[to Ted] Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma Girl free-for-all. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. WHAT IN THE WORLD IS UP! [Hand up in the air waiting for a high-five from Ted]
S5 E16Hooked
Dude, I'm a girl, OK? Our girl parts are like a spider web; sometimes you're gonna catch stuff you don't want!
S5 E17Of Course
[About something the happened the previous night] I couldn't be more unhappy! I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's-it's called manners!
[Barney visits Robin at the shooting range after Lily reveals to him Robin's post-breakup depression]
Hey.
[sees Barney and takes off earplugs, still sad] What's up? Thought you were going on some big date.
Robin, I know you're upset.
What? No, I have I've never been happier, and this Anita sounds lovely. I'm so glad that the two of you just randomly happened to find each other. [angry tone] It just warms my frickin' heart! [returns to pistol and fires again without earplugs, deafening Barney. Robin throws away pistol when she's out of rounds and catches breath]
So you're not upset?
Of course, I'm upset, Barney. Don't you see how constantly talking about your conquests makes me feel like I'm just another number to you?
But you're not just another number to me.
And now, you're taking Anita, who you barely know, on this amazing date, when I never got treated that way. It just, it just sucks, that's all, it just sucks. [pause]
Wow, I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend, but I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?
Nothing, Barney. You've already proven I'm not important.
Stop that, I'm serious. Ask me for anything.
Ok, don't sleep with Anita.
Done.
Barney, of course you're going to sleep with her. Why else would you be taking her on this superdate?
She's not going on this superdate, Robin. You are.
S5 E18Say Cheese
[Barney brags about his usual picture pose]
I always look drop dead, stone-cold amazing...unlike Marshall, who just looks dead, stoned, and cold.
[Marshall is livid that Amanda wrote Lily's age and name wrong in her birthday cake]
42nd? Does this [gestures to Lily] hot piece of ass look 42 to you? Or does she look like her name is Lori?
No Marshall, it's okay.
No Lily it's not okay! Ted, get this stranger out of my house.
AAmanda
I'm so sorry..
OUT!! [points thumb at door]
S5 E19Zoo or False
[Barney defines lie]
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
[knock at the door]
Oh, that's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash?
Oh, you know I, uh, actually I don't, uh, think that I should...have to pay. 'Cause I'm...not a fan of pizza.
[Stunned gasps]
What?!?
Marshall, we've driven halfway across the country for a piece of pizza literally hundreds of times.
I once caught you eating pizza in the shower!
APArthur The Pizza Guy
Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.
I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says 'Marshall you've gotta stop eating pizza.' Marshall says 'Why?' Doc says 'So I can examine you!' But seriously, we kid because we love.
All right, look, the reason that I don't have any money on me is because...I got mugged. [long pause] Can somebody please pay Arthur, all right? I'm starving!! [to Arthur, kindly] How's your dad by the way?
AArthur
Better.
Good!
S5 E20Home Wreckers
[Ted's mother and her boyfriend, Clint, visits the apartment, but Clint couldn't stop praising Virginia]
CClint
Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.
Please don't.
[Ted chances upon Marshall grilling sausages in the decrepit house he just bought]
How'd you know I was going to be up here?
Robin told me. [gives Ted a beer] Happy housewarming.
But the last time I saw you, I told you I was selling the place.
I know what you said, but [walks with Ted to steps of patio] I also know my friend, Ted Mosby. [they sit] Of all the times I told you, "slow down, don't go too fast into things with this girl," you never even listened to me a single damned time. Your heart is both drunk and a kid.
Thanks for sticking out to me, man.
That's what I'd do.
Can I show you some of the ideas that I have?
Yeah. [they stand up and head back to house, where Ted begins to explain everything]
FTFuture Ted
And kids, Marshall was right. I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely. Because kids, as you know, that house...(the holes in the wall are fixed and bits and pieces of furniture appear, ending with the Son and Daughter sitting on a couch)...is this house.
S5 E21Twin Beds
Robin Stinson.
Robin Mosby.
Robin Stinson.
Ted Scherbatsky! I'll take her name, I don't care!
Okay wait. How about this we share her. I'll take her until she's forty and you can have her after that
Who are we kidding. She's with Don now. We just have to accept that and move on
You're right. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and then skid out.
S5 E22Robots Versus Wrestlers
It's robots versus wrestlers!
JVJefferson van Smooth
Young man, that gong is a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!
His wife's a 500-year-old relic that hasn't been struck since W. S. Gilbert hit it at the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885!
S5 E23The Wedding Bride
[At the Wedding Bride's wedding scene, a kid kicks Jed Mosely]
KKid
Take that, Ted Mosby!
Okay, he definitely said it that time.
[Ted is declaring himself to Royce in a movie theater, Barney is in the audience]
Aww go on honey - kiss him! [audience gasps, Ted stares at him]
FTFuture Ted
Ummm, Uncle Barney didn't say kiss.
[chanting] Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!
FTFuture Ted
Still not saying 'kiss'.
UUsher
Sir, you need to leave. Now!!
This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.