How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes

[Marshall has become fed up with Lily's father pushing them around in their own house]
Marshall: That's it, Mickey. Since you got here, you've been nothing but judgmental, pushy, and strangely obsessed with your adolescent sex life. Tomorrow morning, you're out of here.
Mickey Aldrin: Well, I'm just trying to help-
Marshall: We don't need your help!!!

[Marshall has given Barney a card where the gender of his and Lily's baby is written. Robin sees it too]
Marshall: [seeing them giggle] This may have been a mistake.
Barney: [looks at Marshall] I like babies!
Robin: Girl...friend, your hair looks fantastic!
Barney: Twins...was the feel-good movie of 1988.

[Marshall talks to Lily about selling the house she inherited from her grandparents]
Marshall: Baby, your grandparents gave you this house outright. The way I see it, we have five options: number one, sell it. Number two, year-round haunted house. Three, giant fence around the perimeter. Chimp sanctuary, there's a swing around the backyard. Four, we destroy it with sledgehammers. I like four.
Lily: Or five, we move in, raise our children, make this our family home.
Marshall: 'Till they graduate, and we destroy it with a family.

[Naomi, the Slutty Pumpkin, has mutually agreed with Ted to end their relationship]
Naomi: Ted, I've been looking for the hot Hanging Chad for the last nine Halloweens. I've waded through a parade of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters, Antoine Dodsons and the jackass who always dresses as laundry.
Ted: I hate that guy.
Naomi: That's why when I finally found you... it was hard to let go. Goodbye, Ted. [offers handshake, but Ted tries to hug her.] Let's not touch, ever.
Ted: Probably a good idea. [Naomi leaves]

[One of Robin's colleagues, Patrice, is getting mushy at Barney's displays of affection for Nora]
Patrice: [commenting on Barney serenading Nora with his When A Man Loves A Woman rendition] He's so dreamy..

[Robin has just brushed Ted off from spending Christmas with him, and goes for a walk]
Robin: So kids, I settled in for Christmas alone. I appreciated that Ted wanted to cheer me up, but honestly, it wasn't necessary. So I can't have kids. [scoffs] Big deal, this way, there's no one to hold me back in life, no one to keep me from traveling when I wanna travel, no one getting in the way of my career. If you wanna know the truth of it, I'm glad you guys aren't real. [Kids and couch fade away to snow] Real glad.

[Robin reflects on her 14th birthday gift, which turns out to be a long trek in the woods and she is being airdropped]
Robin: I wanna go home, daddy!
Robin Sr: [points out woods] That direction is nothing but wolves. Forty kilometers that way is a mining town called Smithers. I'd rather take my chances with the wolves. [hands Robin a Swiss knife] I'll see you in three days.
Robin: But what am I supposed to eat?
Robin Sr: You got a knife! The forest is full of animals, what do you want, a buffet? [drops off Robin]
Robin: Papa!!!!!
Robin Sr: Happy Birthday, son!!

[Ted and Robin clash over the apartment Quinn is subletting, and Robin lays out the real reason why she wants it so bad]
Robin: Hasn't it ever occurred to you that the last few weeks haven't been easy for me either? In the span of one day, my engagement fell apart, I lost my best friend, then I lost my apartment, and now, I'm about to lose my job.
Ted: What do you mean?
Robin: I've been completely distracted at work, and now my boss wants to see me Friday at five o'clock, which in the office is known as "Fire o'clock."
Ted: I had no idea.
Robin: How could you? The one person I want to talk to most barely looks me in the eye anymore, much less returns my calls. Ted, I know it took guts to tell me you love me and I know how much it hurt that I didn't say it back, but ... damn it, this sucks for me too. I miss you. Is there any way we could just ... go back to normal?
Ted: I don't think I can do normal anymore.

[Ted and Robin talk about his confrontational skills]
Robin: I disagree. It's like Sun Tzu said, "Never give up. Never surrender."
Ted: That's Tim Allen from Galaxy Quest.

[Ted continues to see Robin in every person he encounters]
Ted: Why are you still here?
Robin: [as MacLaren's bartender] Why do you think I'm still here?
Ted: I guess because I'm in love with you. Why else would I be seeing your face everywhere I look?
Robin: [as old patron] Because you feel bad.
Ted: Of course I feel bad. I told you I still love you because apparently, that's the worst thing you can say to someone.
Robin: That's not why you feel bad. You feel bad because you let me go away. I know our relationship wasn't exactly what you wanted it to be, and I know I may not love you the way you love me, but I do love you. Isn't that worth hanging on to?
Ted: [pause] I miss you.
Robin: [as model in Wharmpess Gold beer] So go get me back.

[Ted drives with Victoria riding shotgun]
Victoria: Where shall we go? Your place? My place? We could go on my honeymoon. [laughs] Just kidding...although it is paid for.
Ted: I know where we should go.
Victoria: Where?
Ted: Your wedding. I'm taking you back.
Victoria: I don't understand. I thought you wanted this.
Ted: I do want this. I've thought about you so many times, what might have been...but I got left at the altar and it nearly killed me. You're someone's fiancee, and I have to respect that. So let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding. It's the right thing to do.
Victoria: Some part of me needed to hear you say that running away together wasn't an option, and now that I know that, it's like I'm sobering up. Is there any way we can pretend that this never happened?
Ted: [softly] This never happened.
Season 8

[Ted is fed up with Barney's proposals for Legendary nights and demands why he wants it so bad]
Barney: Because...I'm dating a stripper.
Ted': Yeah, I've seen the bus ad. I get it.
Barney: No you don't. Every night, between 9pm and 4am, I'm in Hell. All I can think about is what Quinn is doing, and where she is doing it, and who she is doing it on. If I don't do something to take my mind off of it... You're lucky that you could just go sit around the house, Ted. I don't have that option.
Ted': Wow, you're in love with this girl -
Barney: I really am, Ted. I mean...she's a stripper.

[Ted is undecided on his Architect's Ball date]
Ted: I can't decide. They're both awesome.
Robin: If only architects had two balls, right, Ted?
[Ted looks at Robin, disgusted]
Lily: I got this. Ted, [extends fists] left or right?
Ted: Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh? [speaks while alternating fists] I will pick left. [Lily slaps him]
Lily: Just call one of 'em!

[Ted tries to convince the gang to leave New York ahead of Hurricane Irene]
Ted: Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always...
Robin: Unpopular.
Lily: Beaten up.
Barney: Going to movies with his mom.
Ted: A Boy Scout is always prepared.
Robin: Prepared to spend lunch in his locker.
Marshall: Prepared to die a virgin.
Barney: Prepared to paint his sister's nails..
Ted: Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression...
Robin: You're a tropical depression.

[Ted, Robin, Barney, and Kevin just escaped a poker game with some Russians]
Better Lily: We go to party at slaughterhouse. You come?
Robin: [thought] Please God, no!
Barney: [thought] Don't let me be in charge of the gang anymore.
New Marshall: [thought] I can't believe that Kevin doesn't remember me from our sessions three years ago.
Kevin: [thought] Is that the lunatic who stabbed all those prison guards?