How I Met Your Mother quotes

324 total quotes

[Barney tries to hit on MacLaren's female bartender, Karina, as he sees her warmly receive other guys]
Barney: Hey.
Karina: [curtly] What do you want?
Barney: Drop the act, baby doll, daddy needs a- [realizes what she just said] Wait, whaaat?
Karina: Are you gonna order a drink, or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?
Barney: [caught off-guard] Um...
Karina: I don't know how to make an 'Um'. Is that equal parts vodka and get the hell out of my face? [cheerfully, at another guy] Hey, Bobby! What do you want?

[Barney visits Robin at the shooting range after Lily reveals to him Robin's post-breakup depression]
Barney: Hey.
Robin: [sees Barney and takes off earplugs, still sad] What's up? Thought you were going on some big date.
Barney: Robin, I know you're upset.
Robin: What? No, I have I've never been happier, and this Anita sounds lovely. I'm so glad that the two of you just randomly happened to find each other. [angry tone] It just warms my frickin' heart! [returns to pistol and fires again without earplugs, deafening Barney. Robin throws away pistol when she's out of rounds and catches breath]
Barney: So you're not upset?
Robin: Of course, I'm upset, Barney. Don't you see how constantly talking about your conquests makes me feel like I'm just another number to you?
Barney: But you're not just another number to me.
Robin: And now, you're taking Anita, who you barely know, on this amazing date, when I never got treated that way. It just, it just sucks, that's all, it just sucks. [pause]
Barney: Wow, I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend, but I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?
Robin: Nothing, Barney. You've already proven I'm not important.
Barney: Stop that, I'm serious. Ask me for anything.
Robin: Ok, don't sleep with Anita.
Barney: Done.
Robin: Barney, of course you're going to sleep with her. Why else would you be taking her on this superdate?
Barney: She's not going on this superdate, Robin. You are.

[During Marshall's fantasy with Lily dying of a hiccup disorder]
Lily: It's time, baby.
Marshall: [crying] I will never love again!
Lily: No, Marshall, you must! And after an appropriate number of years you should find someone else - someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time and...plow her like a cornfield. [hiccups and dies; Marshall cries]
[at Lily's funeral]
Pastor: ...and so Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time, and plow her like a cornfield. [Ted, Robin, and Barney comfort Marshall, who's still crying]
[An appropriate number of years later, Marshall hears a knock at the door and opens it to reveal the delivery girl]
Busty Delivery Girl: Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall: [looks up at heaven] This is for you, Lil. [to Busty Delivery Girl while opening his shirt] Where do I sign? [necks her]

[During Ted's blind date with Jen, they talk about menu choices]
Jen: So, any thoughts on food?
Ted: Yeah. You want to share the oysters?
Jen: I'd love to share the oysters.
Ted: Good, 'cause if you don't that would be...mighty shellfish.
Jen: [shallow-faced] Wow, that's bad.
Ted: That's why it's funny. [long pause; Ted and Jen recognize each other]
Ted and Jen: We've been on this date before.

[Intro scene]
Future Ted: In the fall of 2009, a new couple moved in upstairs. We haven't met them yet, but we could hear them - all the time. Well they were always - well, let's just say, playing the bagpipes. [Ted is caught by surprise and Robin appears]
Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous, I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.
Ted: I know, it's been six hours. Must be that tantric bagpiping that Sting's into.
Robin: She's keeping on saying to play the bagpipes harder, but it sounds like he's bagpiping her pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park.
Ted: [to neighbors] You have neighbors. Shut the bagpipes up!

[Jenkins has just apologized to Lily at MacLaren's for kissing Marshall. Lily is gradually taking off her scarf and earrings.]
Jenkins: For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. [takes Lily's sudden punch and lies crumpled on the floor]
Lily: Kiss my husband? MY HUSBAND?!?! Nobody kisses my future baby daddy but me!!! [proceeds to pummel Jenkins while Marshall tries to get closer]
Barney: [trying to take picture of fight] Marshall, you're blocking the shot!

[Jenkins tries to apologize to Marshall at the GNB board room]
Jenkins: There you are. I'm so sorry I kissed you yesterday.
Marshall: That's OK.
Jenkins: And I'm sorry I had sex with you in the mailroom.
Marshall: That wasn't me.
Jenkins: Oh, good grief, that's two awkward conversations I have to have today.

[knock at the door]
Lily: Oh, that's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash?
Marshall: Oh, you know I, uh, actually I don't, uh, think that I should...have to pay. 'Cause I'm...not a fan of pizza.
[Stunned gasps]
Robin: What?!?
Ted: Marshall, we've driven halfway across the country for a piece of pizza literally hundreds of times.
Lily: I once caught you eating pizza in the shower!
Arthur The Pizza Guy: Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons.
Barney: I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says 'Marshall you've gotta stop eating pizza.' Marshall says 'Why?' Doc says 'So I can examine you!' But seriously, we kid because we love.
Marshall: All right, look, the reason that I don't have any money on me is because...I got mugged. [long pause] Can somebody please pay Arthur, all right? I'm starving!! [to Arthur, kindly] How's your dad by the way?
Arthur: Better.
Marshall: Good!

[Marshall and Lily imagine what if they told the gang about their plans for a baby]
Barney: [opens door] You guys bangin'?
Marshall and Lily: Whaaaaaa!
Barney: Just for the record, having a baby? Huge mistake. Now show me what you've got.
Ted: [enters with balloons] Uncle Teddy's here. [Marshall and Lily scream] Quick question. How are you guys going to handle the whole Santa thing? I'm thinking just be honest. Aw, Hell. I'll dress up. [TV turns on, showing Robin. Marshall and Lily scream again]
Robin: This just in... is what Marshall Eriksen is about to say to his wife as he attempts to impregnate her. Chopper 12 is live on the scene with Baby Watch 2010. [Gang sees live footage of helicopter just outside the room's window]

[Marshall and Lily talk about her father's presence at Thanksgiving]
Marshall: [after recounting all the times she flashed the "You're Dead To Me" look at anybody] I supported you with all those random people, but this is your father, Lily. Can't we at least, give him some turkey?
Lily: No.
Marshall: Come on Lily, please. I can't ask the guy to leave on Thanksgiving.
Lily: Oh, you don't have to ask. Just tell him it's really important for him to be here, and before you know it, he'll be at the Board Game Convention in Toledo giving your braces money to some guy claiming to be Milton Bradley.
Marshall: He was just out trying to provide for the family.
Lily: No, no, that's what my mom did by working two jobs. Marshall, that man broke my heart every single day for 20 years.
Marshall: Well, let's just give him some dark meat.

[Marshall is livid that Amanda wrote Lily's age and name wrong in her birthday cake]
Marshall: 42nd? Does this [gestures to Lily] hot piece of ass look 42 to you? Or does she look like her name is Lori?
Lily: No Marshall, it's okay.
Marshall: No Lily it's not okay! Ted, get this stranger out of my house.
Amanda: I'm so sorry..
Marshall: OUT!! [points thumb at door]

[Marshall just linked up with Ted and Barney at MacLaren's]
Ted: [to Marshall] Barney says Lily asking you to wash the dishes is a sign that your marriage is crumbling.
Marshall: What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink. I do the dishes right away, so what's the big deal?
Barney: I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I have always been best at being single?
Ted and Marshall: No.
Barney: Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.
Marshall: Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you could play with a big boys? Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your Mamma's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but...thanks for your concern, Rook.

[Robin goes to MacLaren's after crashing the Robin 101 class. Ted comforts her]
Ted: Look, all that stuff I told Barney, it was personal knowledge between you and me, and I'm sorry.
Robin: Guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.
Ted: It's funny...when you date someone, you're taking one long course on who that person is, and when you break up, all of that stuff is useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. I guess I just like the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know?
Robin: Since you know me pretty well, am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?
Ted: I don't know. I will say this though: I've seen Barney work hard to get women, and I've seen him work hard to get rid of women. I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. I was gonna give him an A...well, B plus - Shin-Ya kinda screwed up a curve.

[Robin is stunned that Don accepted a lead anchor job in Chicago - which she turned down earlier]
Don: Put yourself in my shoes. Can you imagine what it's like to have the phone ring and it's your dream job on the other end?
Robin: [teary-eyed] Yes... I can. Good luck in Chicago, Don. [leaves Don's apartment]
Season 6

[Robin laments the loss of her Canadian identity while in Toronto]
Robin: When I went to the States, I swore to myself I won't change. Yet here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe - Tim Hortons, just around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame...and I don't belong. It's like I don't have a country.
Barney: Ok, that's it. [stands up on top of chair] Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. [shows Canadian dollar bill] Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a [in French accent] joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.