Gordon quotes from Kitchen Nightmares

What's in there?

Tenders.

Chicken tenders. Why is it all bubbly and slimy?

The chicken comes like that.

The chicken comes like that. Look how slimy it is, look how slimy it is. Look at it. Shit!

(interview) My God, it's ribid, it's so embarassing.

What is this? How can you serve that? It's like it's been left out for days and it's been attacked by cats.

I would never, never have put a spoon of anything in my mouth if I knew this was taking place.

(interview) It's shocking to see just the extent of cross-contamination. There's no check-up.

(to Chief) Sorry, Chief. You may be the chief, but I swear to God, there's one thing that Grasshopper hasn't got is a LEADER.

(interview) We should all be ashamed of ourselves. At this point in time, I'd like to shot the doors and just say, "You know what? Break it off."

(to Mitch, Maureen and Chief) Someone's got to help me here a little bit. I cannot help a situation who are not willing to help themselves, and you don't need me to come in here and turn your fridge upside-down. Mitch, if you're the one with the hands-on deck in this business, and you're (Maureen) supporting him, and you're (Chief) the mentoring figure, we're screwed.

We have people coming tonight. What are we going to do?

I can guarantee you one thing. I am NOT serving food tonight with that shit in there - no way.

What is that? Let me just tell you something, when I was busting my chops earlier making it for you, I turned my back for five minutes and you send that out.

Chef.

Chef? Come on, guys. On the back of 115 customers in 2 1/2 hours, results are that.

(interview) Chef Ramsay was like, "To hell with all these!" There was like no passion, no care for any of the food coming out.

All you fuckers get paid?! WHERE'S THE WORRY ON YOUR FACES?! IF YOU WERE MY BRIGADE, I WOULD'VE FIRED YOU FUCKING SIXTEEN YEARS AGO!! YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU and FUCKING YOU!!!

Fuck!

Abby, what you’re employing is a ship with no captain at the helm and a team desperate for guidance. No guidance is no standards; no standards is no consistency. So, who came up with the menu? If this is American comfort food, somebody’s dreaming here.

I did. I did; I take full responsibility for the menu.

You have no cooking background but you put the menu together? Abby, you’ve got to understand how frustrating this is. It’s ridiculous!

I don’t know what to say. Fix it. You fix it! That’s why you’re here.

Oh come on, Abby! How can I fix it when you stand there in front of your team rating YOU and your restaurant and your food 10 out of 10? Dreamer!

I don’t... I don’t think it’s as bad as you say it’s...

Stop being in denial!

Can you be more specific about the meat loaf? What did you not like about the meat loaf?

(in disbelief) Oh, SHIT!

Can you say something besides...

You’re loopy!

I’ve been called worse than that.

Wake up and admit it’s shit!

Bring it on.

Oh, come on.

Bring it on.

What do you mean, “bring it on”?

You haven't got a head chef?

Jimmy is my head chef.

So we have a head chef. Before, you weren't ready to confirm he was a head chef. All of a sudden, we discover this mess down here. Now, he's appointed.

Rico, why don't we just sell the place and just get out of the business?

Why don't we what?!

I was talking to Rico. It has nothing to do with you.

Has nothing to do with me?

No.

Excuse me? What do you think I'm doing? I'm trying--

You're being a fucking asshole! This wasn't like this. I don't run a kitchen like this!

Hold - hold on a minute! You're calling me a fucking asshole?!

I am!

You stuck-up precious little bitch! Let me tell you something!

Oh, boy. Here we go.

Listen to me!

I'm not going to listen to you.

You're in denial!

I'm not in denial!

Yes, you are! Yes, you are! You can't even accept it!

Fuck you!

And you walk out again!

I am! (Flips off Gordon) Fuck you! (walks upstairs)

There you go. Flip the bird? That's your attitude? (to Rico) And that's your partner? I'm really sorry, but this wasn't like this before I got here? She's deluded, that woman.

You are insane!

Blame me all you want! Easy excuse, isn't it? You're insane!

I'm insane? You're insane! You're fucking insane!

You can't even handle the fucking truth!

That refrigerator was not like that before you got here.

You're in denial. Flip out again!

I would NEVER allow that refrigerator to go like that!

And those BONES?! The mouldy lamb bones?!

I don't even talk to my staff like this! Why don't you get the fuck out of my restaurant?!

You want me to go? I will go.

I would love you to go! Get the fuck out of my restaurant, please!

You are SO in denial, you need THERAPY!

You're a disgrace to this industry! Fuck you, get out of my restaurant! Are you still here?

(to the cameraman) Not now, guys, please, Please, please.

Fuck him.

Oh, my God. You are kidding me. Jesus Christ! Who's doing all this? Oh, my good God.

Um, Gordon, if you continue like that, Jesus Christ is actually going to appear.

I hope so, because that's what's needed right now.

Okay, today can be summed up in one four-letter word: lazy. I can't even start to help both of you when you're not even helping yourselves. I really needed you to do something. Both of you, go through your kitchen and clean it. Not your staff. You. Both of you. Got it?

Yeah.

Good night. Get to work. [leaves]

(interview) We were lazy. Now we're paying for it. We're failures.

Yay.

[sobbing while cleaning a refrigerator grate] It's making it dirtier. Can't...do this.

What's wrong Jim?

I can't clean anything. I'm a failure. I'm making a mess. (interview) I feel bad. We are in trouble. I really don't know if we can fix it. That's the problem.

I'm not cleaning anything up.

Go take a break Jim.

No, I can't take a break, cause I'm too lazy as it is. I'm fine. I got to clean this up.

I saw on the menu, the "Oysters--"

The Oysters Cortello.

[gives her a meaningful look]

It's an invented dish for our restaurant. The Cortellos are Darryl and Ellen, so they made it up.

So the owners have named an oyster after them?

Yes, they have.

They bought the restaurant, now they want their name on the menu.

Yes.

Sounds like someone's struggling for power!

How does this work? Emil, when were these done?

Last night.

Why are they bagged?

He portions them out to order.

Really? [Watches Darryl's side-eye] What's the idea of putting everything in bags?

Portion size.

Portion size?

[interview] I like to have everything in quantitative perspective. If I give too much, you get a happy customer here, you don't get a good customer. They're happy because they're getting three times what they should be getting, and I'm getting nothing. I don't make money on that.

It's food. We're not cutting, uh, piping for the bathroom.

Oh, my God. [groans] It's tough?

Look how tough the duck is!

You said it's tough?

It is tough, man! Cut it! And look- I'm 500 pounds, and look... [tries to cut it]

It is not tough.

The meat is tough!

I'm hungry and I'm going to eat it my fucking self.

Enjoy it then!

[interview] That's my favorite dish on the menu. And that duck is not going nowhere. This is going to stay quacking on my menu.

I don't give a fuck if he doesn't like it. [takes a bite] Man, this duck is so fucking good, man. (interview) Oh my gosh. (Kisses).

Hey look, that's the skin.

It's tough. (interview) Moe doesn't get it. He doesn't want to listen, he still thinks it's tender. I don't know what kind of teeth he has.

You know what? I'd like him to come back here and cook the duck and show him what his duck gonna look like. We're going to call it the "Gordon duck!" (laughs; Gordon can hear it.) It's going to be a British duck right there! (laughs)

What the hell's going on in there?

How's it going, Chef?

They're laughing. What is going on in there?

The food is coming back to the kitchen and they think it's a joke.

Um, can I meet the chef?

Absolutely.

[Mocks Gordon back in the kitchen] "It's bloody dreadful! Fucking bloody!"

[interview] Chef Ramsay is clueless. I really don't think that British can cook. Period.

Damon, executive chef? How long have you been here?

About six and a half months.

I don't know where to start, but here's the thing: the food is embarrassing. No passion, no flavour. The crab cakes, they weren't made fresh. Do you freeze crab cakes? Damon?

No.

You don't freeze them? Soggy, covered in sauce?

Chef, I'd like to step on this side, to be on your side, because they do freeze the crab cakes. (interview) I had to step from that line and go to Chef Ramsay's side. How is he going to help us if you're lying to him?

Why are we lying to each other here? Are they frozen, yes or no?

Yes.

They are? Why do you want to bullshit me? I could taste they're frozen.

But there's a good reason why we freeze the crab cakes.

Tell me the good reason behind freezing crab cakes.

Because we don't have enough customers here to serve the crab cakes, so the only thing to prevent them from going bad is to freeze them.

Why make so many?

The batch is big basically.

I don't understand this.

Why would you make a big batch?

(interview) Rami... fuck you, you just sold me out to fucking Chef Ramsay!

Damon, when was the duck cooked?

I can't give you an answer.

Oh, come on! I mean, what the fuck is this?

I don't know.

(flabbergasted) You don't know when the duck was cooked?!

No.

Do you know when the duck was cooked?

No sir, I don't.

Do you know when the duck was cooked?

Holy shit!

I know when the fucking duck was cooked! I know!

Well, thank fuck for that!! Solve the mystery!!

We cook the duck off the premises. And we usually cook it about once a month.

You cook the duck off the premises?

Yes, in our commissary kitchen.

And it stays in the fridge for a month?!

Freezer.

Oh, shit! So, you cook the duck, you freeze it, and then you bring it in like a shipment?

How many fucking times do you want me to say it?

Because I'm fucking embarrassed! You're just bullshitting me because you haven't got the balls to step up to the fucking plate!

(approaches Gordon and gets in his face) Well, this is me stepping up to the fucking plate!

WELL, TELL THE FUCKING TRUTH THEN!!

What the fuck else do you need to know?!

The truth!!

You can't do that! You can't do that!

HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?!!

You need to chill out! You cannot do that! He's here to help us fix the problem!

Do I not deserve the fucking truth? I asked you if (the crab cakes) are frozen, you lied. I said when did you cook the duck? "I don't know." Why couldn't you be honest? If that's how deluded you guys are, that you can't even tell me the truth, I'm really sorry. I'm not here to help fucking liars, let me tell you that. Do you know what? I don't know where to even start. (leaves) Fuck me!

(finds a container of spoiled shrimp) What's this? Oh, fucking hell.

Oooooh...

(smells the shrimp) Oh my... (starts coughing and then throws up in a bin) Shit! How old are they?

I don't know.

Just smell them. (Damon smells) Smell them.

(smelling) Oh! (interview) The smell was like "Argh!" I had no idea... Chef... Damon was doing such a shitty job.

Look at the colour of them! All this shit is tarnished now, the whole fucking lot is tainted!

(interview) It's just... unacceptable. I mean Chef Damon should know better, he's an executive chef.

(finding tons of pasta in the fridge) I'm trying to help you understand the method in your madness.

Hey, asshole, I'm not the one who just said it was done yesterday! I asked my prepper--

You can call me a fucking arsehole all you want. So get fucking angry with me.

You're standing right here hearing me ask the person who knows and I gave you his answer, not mine.

Right, who's the fucking chef around here?

I am.

Right. Bags of jambalaya, in the fridge, warm. Have you any idea what happens to jambalaya in the fridge when it's still warm in the centre?

Grows the bacteria?

"Grows the bacteria"? (Finds bins of crabs) And how many crabs are you selling, "chef," over the next fucking three months? Lost for words? (Flabbergasted) Really?! Another box of crab cakes. When were these made? No date, you see, "chef."

(Interview) There was nothing but dollar signs going through my mind. Soft shell crabs, jambalaya, crawfish étouffée thrown straight down the garbage. Chef Damon basically just took the money right out of our pockets.

(Finds a dirty tray) I don't what you think you should be taking out of containers... and sort of... cleaning out your fridge from time to time. One fucking question to you: who's the arsehole now, "chef"?

I am. (his eyes twitch)

I didn't come in here to humiliate you. But how DARE you serve me food from this disgusting fridge, then STAND there, and call me an arsehole, "chef"?! Excuse me... "chef."

Who told you to put oil under there?

Damon.

The chef? So you spray the grill with oil? (cough, cough) Fucking shit!

I'm going to do some work in the kitchen. Do you have any recipes...on pen and paper?

(points to his head) Right here.

What?!

Right here.

So why aren't they on paper? Why haven't we got a database?

I like to keep my recipes secrets. If I put them on a piece of paper, I don't want anyone to steal them.

Fucking hell. Oh, Jesus Christ. So you're worried that somebody gets the recipe and copies it.

Anybody changes my recipe, I'm going to kill them. It's my recipe.

Rami, help me out here. Is this for real?

This is what we do everyday chef. [Gordon laughs]

You think it's funny but believe what I tell you.

I don't think it's funny, You're just a little bit deluded.

Well you know what? The recipes are in my head.

(incredulously) Are you stupid?!

I am not stupid.

Moe, you are stupid. (interview) The kitchen absolutely don't know what the fuck to cook because the recipe is in Moe's head! It's crazy.

Don't call me stupid in my fucking restaurant! You understand that you need to learn how to talk to people?! This is New Orleans! You understand?!

Wow...

This is New Orleans! Don't fucking come down here talking to us like that!

Calm down...

I have NEVER been chewed up like you chewed me up! (in interview) We got nothing but swamp around here! Anybody who talk like that get chopped up and fed to the fucking alligators!

I'm not here to blow smoke up your fucking arse, let me tell you that. I'm here to fix this restaurant. But you are one obstacle, aren't you?

No, I'm an easy-going guy...I listen, I work hard....

But you're a..."busy idiot."

....I don't think he gets it that he needs to watch his language.

But you're not getting that he's here to help us.

But I'm not calling him an idiot, he's calling me an idiot.

"Busy" idiot.

Busy idiot.

You're working hard in the wrong places.

I mean, I feel like flipping the fucking table right now.

Did you hear what he just said? He just explained it, you're working hard in the wrong places.

Busy idiot! Is he kidding me?! (in interview) I will stand up, beat the fuck out of him, and show him who the fucking idiot is!

What is it you want? A fight?

(long pause) My problem is, I want to make this restaurant successful.

So do I. I'm here to help. I don't want to see you running around killing yourself like a busy idiot. I've just gone over the fact that we haven't got any recipes on paper, and all in your head. You're worrying about writing them down for some other chef copying them and making their restaurants more successful than yours. I'm in the real world. That's where I am. You're treating me like one of your fucking staff. Well, let me tell you, Moe, I'm not a member of your staff. Flip the table, punch me, do the fuck what you want to do. But don't fuck with me.