Melissa quotes from Kitchen Nightmares

(watching Brian, in the kitchen, down a glass of beer) I want to see you and Ramsay chug.

I'll smoke him, and tuck him into bed. Goodnight, chef. (laughs) (interview) I'm a very confident person. I've been in the kitchen a long time. I'm almost positive we'll get a good review.

(waiting for his spring rolls) When you get a family business right, it goes on for generations; and here, it doesn't feel like a family-run business at all. Pubs are full of atmosphere, fun. It's got tweed-neck curtains, like you're going to visit your granny. Weird.

(arriving with spring rolls) Here you are; spring rolls with Coleman's mustard.

Wow. God. Very strange, bizarre-looking spring roll. (eats it) Damn. (to Melissa) Are they popular on the menu?

(hesitantly) People... really like them.

No doubt half the customers are drunk.

This is a tough half-hour of my life.

(to Brian) Not a big hit.

He didn't like it?

Nope. (interview) Brian's in the kitchen, wondering, and I'm like, "Nope."

Are you kidding me?

He really expected me to be like, "He loved it!" You know, "He wants you to come work for him!"

Come on! (drizzles balsamic on Gordon's salmon) Maybe try that one.

(serving the salmon to Gordon) Let me get you some clean silverware...

Thank you. (noticing the balsamic) God. What's this stuff, please, Melissa?

On top is a balsamic reduction. He (Brian) likes to use that a lot. On everything, he puts a little drizzle on.

A little? Thank you.

You're welcome. (leaves)

Always a sign of an insecure chef, when he macerates everything in balsamic vinegar. Look at this. (tastes it) Horrible. Doesn't taste of salmon at all.

(returning) All through?

Does my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?

No.

(sarcastically) Good. Lovely.

I don't even think he likes the water.

(to Brian) He asked me, "Will my shepherd's pie have any balsamic vinegar?" and I told him, "No, I assure you it will not."

Do I? Do I dare? (interview) I don't want to come off as conceited or cocky, but I know I'm very good at what I do. I know the back of the house well. I've done everything that's out there.

Let's try that one.

(serves the pie) Enjoy.

Thank you.

You're welcome. (leaves)

(digging into the shepherd's pie with his fork) It's just a big ball of grease. (eats it and grimaces) Just very, very greasy. (coughs and gags) Oh, God! That's disgusting.

(to Buddy) The toilet?

Second door on the left.

Oh, no...

How have you been?

Eh, I had a little glitch there for a little bit.

What happened?

I had a heart attack.

What?!

(interview) My father's heart attack was a very traumatizing experience in a lot of different ways.

(interview) And it was bad. The doctor told him he could have died.

(interview) That was a very scary time, realizing how close we were to losing him. It was beyond scary.

I was down for a few weeks, actually. And I was shocked-- the three of them stepped up, took the bull by the horns, and when I came back everything was perfect.

(interview) I don't think last year we could've done it. If this would've happened before Ramsay came, I think Finn McCool's would've been doors locked, done.

Bloody good to see you.

Yeah?

Yeah. Honestly. [shakes Buddy's hand. Buddy has quite a grip] There it is-- I swear to God. Honestly, I feel like you crushed my fingers. It'll take three days for the blood to go back.

When was the last time this fridge was cleaned?

A week ago.

Oh, come on, this hasn't been cleaned in years.

No, it has.

No, it hasn't, I'm sorry. Twenty-one years in the business, I'll bet every fucking dollar that I have, this fucking place hasn't been cleaned in years.