Jo quotes from L.A. 7

Jon

(reading) Camp Elysium. Proprietor: Blair Beazley, Ph.D. “Cogito Ergo Sum.”

Jo

Blimey, you can say that again, mate.

Jon

No, I don’t think I can actually.

Bradley

What does it mean?

Tina

Roughly translated. He who pops first, pops loudest.

Bradley

I thought I recognized it from somewhere.

Tina

I’m sorry, but in what possible is this? A camp?

Bradley

Where are the tents?

Jo

Or the shower blocks?

Hannah

Or the cow pats? Well, you can’t have a campsite without cow pats. It’d be like having a cheese and pickle sandwich right the pickles.

Tina

Or the cheese.

Paul

Well, maybe they have a different idea of what camping is here.

Bradley

I don’t know about you, but when I went away with the 27th flourish of sea scouts, well, we didn’t quite feel the need to bring our own library.

Tina

It looks more like a university than a kids camp.

Jo

This Beazley about? He does know we are, right? I mean he’s not expecting proper teachers or anything.

Paul

No, no, no. Of course not.

Tina

You didn’t perchance spin him that old yarn about you being at school of Prince William, did you?

Paul

Yeah, like I would.

Jon

Don’t worry, Teen. He only uses that line on girls.

Bradley

Or they guy dog.

Hannah

I reckon Paul used that line so often. He almost believes it himself.

Paul

No, I don’t! Now look. Just go and fetch my case from the car, you nasty little commoner.

Rachel

Maybe we should think about this for a moment. This place feels really weird.

Paul

Rachel, Professor Beazley is offering us 300 a week plus bored.

Rachel

Didn’t I say “I love weird?”

Jo

Where is everybody?

In the hall waiting for the lectures to begin.

Bradley

Lectures?

Uh-huh. This morning, we’re doing dark matter and wormholes.

Hannah

Oh, biology. Nice!

No. Astrophysics.

Hannah

Of course! Astrophysics.

Rachel

Well, don’t let us keep you. We wouldn’t want you missing the start of your lecture.

Not very likely seeing how we’re the ones giving it.

Welcome to clever camp.

Bradley

Oh, right. What?

Jo

Okay. Soak him.

Paul

All right. I admit it. I may have slightly exaggerated the order educational achievement, but I was only saying what we wanted to hear.

Tina

Yeah, but Oxford?

Paul

All I said is that we’ve been to Oxford which we have.

Rachel

Only for one night, when we played at my niece Anna’s birthday party.

Paul

Did I say that would graduate it?

Jon

Yes, but now we have to play a concert of classical music!

Hannah

Forget soaking. Drowning!

Paul

Look, look. I can explain!

Bradley

Go on then. Explain.

Paul

You’re right. I can’t.

Jon

Look, we could try and bluff it. You know, improvise.

Tina

Improvise? You can’t improvise with classical music. It got rules.

Paul

Beazley made the performances part of the deal. No performance, no check.

Tina

On the other hand, rules were made to be broken.

Hannah

Well, I’ve never had a day quite like that before.

Jo

Nor me. Talk about brainy kids. It’s like spending the hold-down Who Wants to Be a Millionaire without any chance of winning the money.

Jon

Yeah, or phone your friend.

Hannah

Do you know what I reckon the real problem in this place is?

Jo

What?

Hannah

It’s not that the kids are too smart or too brainy. It’s that Beazley in the pairs you send them. They are so keen on getting on so well. They’ve just forgotten to let ‘em be kids.

Jo

She’s right.

Rachel

Jo, I think we’ve got to do. I think we’ve got to help them get in touch with their childish side.

Jon

Hmm. How are we gonna do that?

Rachel

Oh, I don’t know. Get in touch with our childish side.

Hannah

And here it comes!

Bradley

What?

Have you all gone stark staring mad? What do you think you’re doing?

Bradley

Well, we’re just having a laugh.

A laugh, and that’s funny, is it? Taking some of the finest young minds in the country and setting them to work on strategies for throwing flour around the kitchen.

Bradley

Yeah. What strategies?

Jo

Look. Just chill out a bit, mate. I mean what is your problem? They were just having a bit of fun for once. That’s what kids do.

Fun. You call that fun. Throwing paint in each other’s hair. What’s the point in that?

Tina

There isn’t one?

Jo

And that’s the point.

I think you should all leave now, before you do any more damage.

Paul

Damage? Professor Beazley, did you see those kids’ faces? They were happy. They were really happy and why was that? Because for the first time in their entire life, they were, they were having fun. They were being kids. They were being funny, clever, inquisitive, smelly, messy kids. Now, do you understand what we’re trying to say here or do you want it in Latin first?

Tina

Come on. Let’s go.

Jo

Nice one. You’re almost forgiven. (kissing Paul’s cheek)

Bradley

Wow, look at that!

Jon

Well, there it is, guys. Hollywood. It’s the most famous place in the world.

Hannah

Tinseltown!

Jo

Can’t see much tinsel from here. Looks more like smoke and smoke.

Rachel

Do you realize that every single person down there wants to be famous?

Tina

They all want to be actors, directors, musicians, bands, millions of them, all with the same dream.

Hannah

Cor! That’s a lot of competition!

Rachel

Well, you know how the song goes. If you can make it there, you’ll make it anywhere. It’s up to you.

Jo

That’s New York, Rach.

Rachel

Oh. Well, do you think we come to the right town?

Bradley

Guys. So what are we waiting for? Let’s get down there and show ‘em how it’s done.

Paul

So does this look cheap enough?

Jo

Well, if it isn’t, we might as well go to the nearest dog zone and rent out a kennel for the night.

Jon

Right. Come on, everybody. Let’s try and look cheap.

Bradley

Sound tricky. Maybe we better, um… send Rachel first.

Rachel

Someone help me rip Bradley’s head off. (strangles Bradley)

Jon

So where’s Bradley then?

Jo

Um, he got run over by rollerblader.

Tina

Is he hurt?

Paul

No. He’s just milking it for all his words. You know Brad, our one, we used to call him at college.

Ooh, oh-oh

Loving you is not just luck or illusion

Baby, loving you comes easily to me

We got the answers, but there’s no explanation (no explanation)

Baby, loving you comes easily to me

Joni

You know, that’s the S Club 7. They’re living in one of my apartments.

(What I live for, it’s what I live for)

Jo

All right, who starred in Casablanca?

Hannah

Uh, Cameron Diaz and Johnny Depp.

Jo

(clears throats) Humphrey Boger and Ingrid Bergman.

Hannah

Oh.

Jo

Um, how about Batman?

Hannah

Oh, I know that one! I know that one! Um, Batman and Robin.

Jo

Oh, Random Violence! I wanna go and see that.

Hannah

I don’t want to go and see Random Violence. I hate Tommy De Witt movies.

Jo

How can you not like Tommy De Witt? He’s probably sexy.

Hannah

Oh, come on. He’s not even a good actor.

Jo

Bother about that. Someone’s good acting. I can watch Bradley telling us why he ain’t done the washing up. Tommy’s gorgeous.

Hannah

Oh. He’s just a big talentless haircut with expensive dental work and about half the sex appeal of R2-D2. Now there’s some quality dental work.

Hannah

How’s your makeup?

Rachel

Mmm. Pretty good…for an amateur.

Hannah

Hmm.

Rachel

I can’t believe you’re getting ready to go out on a date with Tommy De Witt.

Tina

Especially when you’ve always said he was a big talking haircut with no talent.

Hannah

Yes, but that was before he turned up at my apartment wanting to go out with. Mm.

Jo

Well, hurry up. I wanna get out there before the guys scare Tommy off.

Rachel

That’s the one.

Hannah

Yeah.

Paul

So, Tommy, tell me. What was it like jumping from that skyscraper to that helicopter in Random Violence?

Actually, that was my stunt double.

Oh.

Jon

How about that fantastic sword fight in, um… slashblade peninsula?

That was my fencing double.

Oh.

Paul

What about shooting those love scenes with Neve Campbell?

That was my body double.

Oh.

Bradley

Tommy.

Yeah.

Bradley

Um… Do you actually appear in any of your movies?

Hannah

Hi. I’m Hannah.

And I am speechless. You wanna go out?

Hannah

Yeah. Oh. But before we do, my friends wanna meet ya. This is Tina, Rachel and Jo.

Hi, Tina.

Tina

Hi.

Hi, Rachel.

Rachel

Hi.

Hi, Jo.

Jo

Yeah. (falls on the floor)

Hannah

Aha! All right. Um, time to go.

Jo

She’s back out the car.

Tina

Jo, give the girl some privacy.

Jo

You’re right. Like you’re not interested whether Hannah gets a snug off Tommy De Witt or not.

Rachel

Of course we’re not.

Tina

She’s getting out the car.

Rachel

He’s getting out.

Jo

He’s walking out to the door.

Tina

Their heads are getting closer and closer.

Jo

Oh. Snuggle her.

Rachel

Leave impact in 3 seconds.

Tina

Two.

Rachel

One.

Hannah

Thanks. I had a great night.

I know you did, baby.

Hannah

And Hollywood is also the world capital of romance: Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn, Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. Jean-Claude Van Damme and himself.

Jo

I can’t believe it. Hannah’s falling in love with Tommy De Witt.

Tina

It’s not fair. I loved Tommy De Witt when Hannah thought he had all the charm and Charisma of a timber door frame. Now, she’s the one getting all the face friction.

It’s not fair.

Tina

We need to get out more.

Jo

Still, it could be worse. We could be Paul.

Rachel

Paul’s nearly ready. He’s very excited.

Joni

Ooh, that makes two of us. (referring to Paul) Um, now I will have him home by 11:00, and is there anything that he doesn’t eat?

Rachel

Hmm… Tin cans.

Jo

Washing machines.

Tina

And that’s about it.

Paul

Hi.

Joni

Hi. Well, let’s party.