House · Season 5
Love what you're wearing. Brings out the blue in the case file, means it's not from the ER. So why are you here?
Because Dr. Cuddy is not here. She's decided to spend some more time with the baby for a while. I'm taking over some of her day-to-day responsibilities. Like baby-sitting you.
Interesting. You have your whole life ahead of you. So why would Cuddy want you to die so young?
She figured I spent three years working for you, I was innoculated.
You slept with Foreman?
Sorry, you were busy.
[Kutner makes a cut in the patient's arm as part of a bleeding-time test.]
Time zero.
I'm impressed. You didn't even flinch.
[smiles] I just went to my happy place.
[pauses while writing on her clipboard, eyes going wide] We cannot let House anywhere near this woman.
Where is your happy place?
My class. With them.
Past the first mark.
It's a great thing you do.
Not really. You know, most kids, typical children, you hand them a pair of scissors and they cut. Well, Tony he's got CP. And when I gave him scissors, we went on a journey together. Learning to get his fingers in those holes, to hold the scissors apart, to hold the paper. I mean, when he finally learned to cut, we both just... wept with joy.
[Thirteen and Kutner look at each other and smile.]
[to the patient] If you ever meet our boss, just yes or no answers, okay?
[Cameron has just approved a likely-unnecessary medical procedure for House's patient, and House is trying to figure out why.]
Some people thought you were gonna be brutal. Marking your territory.
Who?
Nobody. Just because I call him 'nobody' doesn't make me a racist.
I am not gonna play games. If you come to me with a request and it makes medical sense, I'll say yes.
I need oral sex. [Cameron stares at House.] Pretty sure biological imperative qualifies as medical sense.
Can I return my phone call now?
I don't really see how that's gonna be possible.
Cameron actually said yes?!
[snarky tone, while scrubbing up for the surgery] Nope, I'm just obsessive about clean cuticles.
Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?
I don't know. Maybe they wanted to take time off to spend with their little dumbwaiter. But then they had to leave it at home with an elevator sitter because you drove the replacement elevator to quitting because you're incapable of listening to anybody but me. That's just a theory.
You're wrong. I don't even listen to you.
I'm happy for you. A love so deep you're ready to chuck your medical license to give her powerful, unproven drugs with dangerous side effects. I don't want to make assumptions about your feelings for me, but I do have a birthday coming up.
Yeah, that makes sense too.
"Too"?
I was thinking you actually feel guilty about taking her away from her baby, but your explanation's good too. It's completely inconsistent with your character, but... whatever.
Thank you, Rationalization Man. You have saved the village!
Shocks without shock, an itch that won't stop. She needs Dr. Seuss.
Or this whole thing is just an act. And you've gone back to the part you think you need to play.
You should go talk to Wilson. Rationalization Man needs a faithful sidekick. Now Rational Man needs to go save a life.
Oh, yeah. God wants life to have meaning, life's meaningless without free will, with free will there's always suffering, so... God wants suffering. I got tired of that argument before I even finished saying it. And even if I brought that, the hell is God doing? Y'know, just the big stuff? The Acts of God, the hurricanes, the earthquakes, the random killings of millions of innocent people? Yeah, we better damn pray.
[Beat.]
God, I wish you weren't a pedophile.
Why do the Lord's work if the Lord has left the building?
I've been with the Church my entire adult life. It's my only marketable skill.
I detect a stink of leftover faith.
You wanna talk hypocrisy? What about you? You act like you don't care about anyone but here you are, saving lives...
Solving puzzles... Saving lives is just collateral damage.
Yeah, nice try. I don't think you're not looking for somebody to prove you right. I think you're looking for somebody to prove you wrong. To give you hope. You wanna believe, don't you?
[pause] Yeah, I wanna walk out and find myself in a forest of whore trees. But I don't think it's a good idea to tell people to go fornicate with fruit.
[Taub and Thirteen inform House with Daniel's latest test results]
So Father Nietzsche has AIDS...
Religion is not the opiate of the masses, religion is the placebo of the masses.
If she [Cuddy] invited you to a ceremonial lynching, would you go?
It would depend on what she was serving.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
