Kenny vs. Spenny quotes

Kenny

I'm going to make Spenny turn against his beliefs, turn against his morals, and his righteousness. I am the snake and you are Eve. It's time to bite my apple, man.

Dude, it has been a dream my whole life to sell a script.

What about the bibles?

Fuck the bibles!

Kenny

You feel a little tingle in your stomach, and the tingle is friendship. And when that tingle hits your heart, it becomes love.

Or herpes.

Kenny

Hey, making loud noises is mean, Spenny.

Kenny

There are some things that I've done that are so mean to Spenny that I think they are detrimental to his health right now, and I think if I came clean, he would truly believe I was trying to change.

What kinds of things are you talking about?

Kenny

Like, just little things, like, I stuck his toothbrush up my ass two weeks ago and he's still using it. I'm so sorry I used to be mean.

I think we need to end this session now. I can't be of any help to you.

Kenny

Well, thank you so much for your time, I really appreciate it. Come on Spencer, let's go.

Kenny

I'm so sorry Spenny is an asshole.

You fucked Catherine Stockwood while I was seeing her?

Kenny

Yeah.

Where?

Kenny

[lowers his head in shame], In the vagina. Fucking, fucking for hours on end, just fucking her and fucking her.

Please, just cut the cameras.

Kenny

It's true, I'm sorry. But still, it's very nice of me to tell you.

Kenny

Spencer, you are a rat in my maze. Believe me, you're not gonna get the cheese.

Kenny

I miss the olden days, you know? When we were just kids, didn't have a care in the world. Now we've got these corporate pigs watching our every move, and this stupid show, these competitions-- they're just useless!

It has affected our relationship, there's no question about it.

Kenny

I swear to you from the bottom of my heart, friend, I'm tired of being mean. I'm tired of being a cheater, and a crook, and the vermin virus that I am.

I don't think we've spent time like this in what, 15 years?

Kenny

We should have more competitions like this.

We can't, that's the problem. They want us to kill each other. That's what they want.

Kenny

There's nothing more important to Spenny than being me, being in love with me, wanting to emulate me, and become...the son of God.

You are the last person on the planet that I wanna be like. Do you understand that?

Kenny

It's gonna be very hard for me to impersonate Spenny. Really what I have to do is: masturbate in playgrounds...what else do you do?

Fuck squirrels...in the park.

Kenny

In the park? I thought it was in the ass.

I'm a crack addict...

Kenny

Guys cracks.

Umm...what else do I do? I'm a necrophiliac.

Kenny

Oh, one sec, you are a...shit eating...

Oh, that's right. I'm a shit eating fuck head. See I'm going to win, because I've captured your essence. I have to be him. Feel sorry for me.

Kenny

In other words, it's time for him to become funny, and for me to stop being funny.

People think I'm funny.

Kenny

Looking

What the fuck are you doing? Oh My God! Kenny what is that? That can't be.

Kenny

What is it? It's dinner.

Is that real fuckin' poo?

Kenny

Kenny if you're gonna interrupt my dinner you might as well set up a plate and sit down.

Ok this is fuckin' ridiculous. I've never done anything like that in my life. Ever!

Kenny

Oh no, I'm allergic to peanuts! [Spitting out fake feces]

This is completely ridic - what are you doing?! Is that fuckin' poo?

It's just brownie mix, cake.

You're ruining my fuckin' shirt. The fuckin' toilet looks like shit. [Kenny spits up more poo] Me at the toilet eating shit is fuckin' beyond the pale, BEYOND THE PALE!

I pooped my panties!

Spencer, no! That's too much!

I got poo-poo on my nose! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

Spencer, that's enough! Out! Get out!

[breaking character] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's what your son's like. You know what he did today? He made, uh, fake poo, and ate it, pretending to be me. That's what he did today.

That's why he's so funny.

You think that's funny?

I think that's funny.

And this isn't funny?

No, this is messy.

Ok, I don't give a fuck if I'm in character or not. This is character assassination, this has nothing to do with my character! He's got dildos, books, gay magazines, condoms, and what the fuck is this? [referring to a stain on his bed] He pissed my bed! He pissed my bed! He pissed my bed! This is bullshit man. Fuck!

This whole thing is fucking ridiculous. It has degenerated into a cartoon. I'm sick of him [Kenny], I'm sick of being him, and the coffee, and the mother jokes, and eating the fucking shit. Is he just walking all over me and I'm allowing him to do it? Do I have to debase myself, and go down to his level? And roll in the mud? Is that what this is all about? And maybe right now, maybe right now I should be doing Kenny, but I... I can't, I don't have it in me. The well is dry. I have nothing left. I have nothing left to give. Because becoming Kenny Hotz, even for this short period of time, I think it has damaged my soul. I do. I think I've actually damaged my soul. I think I'm going to have to repair myself, to get back to what I used to be, what I am and what I always wanted to be, is what I should be. And I'm not perfect. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm not. I just try to be good. That's all I do.

What the? What is that? [Spenny is referring to a novelty vagina that Kenny is wearing on his face, then Kenny starts to "finger" his face] OH THAT'S DISGUSTING! You know this is disgusting what you're doing. Kenny it's not working.

Kenny

[Mimics mouth movements with the novelty] Do you have a breath mint? [Makes vagina fart noises with the novelty] Bonjour! Comment ça va aujourd'hui?

I think I should have the last date. Obviously we're not dating the same person at the same time. Can I go second please?

Kenny

Can you go suck it?

SECOND!

Kenny

What was, you want to..

Fuck!

Kenny

Fuck? Now you want to fuck? First you wanted to suck now you want to fuck?