LET ME MASTURBATE ALONE! FUCK!
S3 E7Who Can Produce More Semen?
This time I'm making the rules! Cum rules: One, no children. Two, no homeless gentlemen. Three, no corpses animal or human. Four, you cannot masturbate me to make me cum.
People fuck animals, people fuck feet. I've never heard of anyone fucking meat. And I'm begging you the next time stick a fuckin' post-it note saying "fucked it" and I won't eat it.
I didn't fuck it.
You didn't fuck it?
Not really. I made love to it.
S3 E8Who Can Stay in a Haunted House the Longest?
You shut up for two seconds. This is not a Kenny versus Spenny competition this is a competition between good and evil and guess which one you are buddy!
Good?
NO, EVIL!
S3 E10Who Can Catch a Bigger Fish?
We're having a fishing competition why are we talking about vaginas?
Do you know what a lure is? Do you know what a bait is? Do you know...
I bait the fish with my allure.
So it's all gonna be puns. But the reality is, have you ever looked at a tackle box? Do you know what that is? Do you have any idea?
I've tackled a lot of boxes my friend.
Oh God, with the fuckin' puns. Stop it!
Oh, one more rule. You can't use your penis as bait, 'cause fish love worms.
[On Loudspeaker] Mayday! Mayday! Spenny's Mother is a whore! A dirty whore!
Kenny shut up! Shut up!
Mayday! She's a whore! She likes it up the ass!
That's it. That's it. [Goes up to Kenny and starts choking him] DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER! [To the boat's captain and is referring to the loudspeaker] Turn this off! Turn it off! Jesus Christ!
Call me Kenny.
SSShip's Captain
Calm down it's off, it's off.
Don't call me Jesus in front of people.
Don't tell me to calm down. Get down there and don't touch my fuckin' rod.
That's not what you said last night.
Ok, one more fuckin' rod joke, dick joke, stick joke and I'm gonna fuckin' lose it!
S3 E12Who Can Stay Homeless the Longest?
When you realize that you'll have no responsibilities, you'll have no bills to pay, you won't have to bathe--which you do [sic] anyway--so you can stink, and everybody will stink, so you'll blend in with the crowd. You might actually enjoy it. That's actually a real concern of mine.
I'm gonna pay homeless people to rape Spenny, and it's gonna cost me a lot of money.
You know what, even just referring to them as homeless people--they're all individuals.
I'm sorry, you're right, I shouldn't refer to them as homeless. I should refer to them as stinky bums.
To me, homeless people are like the birds. You know, they're free, they splash around, they wash themselves in fountains.
Shh! I'm homeless!
Yeah, you're brainless.
Where's my shoe?!
A homeless guy took it.
If you don't give me my shoe, I'm going to urinate in your mouth!
S3 E13Arm Wrestling Competition
I'm a hemorrhoid because I'm on your ass, man. I'm fucking tailing you. And the more you scratch, the more you rub, the bigger I get, until eventually I'm gonna fucking pop all over your ass! Oh wait, no...
S4 E1First Guy to Get a Boner Loses
[To the mirror] Ooh! Yeah, you are fucking hot man! I fucking love you! Yeah, you fucking love me? I fucking love you. Do you love me? Well, let's go! You wanna go? OK!
[Proceeds to make out with himself in the mirror]
I can't do this. I gotta stop, I'm getting a boner.
You shaved your legs!
No I didn't, I clipped them.
You clipped your leg hair!
Yes, I did.
You're a fancy girl. You're very fancy. That's so beautiful. What gets you hard, lover?
What gets me hard? Usually, you know, masturbation or a woman--having some kind of sexual contact with a woman. I mean, this isn't rocket science.
You love rockets, right?
Who me?
Yeah.
I do like rockets.
[thrusting] Like a big Mars lunar lander? Is that what you want?
I would like to go to outer space.
You want to go to Uranus.
I wouldn't mind going to Uranus.
You wanna go to my anus?
No, I didn't say that--I said Uranus, which is a planet.
If I have to, you know, pull my pants down and smear anchovy paste in my ass to give this guy a boner, I'm willing to do this because I'm going to fucking win.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Kenny vs. Spenny pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.