How I Met Your Mother quotes

Ted

So I guess that decides it.

Marshall

Yep.

Barney

Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.

Ted

[Looks at Marshall's cup] Hey, what's that?

Marshall

What?

Ted

That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name! [in a sing-song voice] Somebody has a crush on you!

Barney

[in a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!

Marshall

Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes them on all the cups?

Ted

Mine says "Ted", no heart.

Barney

Mine says... "Swarley"... How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"?...[sees Marshall and Ted smile] Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley"... This would never happen at a bar! [leaves the coffee shop]

Ted

Man! What's up with Swarley?

Marshall

I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset.

Ted

Psssh.

SWARLEY!!! [Carl the bartender plays Where Everybody Knows Your Name]

Marshall

Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love.

Aaww..I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now!

Lily

Really!?

Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.

Lily

Oh, so can we see a judge?

Absolutely!

Lily

Really?

Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.

Marshall

[clenched teeth] Why are you doing this to us?

Because you're on CANDID CAMERA!

Robin

Really?

Is what I would say--

Marshall

You know what? We get it.

Barney

If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would've been a feature about it in Details magazine.

Ted

Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?

Barney

Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.

Marshall

The "Ohhh..." moment?

Barney

Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker.

It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.

Barney

Ohhhh.....

I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!

Barney

Ohhhh.....

I just turned 30.

Barney

Ohhhhhh.....

Barney

So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible

Ted

Hmm...I disagree. If there's some potential "Ohhh...." moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Ted

I love you.

Robin

I used to be a dude.

Ted

Ohhhhhh.....

Lily

This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!!

Marshall

That's YOU?

Robin

Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.

Lily

So, just to be clear...you want us to go to the mall...today?

Barney

[to James] Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun! [to Ted, Marshall, Lily, and Robin] Huh... yes offense.

Barney

OK, here's my thing - if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. That's how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like... now everyone gets manicures.

Ted

Yeah... I don't get manicures.

Barney

OK, then, like, how... like getting your chest waxed.

Lily

[gasping] Oh! You get your chest waxed?

Barney

[annoyed] You know what I mean! Gay marriage is going to cause single life as we know it to die out. Think of how the American family will be strengthened!

Ted

I'm sorry, but i'm not apologizing! Look-I was just trying to put the guy back together. You smashed him to pieces!

Lily

Are you seriously not going to apologize for leaving that message?!

Ted

NO!

Lily

Why not?!

Ted

BECAUSE, Lily, this summer you were KIND OF A GRINCH!

Oooooooohhhhhhh.

[coldly] You'll be sorry, Ted Mosby.

Barney

Ted Vivian Mosby!

Ted

That's not my middle name.

Barney

You kiss your mother with that mouth?!

Ted

Like you've never said that word.

Barney

I don't kiss your mother with my mouth. Yet...

Ted

Are you sick?

Barney

Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?

Ted

No, I meant do you have a cold?

Barney

I'm fine. [blows his nose; Ted and Robin look at him] I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. If you'll excuse me, holiday is the time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Lily

Oh, shut up. You think I don't know your fake apologies by now, Ted Mosby? You're clearly still mad at me.

Ted

I'm not mad at you.

Lily

Yes you are.

Ted

[seething] I am NOT mad at you Lily, now can we please just...

Lily

I've apologized to Marshall and he's forgiven me, and we've moved past it. Why can't you?

Ted

Because you've never apologized to me. Marshall's not the only one you walked out on. You leave for three months, you don't even call? Come on, Lily we're supposed to be friends!

Lily

Yeah, some friend, you called me a Grinch!

Ted

You were a grinch!

Lily

How can you...

Ted

Grinchy, grinch grinch grinch, grinch grinch grinch.

Lily

Happy?! Now you've pissed off the big guy upstairs.

Ted

Yeah, i'm sure God cares if I-

You use that language again, and i'll turn off your water!

Robin

[Downs drink] I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have to help me talk her out of it.

Marshall

A speech to talk a girl out of sex...

Ted

...yeah I don't have any of those.

Barney

Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.

Robin

Please? I'm her older sister; I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.

Lily

It's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.

Robin

That's why I need your help!

Lily

That's Dirty Dancing!

Ted

It was on last night.

Marshall

No, it was two nights ago. "She's Like the Wind" has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out; now it's back in. Damn you, Swayze!

Barney

[picks up dart] Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!

Robin

Oh, wow, a new dart!

Ted

Hey, that new dart is great!

Robin

I did not know you were such a fan of "newdart", Barney!

Barney

Oh yes, Robin, I just love "newdart"...”nude art". "Nude art"!

Marshall

Okay, all right, so what, you guys found the painting, huh?!?

Lily

I knew this day would come.

Marshall

How did you know that?

Lily

Because I didn't hide it very well.

Hey Marshall, what are you having?

Marshall

What I'll have, oh I don't know maybe a beer and that nude painting of me hanging behind the bar!

Oh, I'm sorry. That painting is property of the bar.

Marshall

I know that Barney gave you that painting!

I don't know what you're talking about...

Marshall

Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you double!

I doubt it.

Marshall

Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you that plus ten bucks!

I doubt it.

Marshall

Alright, you know what, Carl? You just lost yourself a regular customer!

I doubt it.

Ted

So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?

Barney

Have I taught you nothing, Ted?

Ted

Virtually.

Barney

Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.

Lily

Sartorial?

Barney

Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade. Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. [In a high-pitched voice] What up? [Raises his hand in anticipation for a high-five]