Kevin(enters) Hey, Nick. What's up?
Here. Cookies. Eat.. (puts the fifth tray of cookies on the counter for Kevin to enjoy)
Kevin
Wow, what a strange turn of events. I thought you weren't making me anymore cookies.
I know, right? But I woke up this morning with this urgent need and I've been baking you cookies all day. It's like I had this little voice in my head saying "cookies-- lots of them-- for me." I mean you. (chuckles)
Kevin
Right. So you're saying all these are for me?
Oh and these. (takes a gift basket of cookies from the cabinet) Don't eat 'em all at once. (gives the basket to Kevin)
Kevin
I love you, man! (takes the basket) (moans) (puts the basket on the counter and takes two cookies from it then asks Nick) Okay, can you put one in my mouth. I only have two hands.
No. (Kevin takes a bite of one of the cookies that he is holding)
(slides down his pole) Okay, Van Dyke picked Stella up at 7:00. They go to a restaurant, they have dinner, he takes her home. But I just called her house and she's not there. How come?
Maybe because it's only 7:15.
Kevin
Joe, you just need to calm down. Let's all sit down and have a cookie, but not these cookies! These are mine!
Joe, I don't get it. You're the one who made Stella go on a date with Van Dyke.
I didn't make her go. I said, "you can go if you want to."
I didn't want her to! Especially if she was gonna be there for 16 minutes! (checks Kevin's watch)
Kevin
Joe, come to big brother Kevin for some more brotherly advice.
I'm not going back in there. I'm just gonna call her on her cell.
Kevin
(takes Joe's phone from him) You are not calling Stella on her cell phone. (puts Joe's phone the counter)
Okay. I'll call the restaurant. (sees the phone and picks it up then dials the number)
Don't make me sticker your mouth again.
Hello-- (Nick takes the phone from Joe and throws it) (glass shatters) (cat howls) Then I'll go to El Meat. (Kevin and Nick prevent him from leaving the house)
Kevin
Whoa! We cannot let you do that. If you go, Stella will hate you forever.
Brothers don't let brothers make fools of themselves. Kevin, I'm sorry, I've let you down for so many years.
You guys are right. You know, I'm just gonna take a walk, (takes his jacket) get some fresh air.
Sounds good. (walks away)
Kevin, can I have the car keys please?
Kevin
Yeah, man, here you go. (tosses the keys to Joe) (Joe leaves with the keys)
(caught the keys) Thank you. (leaves with the keys and jacket)
Kevin, what are you doing?
Kevin
Oh! I know what you're thinking. I'm sure he's just taking the car for a drive so he can find a really nice place to go on a walk. It's all good.
Kevin
And-- oh! Come on! Uh-unh! What you got? Yes, I block it! (grunting) And, he scores! Yes! Take that, Kevin! (hooting)
(enters and sees the empty trays and basket) Hey, Kev.
Kevin
Hey!
Kevin
Pretty good. I'm winning 273 to 194. (crowd cheering) And now i'm losing 194 to 273. (whimpers) (crowd booing)
Looks like you're having a great time.
Kevin
(panting) Actually, it looks that way, doesn't it? But actually, I'm having a terrible time! I can't stop. Why can't I stop? Oh look! Cardio! That'll help. Why can't I stop, Nick? Why can't I stop? Oh look, the guitar! Hey, Nick, I wrote a new slow song. You want to hear it? Okay! (plays fast rock music) What do you think? Yeah, it's a little boring in the middle. I don't know what I'm doing!
It's all those cookies that I made you. You're having a sugar rush. (Kevin gives Nick the guitar) (Nick puts the guitar down)
Kevin
It's not your fault! I have a confession to make. Last night, when you were sleeping, I hypnotized you so you would make me more of your cookies that little voice inside your head-- that was me!
Kevin
What?!
I have a confession to make. I was actually awake. I made all those cookies on purpose to try and teach you a lesson.
Kevin
And that lesson being?
That you have no self-control. And once you've learned that lesson, you can take a few in knitting because that thing is way long.
Kevin
Well, how can I make it stop?
Don't worry about that, you'll crash soon enough.
Kevin
I don't know if I will, Nick. (walks to the recliner and Nick takes the blanket off it)I think I can do this for days. It's like I'll never stop. (snoring)
(storming upstairs) I'll tell this much, I'm never speaking to that girl again. If she thinks she can tell me what to do--
I'm coming! (slides down his pole)
(puts blanket on Kevin) Good night, cookie.
Kevin
(wakes up then goes back to sleep) Cookie!
(enters the house) Don't give me "what up" all innocent like you don't know what up. I don't know how someone can be so conceited and selfish and just-- just thoughtless.
Yeah, well, you are stuck-up, pretentious and totally gorgeous.
I-- I meant adorable, so adorable, you make me sick.
Oh, I'm sorry. If I'm so sickeningly adorable, then why did you come to the restaurant tonight?
Why did you go out with Van Dyke?
Because he asked me! Isn't that how it works, Joe? A guy asks out a girl because he likes he?
What about a guy not asking a girl because he likes her, huh? Have you ever thought about that?
I didn't want to wreck everything, you and me don't have together.
That makes absolutely no sense!
Yeah? Well, sometimes, things don't make sense. (going to kiss Stella)
Okay, like-- Oh. Um, I see your point. And I shall see you tomorrow. (accidently takes the watermelon rather than her purse) This is not my purse. (she leaves the watermelon at the house and takes her purse with her then leaves) (Joe falls down)
Kevin
(screams) Get them away from me!
Good boy. (Joe and Stella walk to Kevin and Nick) You two seem to be friends again.
We never stopped being friends. (takes the guitar off)
Oh no, we just agreed to forget everything that happened last night.
Definitely. The whole thing was ridiculous and best forgotten.
I don't even know what we're talking about.
Kevin
Sweet, so everything's back to normal?
Totally normal. (school bell rings)
Great. (she kisses Joe then they take each other's belonging by mistake and they leave opposite directions but they return their belongings back to each other) (Stella and Joe murmur)
Kevin
Did we miss something?
Kevin
(panting) It's not your fault! I have a confession to make. Last night, when you were sleeping, I hypnotized you so you would make me more of your cookies that little voice inside your head-- that was me!
Kevin
What?!
I'm sorry. (Kevin laughs, groans) (crew laughing)
M1Man 1#
Okay, here we go.
M2Man 2#
Still rolling. (Kevin and Nick leave)
I'm watching you. You two seem to be friends again.
Yeah, we-- (stammers) (crew laughing) (Stella waves at the camera)
I would like to go home now, Van Dyke, please. Oh! Oh! (squealing)
Of course, Stella, I'll call my mom. (mimics zapping noises) (he pretends to be shocked) (all laughing)
Kevin
Guys! (runs towards to Nick and Joe) (bumps into Joe)
Kevin
Sorry, guys. Hey, I just got a text from Anya saying that she is going to be coming to our school to be an exchange student. You know-- Anya, the president of our Scandinavian fan club Anya?
Kevin
The really strong, the really blonde that I can't stop thinking about. (sighs) (a thought bubble of Anya appears) (pops)
Kevin
Yeah.
You two were really crushing on each other when we toured Scandinavia.
Kevin Well, all the long walks, the dancing, the romantic dinners, the regular dinners-- it really was the best 2 1/2 days of my young life.
Remember how bummed you were when the tour ended? And you thought your heart never be...(pulls out pen and paper) mended? (starts to write)
Kevin
That rhymed! Wait a second, do you really care or are you just writing a new song?
I care. (continues to write)
Kevin
What are you writing?
Do you wanna go on tour again, or not?
So she's coming all the way to America to go to this school?
Kevin
And to see me. (Anya appears)
Kevin
Anya! (romantic music playing) (he and Anya run to each other) (Anya lifts Kevin off the floor then they dance)
Kevin had, like, three milkshakes for lunch, so… I think we should get out of here before he blows.
Yeah. (agrees then leaves with Nick)
Kevin
I really think you're going to like the atrium. It's like having the outside on the inside.
An outside inside outside-- you're right, I love it.
Kevin
(laughs) Oh good. (Nick, Joe and Stella are going to spy on Kevin and Anya)
Oh, look at Kevin. He must be freezing. I mean, his lips are turning blue.
That always happens when he likes a girl.
Kevin
You know, I've really missed you, since we ended our tour in Scandinavia.
Me too. Do you know what else I've missed since Scandinavia? (takes a cd player from her bag)
Kevin
No!
KAKevin and Anya
(unison) Our song! (pop music playing) (they started dancing)
She dances just like my grandma. Well, back, when she had her own hips.
Quick, everybody look serious in a different direction.
She dances just like my grandma. Well, back when she had her own hips. (Nick stops watching Kevin and Anya dancing then turns around to see other students laughing) (Nick stands up and he walks to Joe and Stella then Nick grabs their arms)
No one would dance with me like this back at home. They think I'm different.
Kevin
You know, me too. You know, we have a winter wonderland dance coming up.
(stops dancing and turns around to notice that the other students are laughing) (stops the boombox) (the students are still laughing) I made you a present.
Kevin
Really?
Uh-huh. (takes a snow globe from her bag and gives it to Kevin)
Kevin
It's an outside on the inside.
In an outside inside outside.
Kevin
You know, I'm happy on the inside and outside. (ballad music playing)
Kevin
See? You know, I feel like we're really alike, except you have blonde hair and I have brown hair. (Anya picks up her bag)
And I'm wearing a dress and you're wearing pants.
Kevin
And your name's Anya and my name's Kevin. (school bell ringing) School. (opens the door for him and Anya)
(enters the house with Anya's message to Kevin) Delivery for Kevin! (Nick, Joe and Kevin walk to the table) From a little lady called Anya. Ta-dah! (Tom puts Anya's message to Kevin on the table)
Kevin
"Dance will the to me you with go"!
I think she speaks in broken cookie.
Kevin
"Will you to the dance go with me"!
Hey, Anya's asking you to the dance. Wait-- you know what? Do you mind? This one's got "me" written all over it. (reached for a cookie and takes it) (laughs)
Kevin
I think I'm gonna bake her three cakes that spell "yes." You know, Anya's the first girl that I've met that really gets me.
Well, we've met a lot of girls. It was bound to happen.
Kevin
Sometimes it's hard being the different one. But with Anya, we're both the different one, so we're the same... in that we're different from all the others that are the same.
That's-- that's good. Good.
Kevin
You didn't get it, did you?
Kevin
You know what else I like about her? She speaks her mind. When she's mad, she says so. Happy, says so. Hungry, says so. Tired, says so. Sad, says so. Gassy... says so. Doesn't feel like talking, she says so. (notices Joe and Nick are sleeping on the table then joins them)
We gotta find out who's been sneaking those photos of us from inside this house.
Look at him! Sitting there all innocent and dad.
Terrific. I just cut the band a monster deal that is bigger--
Yeah yeah yeah, it's great. (he turns off the lights) (he and Nick walk to towards Tom then Joe and Nick take their beverages off the counter) (Joe wears his sunglasses while Where were you between the hours of 8:00 and 11:00 Saturday morning?
Well, at Frankie's soccer game.
Prove it. (picks up his beverage and drinks it)
He's right. We were there. I remember that now.
So unless you fellas are willing to charge me, I do have an appointment in the world of normal. (walks to the light switch to turn it on) (chuckles)
Don't leave town. (guitar riff playing) Hey-yyyy!
Okay. (walks away) (Nick puts his beverage on the counter)
What are you doing? (sunglasses crunch) (trash can rattles) (Nick takes Joe's glasses off then breaks it in half to throw it away but Joe has another pair) (guitar riff playing) Hey-yyyy! (Kevin walks into the house after Anya ended their relationship)
Kevin
Not good. I can't figure out what went wrong with me and Anya.
Joe Well, you guys are going out and then she broke up with you.
Kevin
But why? Why?! Why? Why? Everything was going so good back in Scandinavia.
Maybe you should go back to Anya's country.
Kevin
No, I'd miss you guys too much.
We'd miss you too. (Kevin fist bumps Joe and Nick)
Kevin
Wait a minute! If I could make it so being here, reminds her of home, maybe she'll remember how happy we were there.
Maybe you should study up on Scandinavia and do whatever you can to make her feel at home.
Kevin
If I bring Norway her way, maybe she won’t go away. (Joe and Nick look at each other then they clap their hands) Thanks.
The world's largest population of reindeer can be found in...?
Kevin
Scandinavia!
Yes! Okay. The reindeer crossing sign is the most popular souvenir in...?
Kevin
Scandinavia.
What region starts with "sc" and ends with "andinavia"?
Kevin
Is this a trick question?
Kevin
Scandinavia?
How can Anya not be impressed?
Kevin
Hey, Joe, come here, try this. (pours lutefisk into a cup)
Okay, fine. I'm so proud of you. (takes the cup of lutefisk from Kevin)
Kevin
Thanks, man.
Is that what I think it is? (points to the lutefisk pudding that Kevin poured into the cup)
Kevin
Yeah, lutefisk pudding.
Ewwww! (spits into the sink and Nick covers his mouth) (Joe scrubs his tongue with the brush) Why did you do that?
Kevin
I didn't really know how to make it so I just put some fish in a blender and chopped, serrated, diced.
(scrubs tongue with the brush) Why would you do that?!!
Kevin
Too many scales?
When you're on a date, it's always nice to start with a compliment. For example, I might say to you, you have a wonderful smile.
Thank you! I have six teeth too many.
Oh. Good, thanks. Now you go. Go ahead, compliment me.
Uh... huh-uh. You have very big hands for such a small girl.
Oh yeah? They found sharks with less teeth than you. I mean... I think you're really starting to get it. Let's move on. Kevin? (he turns around) Aha... um, whoa, hey. I was gonna say I had a surprise for you but I think you beat me to it.
Kevin
Have you seen Anya?
As a matter of fact... I have. I turned her into an American girlfriend for you.
Hey, Kev. What's up bro-ham?
Whoa whoa whoa. Um, we didn't rehearse that greeting. Uh, what's with the fake dog?
I'm totally allergic to real dogs, but I totally wasn't going to let that stop me from having the totally perfect American girl accessory.
What about all the stuff we worked on?
Oh, I found much better stuff in this magazine.
Kevin
Anya, what happened to you?
Oh, my name's not Anya anymore. It's Kimmy. I changed it. With a little, you know, heart over the "i." (clears throat) Why are you dressed like that?
Kevin
I wanted to make you feel at home.
Okay, like my grandpa's home.
Kevin
(titters) Anya?
Kevin
Right, Kimmy. Um... I think I liked the old you better.
Oh, well, I'm still old me but the new me just looks fantastic in this outfit. Right, Bootsy? Yes! Bye. (leaves with her magazine and stuffed dog)
Kevin
You broke Anya. (he gives the thermos to Stella then he leaves)
Poor Kev. Losing Anya must really hurt.
I feel terrible. Even this ice cream is lousy.
Kevin
That's because it's the leftover lutefisk I put in the freezer. (Joe stops eating to put the spoon back into the bowl and pulls out a lutefisk from the bowl then drop the lutefisk) (car zooms)
Kev, Stella feels really bad. She was just trying to help Anya become a good girlfriend. The whole fake-dog-diva thing is Anya's deal.
Kevin
Guys, relax, trust me. I am so happy I found out who the true Anya sooner rather than later. Can you see me with Kimmy with the heart over the "i"?
Hey, guys, look who's staying with me for the week. (Samantha waves at Kevin, Joe and Nick) This is Samantha Saint Jean, the president of your French fan club.
Kevin
(French accent) Bonjour, Samantha. I love your fries.
Samantha is here for the international mime festival.
Kevin
No way! I love to mime! Especially over here in my invisible box. (miming in the unseen box then Samantha opens the door and enter the box then she closes it and miming with Kevin)
I am not staying here for this. (takes his jacket)
Yeah, let's go get some very visible food. (leaves with Nick)
Really? So we’re just gonna leave ‘em in there? Guys! (walks after Stella and Nick)
(stands on his bed then he walks on the amps and jumps on his bed but one of his shoes) Check this out. (glass shatters) (cat screeches) )British siren blaring) (tires screech) (cow moos) (bagpipes playing)
What's going up here? Joe, did you just break a window with a shoe? That then hit a cat, causing a British ambulance to crash? Which then scared a cow, who sat on a fat guy playing bagpipes?
No, that was my ringtone. Hello? It's for you. (gives his cell phone to Nick)
Hello? Yeah, hold on. It's for you. (gives Joe's cell phone to Kevin)
Kevin
(takes Joe's from Nick) Hello? Yeah, oh yeah, he's right here. Hold on. Hey, dad, it's for you. (Joe looks at Kevin and Nick then looks at Tom)
Hello? Oh hey, what's going on?
Is there someone on the phone?
I don't know. You tell me, shoeless Joe. (Joe looks at his sock then Kevin and Nick look at Joe)
I'll pay for the window. (Kevin and Nick take their guitar off) (Kevin, Joe and Nick are going to their poles)
Oh, hey, Joe your phone. (toss Joe's phone to him)
(Grabs his phone, but ends up falling down the fire pole opening) (yells, thuds) Ahh!
Kevin
(Looks down the fire pole with Nick) He’s good.
(groans) Kevin, it's been 10 minutes. Will you please just go?
Just so you know, no matter how long you stare at those letters, they're not gonna change.
Kevin
Then how did my "q" just become an "o"?
Because I gave that to you.
(walks downstairs and asks Joe) What are you guys playing?
"Word Hole" It's that Belgian board game that we did the commercial for. (Nick takes the top of the box then he remembers the commercial that he, Joe and Kevin did) (announcer speaks German) (Kevin, Nick and Joe are speaking German) Word hole!
Kevin
Too late, 'cause I have a seven letter word and I win!
Plobnrg? That's not a word.
Kevin
Sure it is. Hi, I'm Kevin
Kevin
"Plobnrg" means "awesome". "Like, hi, I'm Kevin. I just won the board game. I'm so plobnrg".
Guys, the band just got an exciting offer. It's totally plobnrg. How would you boys like to be the judges at the miss most amazing teen
Kevin
Awesome.
That'd be so cool. (Stella gives a look to Kevin, Joe and Nick)
Actually, we find those contests to be just glorified beauty pageants, right gentlemen?
Kevin
And superficial and demeaning.
And it sends a bad message to those hotties-- young women.
Yeah, and I guess I'd agree with all that junk you guys just said.
Guys, spare me. Beauty contests are the only outlet for those poor pathetic pageant girls whose sole talent is walking in a straight line
All right, well, I mean, in that case...
Kevin
I'm in.
Let's do it for the hotties.
Kevin
Let's do it.
(clears throat) Good... to go.
So those must be the girls...
Where? Oh, there. I didn't notice. Whoa.
MMaggie
Oh! Hello, gentlemen. (greets Kevin, Joe and Nick) I'm pageant director Maggie Belle Seward. Welcome to the kream-o dog food superdome, home to this year's miss most amazing teen competition. Yes! (Kevin claps) (she laughs) Saturday night, this is where you will be sitting and judging. (watch
Kevin
She is great!
Wow. Look at all these girls. They're so good looking.
Joe, they got a lot more going for them than their looks, all right? They're poised, intelligent.
Look at her. She's really intelligent.
Kevin
Which one? I think they're all geniouses.
I think we should probably go introduce ourselves. I'll start.
We are the judges. We have to be impartial. In fact, we should have no communication with any of those girls whatsoever.
Kevin
I totally agree.
(sees that Joe isn't with Kevin and Nick) Where's Joe? (Kevin looks left and right but Joe isn't next to him)
As a judge, it's my duty to remain impartial, (whispers) but I'm definitely voting for you. Next! Hi. As a judge, it's my duty to remain
No, you're not. (he and Kevin take Joe away from the stage while Kevin shakes his head) Joe, you can't keep promising every girl you're gonna vote for her.
Where's Kevin? (sees that Kevin isn't with Joe and Nick)
Kevin
(he is doing the same thing like Joe did earlier) As a judge, I have to be impartial, (whispers) but I'm voting for you. Shh, don't tell anybody-- those girls. (Joe and Nick take him away from the stage)
Jonas · 237 quotes
