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How I Met Your Mother quotes

439 quotes · page 4 of 30

How I Met Your Mother
All S1 S2 S3 S4 S5 S6 S7 S8 S9

S1 E21Milk

[Lily admits to Ted about the arts program and how it could derail her and Marshall's wedding]

There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not. And damn it, I made no mistakes. I've done all of this: my life, my relationship, my career mistakes-free. Does any of this make sense to you?

I don't know, you said 'mistake' a lot.

S1 E22Come On

[Ted and Barney are in a library trying to recruit Barney's friend Penelope for a rain dance]

PPenelope

Why the hell should I help you?

Come on, I know it didn't work out between us, but we did have a relationship.

PPenelope

We had sex in your car twice and then you dumped me. How is that a relationship?

Twice!

PPenelope

[loudly] Barney, there is no way I'm- [student shushes her]

Seriously, come on.

Penelope, I really need to make it rain this weekend.

PPenelope

Why?

There's this girl-

PPenelope

Oh, there's this girl! You know the traditional rain dance is a sacred prayer to nature. I don't think the great spirit looks too kindly on white dudes who co-opt it to get laid.

But this is the girl I love! If it doesn't rain this weekend, she's gonna end up with the wrong guy!

PPenelope

This wrong guy. Is he a huge jackass?

Absolutely.

PPenelope

Kinda like Barney?

Kinda.

Hey!

PPenelope

You hit on my mom!

We weren't exclusive!

PPenelope

[To Ted] I'm in.

[Ted goes to Robin's apartment after the rains begin]

Robin! Hey! Robin! Oh, thank God you're here!

My camping trip got rained out!

I know, I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.

Yeah, it is. Come down here.

But it's pouring! You come up!

No, you have to come down here!

Why?

Why? Because I MADE IT RAIN! That's what I did today! And that's enough! I..I've done my part, now get down here!

I'm not dressed, Ted! Come up!

I'm not coming up there, Robin. I'm not. You have to come down here!

[Robin contemplates going outside, looks at the blue French horn Ted gave her, and decides to go outside. She opens her door to find Ted.]

I was gonna...

I know. [Ted and Robin kiss]

S2 E1Where Were We?

[Marshall and Lily talk about Lily's program in San Francisco]

So that's it? We're breaking up?

Marshall, I'm sorry. I just, I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out who I am outside of us, and the only way I can do that is if...if we don't talk for a while.

For a while. Try never, okay? You walk out of that door, and we're done. You're never going to hear my voice again! [segue to Marshall talking to Ted] I should call her.

No, no, if you call her when she asks you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face.

You're a good friend, Ted.

[Robin complains about Marshall's depression after Lily leaves him.]

This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating. We agreed we don't want to move too fast, and somehow, we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.

Have you tried breast feeding? Nailed it!

S2 E2The Scorpion and the Toad

FTFuture Ted

The thing about a hangover is that everyone has their own special remedy.

WWaiter

Morning, guys! What can I getcha?

Shhhhh..... bring me the dirtiest, greasiest Tuna Melt you got. And a milkshake.

WWaiter

For you, sir?

Uggh.... gravy.

WWaiter

Do you want that gravy on something?

...Surprise me.

I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here, heehee! Just kidding, I'm good!

What are you so chirpy about?

She's still drunk from last night.

I don't think so! [looks around, then shakes her chest] WOOOO!

S2 E3Brunch

I'm a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, and everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision... which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.

[Barney is taking Ted's father to MacLaren's]

TSTed's mother

I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for mass tomorrow.

St. Peter's, 8:45 AM. It's my favorite service.

Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?

S2 E4Ted Mosby: Architect

Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.

I love it when you quote Scripture.

KKara

[talking about Lily] You should sue her.

BBrad

Oh, yeah? On what grounds, Kara?

KKara

On the grounds of... shut up! [She drinks from a beer bong and then spits alcohol everywhere.]

FTFuture Ted

That's our Attorney General.

S2 E5World's Greatest Couple

Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.

I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.

Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.

What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.

The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.

Oh come on. She's desperate.

Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.

Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV.

[Points to wall] See that wall? [Turns on TV] 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!

It hurts my eyes...

Yeah, that doesn't go away.

S2 E6Aldrin Justice

[about Ted's boss, who has designed a building resembling a penis] I can't believe how Mr Druthers treats people, and that building? Talk about overcompensating.

He's not usually this bad. It's just that his partners have made it clear that this project is make or break for us, so lately, he's been testy. [Lily and Robin smirk] You know what I mean, crotchety. [Lily and Robin begin to laugh] I'm just saying, it's been hard on him. [Lily and Robin laugh harder] All right, stop.

Did you show Lily your design?

No.

What design?

It's nothing.

It's fantastic. Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design, and it doesn't look at all like male genitalia...at least, not healthy male genitalia.

You should pitch your building to Druthers.

Are you kidding? He's Hammond Druthers! He's a legend -- I'm just part of his team. This building is huge for the firm, so it's important that we don't blow it. [Lily and Robin collapse laughing] All right, enough!

[Barney's in the hospital after trying to sexually satisfy Marshall's law professor]

LProfessor Lewis

Mr Eriksen, hello. I graded your paper tonight. I was...[looks at Barney] pleasantly surprised.

[smugly] Yeah she was.

LLewis

[to Marshall, before leaving] B-plus.

B-plus?!? Marshall, after I've gone though my eight weeks of physical therapy, I'm going to get you that A!

Let her go. She belongs out there...in the wild. You should be proud. You fought the cougar and lived.

These quotes come from Wikiquote's How I Met Your Mother pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.