[to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Short, sweet, grab a file.
This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board [emphasized to sound like "bored"] ...certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.
[House turns to face Dr. Cuddy.]
That is true, isn't it?
[He turns back to the crowd.]
But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. [House reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pharmaceutical bottle.] This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [nobody moves] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[Everybody raises their hands]
Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
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