[House, Cuddy and Wilson are playing poker at a hospital charity event]
Call.
You'll call anything.
My stack is bigger than your stack.
S2 E17All In
So are you going to tell me an annoying story every time I raise?
God, that would be annoying.
[to Chase, in front of a girl he's talking to] Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you'd come back for seconds. I figured after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night.
He's joking.
No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time.
GGirl
I'll, uh, see you later.
[Girl exits]
Got a case.
Well, you could've just said that. You didn't have to screw with me.
Yeah, but if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope.
The parents are mad because their kid is dying, it's understandable, but if he doesn't die they won't be mad anymore.
Well if he's brain damaged they might still be a little ticked.
You know relative to its size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal?
S2 E18Sleeping Dogs Lie
Depriving her of even the few minutes of sleep she does have that's torture.
So is cutting people with knives. You can totally get away with that if you have a doctor's coat on.
[Cameron, Chase, and Foreman enter]
[about the patient] We've got rectal bleeding.
What, all of you?
Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.
Talk to the dog?
We're not as up on foreign languages as you are.
I've got the plague?
Don't worry, its treatable. Being a bitch, though... nothing we can do about that.
S2 E19House vs. God
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.
[Paraphrase of Thomas Szasz, "If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; If you talk to the dead, you are a schizophrenic." (The Second Sin, Anchor/Doubleday, Garden City, NY. 1973, Page 113)]
You're gonna talk to a patient?
God talks to him. It'd be arrogant of me to assume that I'm better than God.
He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing...
And you're worried about trademark infringement?
Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump. It's a power trip.
Ah, and there the similarities end.
I fear for the human race. A teenager claims to be the voice of God and people with advanced degrees are listening.
BBoyd
Dad, we have to have faith...
WWalter
I have faith in the Lord. You, I trust... as much as you can trust a teenage boy.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's House pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.