Jo quotes from L.A. 7

Hannah

You know what I was thinking, Johnny Jon?

Jon

Oh, I don’t know, Honey Han. Um, why, uh, butterflies called butterflies are not margarine flies?

Hannah

No. I wasn’t thinking that.

Jon

Well, I don’t know then.

Hannah

I was thinking the trouble with Los Angeles is that is so big. Nobody notices ya. I mean look at them ants. (pointing to the ants on the floor) They’re the equivalent of us in Los Angeles. They’re insignificant.

Jo

What ants?

Hannah

See what I mean?

Paul

Afternoon, Bradley.

Bradley

(groaning then clearing his throat)

Paul

The milk’s on the side.

Bradley

(muttering)

Rachel

How do you know what he’s saying?

Paul

Well, I’ve been studying Bradley speak. It’s a little like Japanese but without the words.

Rachel

I guess that means “I’ll see you later?”

Paul

No. He was just clearing his throat.

Rachel

Hmm. Tricky language.

Tina

Listen, nobody go near Joni. Looks like she’s having trouble with her boyfriend and she’s about to take it out on someone.

Jo

Hmm. Well, I hope she gives us some warnings so we can all take cover.

Somebody at the door!

Hannah

I don’t know if we rush, guys. I’ll get it.

Joni

Yes. I knew it!

Hannah

Oh! Hello, Joni. I didn’t recognize you from above.

Joni

Just as I thought.

Bradley

Ah! I had a nightmare that Joni was going across the floor, then when I woke up, Joni was going across the floor.

Jo

What is she doing?

Tina

Don’t take any notice. It’s probably some kind of new age ritual.

Joni

Ohh! I knew it! I knew it!

Paul

Uh-oh! Sounds serious. Better get ready to run! (They all rush around)

Paul

Um, where are my trainers?!

Rachel

I can’t go out looking like this!

Bradley

Whoa!

Joni

Look at that!

Tina

What?

Jo

Where?

Joni

Down there! Look! Ants! Hundreds of ants!

Jo

Oh, yeah. Well, I’d see that, eh?

Joni

I can see them. They stand out like a mile.

Jo

I wouldn’t say a mile. Maybe a few millilitres and they’re the tallest ones.

Joni

There is an infestation here. This place is a mess! Look at it! I mean don’t you ever clean it up? It’s disgusting! (to the rest of the band mates) Listen up, everybody! The terms of your lease say that this place must be kept clean or I can throw you out at any time.

Jon

You’re right. She’s right. You’re absolutely right. This place is a tip, isn’t it? (clicking fingers) Paul.

Paul

Yeah, yeah. Um, it’s a disgrace! There is parp everywhere. Yeah. Someone should clean it up. I’ve got to go and see a man about the goose.

Joni

Whoa, hold on. Where are you going?

Jo

Um, um, to get some ant killer.

Hannah

We can’t kill them.

Jo

Stunner. Ant stunner. We’ll buy some ant stunner and then we’ll stun the ants, take them outside and then um…

Hannah

Set them free.

Jo

Yeah. To roam the beach and destruct their stuff.

Hannah

But we’ll have to spin and run first so they get dizzy and they can’t find their way back!

Jo

That’s just stupid.

Hannah

But it works.

Bradley

More milk.

Tina

Me too.

Joni

Oh, no, no, no, no, no you don’t! No!

Bradley

Where’s Rachel and Tina?

Hannah

I think they got caught behind.

Jo

Look, this is stupid. We keep running out and our landlady every time wrenched you.

Paul

You’re right.

Jo

We’ve got to sort it out and get her act together.

Bradley

She’s right.

Jon

Look, guys. Our agent is rubbish. We might as well just concentrate on getting famous ourselves.

Paul

You’re right.

Hannah

He’s right!

Bradley

She’s right.

Jo

I’m right.

Bradley

I’m right sometimes.

Paul

ALL RIGHT! All right. I’ve had an idea. Let’s make a movie.

Bradley

Heh. Why not? (chuckles and eats the camera)

Joni

So that’s how it always works. I break up with somebody and then I regret it, so I phone them and then it all gets bad again.

Tina

Okay. Here’s the suggestion. If you find yourself wanting to find this guy up, then talk to us instead and we’ll help you not to find him.

Joni

Really? That’s very nice of you. Hey, guys.

Hi.

Jo

Joni, about the rent.

Rachel

No, it’s fine. Everything’s cool.

Jon

Is it?

Joni

Yeah, it is. What are you guys up to?

Jon

Well, we’re kind of sick and tired of sitting around waiting to be discovered, so we decided to make a film.

Rachel

Oh, that’s a great idea! That’s brilliant.

Tina

That’s great!

Joni

That’s great, that’s great. (trying to ring a number to someone)

Tina

Joni?

Joni

Hm?

Tina

What are you doing?

Joni

Oh. Nothing. So… Let’s make movies!

Paul

Yeah.

Bradley

That’s a good idea.

Jon

So, has anyone got any questions or anything then?

Rachel

Yeah.

Jo

Yeah.

Rachel

Do I have to wear that on my head?

Bradley

No, I’m not wearing his hat, bro.

Jon

Brad, you have to be a policeman.

Bradley

I did not.

Tina

Jon, Jon, Jon. So what are you gonna be then?

Jon

Well, I’m directing it, but then I’ve got to be the, uh, the third cop as well.

Hannah

Guys.

Paul

Any other questions, guys?

Bradley

You’re all set!

Jon

Okay, so this is the S Club Movie. Take 1!

Jon

And action!

Rachel

Okay, Jo. You know what we’ve got to do.

Jo

Sure. We’re going hard. We get the money and we get out if anyone stands in our way, we take them out.

Rachel

Where do we take them?

Jo

What?

Rachel

Well, you said we take them out. Where do we take them? Do we take them to restaurant or something?

Jo

No, Rach! We take them out! We kill them.

Rachel

Oh, Jo. I don’t think we should hurt them.

Jo

So what should we do then?

Rachel

Well, you know, shout at them or something.

Jo

You mean call them names.

Rachel

Yes! Call them names till they give us the money.

Jo

Or they cry.

Rachel

Oh, whatever.

Jo

Alright. Cool. Let’s go.

Jon

Okay. (to Jo and Rachel) Once more with feeling!

Bradley

Yeah. Rachel’s a bit shiny as well.

Jon

Mmm.

Jon

Stop the car!

Hannah

Quick!

Hannah

Go up there!

Jon

Yeah!

Jo

Right foot turn, Rach.

Hannah

Over there!

Jo

Come on, Rach! (showing them the bag)

Hannah

Go, go, go, go, go, go, GO!!

Jo

Whoo-whoo! Come on, Rachel!

Jo

Hey! Check it out!

Jon

Go, go, go!

Hannah

Look out! Get you!

Paul

Go!

Hannah

That’s it, you two! Your robbing days are over!

Jon

You’re going down for 3 to 5!

Jo

Jon, get off! That hurts! (she hits him)

Jon

Ow! Did you see that? She just hit me.

Rachel

So, is that it then?

Hannah

I guess so.

Paul

Well, we have got some more take left.

Jon

So, guys. Why don’t we just end it with a song?

Paul

Okay.

Jon

You alright?

Jo

No. You really hurt my arm.

Jon

I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.

S Club

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party, oh)

Finally Friday night

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party, oh)

(Ooh, ooh) Wave your hands in the air

Tina’s doing her dance

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party, oh)

(Ooh, ooh) Wave your hands in the air

(Ooh, ooh) Wave your hands in the air

Ghetto boys, make some noise

S Club (There ain’t no party like an S Club party, oh)

Jo

So, where should we go tonight then?

Hannah

Well, wherever it is a bit pitchy because I’m skint.

Paul

You’re always skint. When you get money, you don’t have to spend it immediately, you know, Han. It’s not compulsory. You better stay in tonight.

Jon

Yeah, but you’re still coming, aren’t you?

Paul

No.

Tina

Why’s that?

Paul

I’m skint too.

Bradley

What a day. Tell ya. Being a cinema aser is a lot harder than it looks, alright? You got the back seat, anti-snug patrol. You got the Slurpee volume enforcement and you got the ground to air popcorn prevention. Anyway, I thought you lot were going out.

Paul

No. We’ve been waiting for you, mate.

Jon

Yeah. We’re not gonna go out without you, are we?

Jo

Erm, yeah. You have been paid, right?

Bradley

Well, actually, yeah. I made 50 bucks today.

Hannah

Cinema? Has she made 50 bucks a day?

Bradley

No, I don’t get paid to the end of the week, but that’s just some of the change I found down the back of the seats.

Tina

Great. So where are we going?

Bradley

Well, I’m quite parped. So I think I’ll have a night in.

Rachel

Well, there’s a slight problem, see? We haven’t got any money, so we were thinking that maybe you could…

Hannah

Bradley.

Bradley

You still owe me 20 bucks from Florida, you little monkey.

Hannah

No, I don’t. I mean that to Paul.

Paul

Don’t look at me. I gave that to Tina.

Tina

Hey, nothing to do with me. Rachel wanted it and she didn’t like to ask.

Rachel

I only need cos I let my last 20 to Jon.

Jon

Yeah, and I would never have asked if I hadn’t already given all my money to Bradley.

Bradley

So you mean I owe myself 20 bucks. Ha ha.

Hannah

Look, we don’t have to go out to have fun.

Jo

No. Hannah’s right. Why don’t we all spend the evening in?

Tina

And do what?

Rachel

We’ll do what they did in the olden days. You know, before nightclubs are invented, I suppose.

Jo

What? You mean like skinning dinosaurs?

Jon

Come on, guys. We’re gonna have a great time. We can enjoy each other’s company, talk about current affairs, politics, literature.

Paul

Yeah. Who needs music and all those fancy electronics to enjoy themselves? Come on. Let’s go for it. Alright.

Hannah

So, what should we talk about then? Mmm?

Bradley

I see you a lot then.

Paul

(bumping into Jo) Ooh!

Jon

What’s happened?

Tina

The lights have come out.

Hannah

Oh. A dozen squid was just about to start.

Jon

Oh, no. My hair’s gonna look like straw.

Rachel

Your hair always looks like straw.

Jo

Look. Just got to sit down and try and work this one out.

Hannah

Jo! Stop trying to sit on my lap!

Jo

Sorry, Hannah. I can’t see anything.

Hannah

Obviously, you didn’t realize there’s a little bowl of guacamole in my lap.

Jo

Ugh!

Bradley

What is going on down here?

Paul

We’ve burned the lights.

Tina

Oh my gosh! If Joni finds out about this, we’re out.

Jon

I have a strange feeling. She will find out.

Paul

I can’t even see to sit down.

Bradley

Yes we can. (turning the flashlight on) Heh. Allow me to show you to your seats. (to Rachel) Madam, please no talking. (to Hannah) Chew quietly. (to Paul and Tina) Sir, madam.

Paul

Thank you.

Bradley

Show consideration for the other patrons…and enjoy the show.

Jo

What’s that noise coming from outside?

What’s going on? My lights have blown!

So are mine.

Paul

I’m really sorry, but I think… I think it was us that blew the lights.

Oh, great. It was the Brits.

Oh! I might have known.

Well, let’s gang up on them. Throw them out.

Yeah. We did it in 1776 and we can do it again.

Jo

Hold on. You just wait a minute. If it’s our fault, we’ll fix it. Alright?

I’ll repair it.

Hannah

See? Wally will repair it! Everybody knows Wally. Wally’s a qualified electrician. You are qualified, aren’t you, Wal?

As good as.

Hannah

Excellent!

Paul

So, Wally will repair it and there’ll be no need to tell Joni that we blew out her entire building. Deal?

Hmm…

All right.

Yeah.

Jon

Well, I’m glad to see it’s all been sorted out.

Uh, not really. We haven’t worked out my fee.

Rachel

Oh, yes. Your fee. Okay, Wally, come on. Give us a wall park figure.

Well, rewiring an entire building, replacing dozens of junction boxes, scores of power points. It’s a big job. It’s a very big job. I’d say conservative estimate. 90,000,000.

Jo

200 bucks.

Done.

Paul

Where are we gonna get $200 from?

Bradley

Well, we’re definitely ain’t gonna find it down the back of the cinema seat, that’s for sure.

Tina

All I have to find a job, however stupid, however pathetic. We’ll each have to get a job and work really hard and raise the money.

Mmm.

Jo

Hey, Rach, have you still got the paper?

Rachel

Mmm.

Bradley

There you are, Rach. Here’s one for you. Professional dog-sitter.

Rachel

No way! I’m a cat person. You wouldn’t get me working there in a million years.

Jon

Well, there’s our resume copied.

Jerry Parker

I need those our obscure… (bumping into Jo) Oh. Oh. I’m sorry.

Jo

Sorry.

Jerry Parker

Gee. May I help you? This is my fault.

Jo

Sorry. I’m not normally such a muffin.

Jerry Parker

Hey. You’re English, right?

Jon

Yeah. Yeah we are.

Jerry Parker

And you’re looking for work. Then I may have the thing for you. Come with me.

Jon

A radio station. You want us to work in a radio station.

Jo

Result!

Jerry Parker

I’m Jerry Parker, program director here at KWOW. We are looking to expand into a younger demographic without losing our present audience and I think you could be just a presenters we’re looking for.

Jon

Oh, we are, w-we’re exactly what you’re looking for.

Jo

Yeah. Whatever it is.

Jerry Parker

Great. And you’re being British you’ll retain the sophisticated image we want at this station.

Jo

Oh, yeah. We’re well sophisticated.

Jon

Yeah. You know, p-pip old fruit.

Jerry Parker

(chuckles) Now you’re British so I needn’t ask you this question. But you are familiar with the popular classics, right?

Jon

Oh, yeah. The popular classics. You know, Status Quo. Level 42. Right Said Fred.

Jo

Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Kajagoogoo.

Jerry Parker

No, no. (laughs)

Jerry Parker

Good one! Now, I was thinking more Elgar, William Walton, some Beethoven.

Jon

Oh, those popular classics! Right.

Jerry Parker

That won’t be a problem, will it?

Jon

For us? Oh, no, no, no. We’re British old man. You know, classical music is our heritage. It’s our lifeblood. You know, we grew up listening to Beethoven’s 1812 in our cribs.

Jerry Parker

Tchaikovsky.

Jon

No, no, no, no. It’s absolutely true.

Jo

No, Jon…

Jon

Jo, shut up. I can bluff this guy. I do know a bit about classical music, you know.

Jerry Parker

It was Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture.

Jon

That’s what I meant.

Jo

Personally, I’ve always preferred his Romeo and Juliet the symphonic version, naturally. The ballet version was a bit too superficial for my taste.

Jon

What?

Jerry Parker

Exactly. So, so, you enjoy the Russian composers.

Jo

I quite like the riot spring, though. I always did say Leon Trotsky goes a long, long way.

Jerry Parker

Oh, then you’ll fit right in here, so can you start tomorrow say 11am?

Mhm.

Jerry Parker

Ah, excellent. Excuse me.

Jon

What just happened?

Jo

My dad was a classical music, nutter. He used to have his own used record store down the rock for market. I could bals before I could walk, Jon.

Jon

You kept that quiet.

Jo

Not so much quiet. More pan simmer.

Jon

Now you’re just showing off.

Jo

Yeah.