How I Met Your Mother · Season 5
[Ted talks about how to move on after a break-up]
Others draw themselves into...
Every woman in New York City. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCAs.
MILSWANCAs?
Wait, I can get this... Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again!
Correct! Circle gets the square!
[The gang reads the SNASA con]
Wow, you're an astronaut?
[hushes woman] I'm actually in a top-secret government space program, called Secret NASA, or...SNASA.
Wow, SNASA.
Ah hmm..
Do you go to the Moon and stuff?
Well, not the moon you're familiar with, though I've been to the... Smoon.
Wow... The Smoon!
[Cuts back to the gang]
If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry, but you're a smoron.
[Ted and Robin just recovered Marshall's special turkey and he hugs them.]
Guys, I don't know what to say, I mean it's Thanksgiving, but thanks just doesn't seem like its enough.
Come on buddy, you would have done the same thing for us.
Yeah, I would and you know why? 'Cause I love you guys and I'm gonna show you just how much: Ted Mosby, Robin Scherbatsky, I bequeath unto you...the Fourth Slap. [Ted and Robin are shocked]
[Marshall and Lily talk about her father's presence at Thanksgiving]
[after recounting all the times she flashed the "You're Dead To Me" look at anybody] I supported you with all those random people, but this is your father, Lily. Can't we at least, give him some turkey?
No.
Come on Lily, please. I can't ask the guy to leave on Thanksgiving.
Oh, you don't have to ask. Just tell him it's really important for him to be here, and before you know it, he'll be at the Board Game Convention in Toledo giving your braces money to some guy claiming to be Milton Bradley.
He was just out trying to provide for the family.
No, no, that's what my mom did by working two jobs. Marshall, that man broke my heart every single day for 20 years.
Well, let's just give him some dark meat.
[Ted receives a call]
Hello?
Hello? Ted Mosby?
Yes.
The window is open.
[pause] What?
The Window...is open!
[hangs up and looks to Marshall] The window is open.
What are you waiting for?
I...I...
Run, Ted! RUN!! [Ted runs out of the apartment]
[to Lily on the sidewalk] Lily, the window is open.
Make a hole, people! [gets baby cart of bystanders and pushes it forward, sending the bystanders to chase it] Run, Ted! RUN!!
[Ted is trying to end the class early so he could scramble back to MacLaren's for Maggie]
One very important thing to keep in mind when designing a bridge...[absentmindedly writes MAGGIE on the blackboard]
Maggie?
Oh no, I mean, yes, when designing a bridge, always remember [points to writing] Make Adjustments, Go Get It Energized. Good advice for life too.
[raises hand] So Professor Mosby, is this Maggie someone special?
No...she's this girl I've been into for a really long time so well, tonight could be the one chance I have to go out with her. [students raise hands and Ted chooses one]
Is she hottie?
Yes Jamie she's very attractive, we can just end this class right now and [Betty raises hand] Betty?
Maggie may finally be available, but what about you Professor Mosby, are you ready for a serious relationship?
Totally...I mean I think so, maybe, I don't know, what do you guys think? [students raise hands]
I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans -- sometimes those two overlap -- coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course -- wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have -- pregnancy scares.
Why are you smoking right now?
I'm always pre-coital, Ted.
[Ted just got a pretty girl away from being invited to a drinking party by three frat guys]
I swear, every week, I get invited by some frat guy to a kegger, and I say, "I'm a PhD candidate, and I'm writing a dissertation titled Foreign Direct Investment and Inter-generational Linkages in Consumption Behavior."
And what does frat guys say to that?
[drawls] 'That's hot.'
[laughs] ...Actually, that is kinda hot.
Ted, I have a confession - I recognize you. Do you remember your first class last semester? Econ 305.
Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story. I thought it was Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305. Of course, I didn't know that your mother was in that class...and she thought I was a complete idiot.
I thought you were a complete idiot - but a very cute idiot.
So um, do you ever date cute idiots?
Almost exclusively.
[Barney tries to hit on MacLaren's female bartender, Karina, as he sees her warmly receive other guys]
Hey.
[curtly] What do you want?
Drop the act, baby doll, daddy needs a- [realizes what she just said] Wait, whaaat?
Are you gonna order a drink, or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?
[caught off-guard] Um...
I don't know how to make an 'Um'. Is that equal parts vodka and get the hell out of my face? [cheerfully, at another guy] Hey, Bobby! What do you want?
[Jenkins tries to apologize to Marshall at the GNB board room]
There you are. I'm so sorry I kissed you yesterday.
That's OK.
And I'm sorry I had sex with you in the mailroom.
That wasn't me.
Oh, good grief, that's two awkward conversations I have to have today.
[Jenkins has just apologized to Lily at MacLaren's for kissing Marshall. Lily is gradually taking off her scarf and earrings.]
For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. [takes Lily's sudden punch and lies crumpled on the floor]
Kiss my husband? MY HUSBAND?!?! Nobody kisses my future baby daddy but me!!! [proceeds to pummel Jenkins while Marshall tries to get closer]
[trying to take picture of fight] Marshall, you're blocking the shot!
[Barney imagines being interviewed by Jim Nantz]
Hello friends, every sport has had an icon who transcends the game. Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with random hotties has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson. Barney, welcome.
[shakes hands] Thanks Jim, great to be back on the show.
Good to have you with us, and you know the stats that really speak for themselves - over 200 women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions, and not a single fatty. It's impressive. With all of these accomplishments though, there's one laurel that has eluded you...which brings us to last week. What's the story there?
Buckle up, Jimbo, this one's a doozie.
[Wendy the Waitress calls a take out order]
Take out order for Cook Pu. We have a Number Two over here for Cook Pu.
[stunned, to gang] You guys got Wendy saying it now? Come on, like, I get it, Cook Pu is a stupid name and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it. Cook Pu Cook Pu Cook Pu!
[embarassed] Here. [Ted looks at her as Wendy gives her her order]
[The gang teases Robin over Don]
[angry] No, I hate Don. I-I-I can't stop thinking about how much I hate him. It's like all the time. I just want to attack him and rip his stupid clothes off, and start spanking him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. Shut up! [walks to bar]
[Ted has just asked Marshall and Lily to set him up with a potential wife]
You want us to arrange your marriage?
Absolutely! Look, there are two sides to dating - picking and getting picked. Getting picked I'm good at. Ladies love Teddy Westside.
You're waiting for me to comment on your 'self-assigned nickname.' [Pause] Well here's my comment: I LOVE IT!
Really?
Teddy Westside? Continue!
It's the picking I suck at, I pick the wrong girls! But you guys are the best pickers I know. You picked each other!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
