Grandpa Piggley Winks quotes from Jakers! The Adventures of Piggley Winks

Piggley

Jakers. The place is packed. Everyone in the whole town is here.

Dannan

Of course they are. You told them to come, didn't you?

Piggley

I know, but...

Ferny

But? But? But what?

Piggley

Well, uh... What if we're not as good as Cluck Cockwren? What if we're not any good at all?

Ferny

Oh... But you said we were, Piggley. You told everyone.

Dannan

Oh... You better not have been messing with us, Piggley. It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were bad after all the fuss you made.

Piggley

Well, now... I think we're good. But you know... I'm not sure we're as good as Cluck.

Dannan

Oh, dear...

Ferny

Oh, Janey Mack...

Grandpa Piggley

I tell you, I'd never seen anything like it. All that oats made that old donkey run faster than any racehorse I'd ever seen before, or ever seen since. Like the lightning, he was! In fact, faster than lightning!

Grandpa!

Grandpa Piggley

Okay. Maybe not as fast as all of that.

Grandpa Piggley

We've been visited by a fir darrig.

Sean

Far jarry?

Seamus

Far jagger?

Grandpa Piggley

Fir. Darrig. Are you lads ever going to learn to speak the language?

Piggley

He's about the size of a leprechaun. With a tail.

Dannan

And he has whiskers.

Piggley

And... huge flappy ears.

Dannan

And little beady eyes. [points to Wiley] Like him!

Wiley

Me?

Dannan

And a snout like you wouldn't believe.

Piggley

And broad shoulders!

Dannan

And teeny-tiny little feet.

Wiley

Delicate. Not tiny. Delicate.

Dannan

Oh, now you've done it!

Piggley

Me?!

Dannan

You shouldn't have pulled so hard!

Piggley

It was Ferny who put his weight into it!

Ferny

Oh, but Dannan threw it off balance!

Dannan

Oh no, I did not!

Ferny

You did so!

Dannan

Did not!

Piggley

Did so!

Ferny

You were the one in front!

Piggley

I was barely touching it!

Dannan

You were stepping on my toes!

Piggley

You know, we didn't actually see the window break, did we?

Dannan

Trust me, Piggley. That's a BROKEN window.

Padrig

Now, see here, you ruffians! How dare you break a window, then blame a poor innocent fir darrig for your own mischief! For shame! Shame, I say! [Piggley, Ferny, and Dannan beg] A lifetime of peelin' potatoes is too good for the likes of you!

Piggley

Keep it up, Dad. [he, Ferny, and Dannan go back to begging]

Padrig

It's cleaning the barn for you, top to bottom, spic and span! And none of ya will see the light of day until the barn is as clean as a whistle!

Ferny

Please, sir! Anything but that!

Padrig

It's no use begging for mercy! Me mind's made up!

Ferny

Oh, this is a powerful big job.

Dannan

Well, it's a powerful big apology we've got to be giving to the fir darrig.

Ferny

You know, come to think of it, I never did see that fir darrig.

Dannan

You're right! We never did! Why, how do we know that there ever was one, and if he was ever truly mad at us?

Ferny

Oh, Janey Mack! And we gave ourselves all this extra work!

Piggley

Maybe you're right, lads. But then again... maybe not.

Ferny

I don't want to be a prisoner. Besides, in the story, Queen Maeve was the enemy of Cú Chulainn. You should be taking her prisoner, not me.

Dannan

[laughs] This is our legend, prisoner! And in our story, all the Irish are on the same side.

Piggley

You see, Ferny. It's like when martians invade in movies. You're the invader, and we're protecting Ireland.

Ferny

[sadly] Oh.

Dannan

And now, baddie, you're our prisoner!

Ferny

Not anymore, I'm not! [throws down his bucket helmet and runs away] Now I'm an escaped prisoner!

Piggley

[laughs] That's good, Ferny!

Dannan

We can't let the prisoner escape, Cú Chulainn!

Piggley

Go on, Ferny! You're gonna have to run faster than that so we can chase ya!

Dannan

And capture you again!

Ferny

I don't want to run faster, and I don't want to be captured again, and I don't want to play anymore!

Dannan

So, you're in the spooky storytellers club without me, are you? And I can't be in the club because I'm a girl, am I? And girls are scared of ghosts and things, are they?! YOU BOTH KNOW QUITE WELL THAT I'M NOT AFRAID OF GHOSTS, OR MONSTERS, OR SPOOKY STORIES!!!

Ferny

Uh, Piggley? I think she's mad.

Piggley

Uh, Dannan... We know you're not scared of those things, and you're great at telling spooky stories, but Hector says--

Dannan

HECTOR?! ...Well now, if Hector says it, it must be true. Scary stories told by brave boys like yourself just might be too much for a delicate thing like me.

Ferny

Really?

Piggley

Oh. You're not mad, then?

Dannan

Mad? Ha! Don't be silly. You boys go on ahead to your little storytelling club. Have a scary good time! I insist! Hee-hee! [steps out the barn] It's going to be a lot scarier than you think it'll be!

Okay, and then they heard this noise... Oh, wait. Did I say first it was a ghost ship? Okay, sorry. [laughs] It was a ghost ship. [honks] So, they heard this noise, and oh no, it's not a ghost ship! Okay, everybody, forget I said that! They hear the noise, and that's the ghost ship!

Piggley

Jakers. I'd love to hear Dannan tell this one.

Ferny

Oh, me too.

So, now the ghost ship, honk, comes up next to the other ship. Wait, wait just a second. And there are ghosts on it! Honk. On the ghost ship, that is, on the other ship, I'm not really sure, so we'll just pretend there's just like a giant squid.

Elly

Well, excuse me, boys, but I heard you were telling scary stories here. Would it be alright if I listened in?

Padrig

I know she's a girl, but I'm hoping you might make an exception for your own mother.

Hector

Well, uh... Being a mother isn't the same as being a girl.

Piggley

It's okay, Mammy. You can stay.

Elly

Oh, thank you, boys.

Piggley

Sir, Piggley Winks from the Tara School News here! Are you lost?

Eh, no, I...

Piggley

Have you been robbed?

No.

Piggley

Did your house burn down?

Oh, I hope not!

Piggley

Have you seen any good movies lately?

[frustrated] I... I'm just looking for me car!

Piggley

Aha! Your car has been stolen! Tell me, who do you think might have stolen it, then?

Well, it's not stolen! I just can't remember where I parked it. [laughs] There it is!

Dannan

Oh, it's too bad he found his car. That would've made a fine story.

Dannan

News isn't about pretending. It's about telling the truth.

Piggley

But we're not finding any interesting truth to tell.

Piggley

[making a sandwich his own way for Molly] Now, what do you say to that?

Molly

THAT'S NOT HOW MAMMY DOES IT!!!

Piggley

Of course not! Like I told you, it's a Piggley special.

Molly

I don't like the Piggley special sandwich! I like Mammy's sandwiches!

Piggley

Sure you haven't even tried it?

Molly

MAMMYYYYYY!!!