don’t seem to agree anymore.
Listen, I know I’ve been a little cynical about this fame and fortune thing, but… I take it all back.
Well, one of you is definitely, definitely famous. Although, not so fortunate.
Jo
What are you talking about?
Just a little picture in a magazine.
(He takes a magazine from Joni) It’s not funny!
I suppose it is quite funny.
Jo
Yeah.
Oh, guys, we’ve just agreed on something.
So, can I have your photograph?
Of course you can. (He signs in)
Jo
Yeah.
V1Verse 1: Hannah
Damn you
I think I can feel something special
Going on
Something that is happening between us
I feel more than you could ever imagine
It's so clear, I want you to know
CAChorus: All
I’m gonna stand by you
If you want me to
I’m gonna stand by you
If you want it tonight
I will stand by you
‘Cause I wanna be with you
I’ll stand by you
HAHook: All, Jo, Hannah
Stand by, stand by you
Stand by, stand by you (stand by you)
Stand by, stand by you
Stand by, stand by you
I only wanna be with you
I only wanna be with you
V2Verse 2: Tina and Hannah
Damn you
Don’t you know it's so good together
Us two
Nothing’s gonna come in between us
I know we go in two different directions sometimes
But you will always be on my mind
And if you think you ain’t got nobody
I just want you to know
CAChorus: All, Jo
I’m gonna stand by you
If you want me to (ooh yeah)
I’m gonna stand by you
If you want it tonight
I will stand by you
‘Cause I wanna be with you
I’ll stand by you
Stand by you (stand by)
HAHook: All, Jo, Hannah
Stand by, stand by you (stand by you)
Stand by, stand by you (stand by you)
Stand by, stand by you (stand by you)
Stand by, stand by you
CAChorus: All, Jo
I’m gonna stand by you
If you want me to (stand by)
I’m gonna stand by you
If you want it tonight
I will stand by you
‘Cause I wanna be with you
I’ll stand by you
Stand by you (stand by)
HAHook: All, Jo
Stand by, stand by you
Stand by, stand by you (stand by you)
Stand by, stand by you
Stand by, stand by you (oh yeah)
OAOutro: All
‘Cause I wanna be with you
I’ll stand by you
‘Cause I wanna be with you
I’ll stand by you
But why did he choose me? Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest one.
Okay, apart from Paul. Everybody knows I meant to be the cutest. And I live more like new sound of the sorceress than neither of you two. So why did he choose me?
Jo
Oh, I don’t know, Han. It’s just one of life’s great mysteries like… Where do corn circles come from?
Yeah. Why there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.
Jo
Yeah, and…
Where’s Bradley? He knows I wanna rehearse routine for the new song. Where is he?
Jo
Ah, I’m knackered. I sit now. I ain’t moving for the next 2 hours.
No, no. Why are your choice rehearsing?
We have been rehearsing, Joni.
Oh, no. I don’t mean like that little group thing. I mean for something important now. I have otherwise you guys to have a special skill like, uh, juggler.
Oh, no, honey. You’re in L.A. Every waiter and their mother sings. We’ve got to find you guys something that makes you stand out in the crowd.
Ah. I can touch the tip of my nose with my tongue.
Mmm. I wouldn’t go around boasting about that. Now let’s go out and find you guys a skill. Okay. Come on.
A cow. But you caught a sheep with no legs. A crowd. How could you forget that?
Jo
You don’t even know what a man with monkey under one arm, a crocodile onto the other was doing.
I think maybe he’s wearing them as an air freshener.
Jo
That’s a pig.
Jo
I wouldn’t say that restaurant was tough, but I think they used a pig as an air freshener.
Jo
Are we late for rehearsal?
No. It’s Christ’s meeting. We’re thinking about chucking someone out the band.
Jo
Look, if this is about that time that I posted nude photos of Jon on the internet, while they’re…
It’s Bradley! Tina says if he won’t come to rehearsals, he can’t be in the band anymore.
Jo
It’s just stupid. (to Bradley) Hey, Brad. You alright, mate?
As far as we know, he hasn’t slept for 2 days and what’s even worse and…
He hasn’t gone to the toilet, either.
People, I think we’re sitting on a time bomb.
Bradley, serious! I’m making an intervention. I’m not moving from a spot until you stop playing this game.
Jo
Brad.
I just let me get past this level, all right? Trust me, I can do it.
No, you can’t, you hoof. It’s almost impossible to complete without the secret cheap put in the game by the garbagey of TD. It says here.
Well, then let’s find this bloke and ask him the secret. That way we can get our Brad back.
Good idea. But all we know about the game is that it’s by strati soft. You have no idea where they are or if they’re even in California.
Jo
You would do. Spring Street Downtown.
Yeah. They’re so nice format that’s like the audition.
So, you put a nude picture of me on the internet.
Jo
So, how many goblins does it take to change a light bulb? None. They’re not tall enough. You think it’s easy being an evil sorceress? Well, let me tell you. It’s not easy. Other girls when they want a new outfit made, they go to the dressmakers. Me? I have to visit the blacksmith. (giggles) That’s all for me, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Zelda the sorceress and good night.
Okay, so lose the gag about the goblin thing and a really rude one about the Wizard of Oz, but apart from that, it was alright.
Jo
Should you think I’m nearly ready?
Almost. You still don’t know how to handle hecklers yet.
Jo
Hecklers?
Yeah. You know, people stand up and shout things out with you in your act.
Jo
Oh, right! You mean like when we rehearse in and we come to your solo and Bradley shouts to you “Huh, shut up!”
Yeah. Kind of. Okay, so, just imagine. You’re doing your act, okay? And I’m a heckler. I’m gonna stand up and shout things out like “Get off!” and “I’ve had funnier acne!” and “You’re rubbish!” and “You just smell funny!” I mean what are you gonna do?
Okay, so… there’s one option.
L.A. 7 · 159 quotes
