Gregory House quotes from House

House

There are no cars coming. Just go.

Rachel

The light is red, ye bloody scallywag.

Cuddy

Stop with the pirate talk.

House

If you don't want Brownbeard to end up with two wooden legs, better get your ma to move this ship, you mangy bilge rat.

Cuddy

Of course... you showed her that filthy cartoon. What kind of idiot lets a three-year-old watch that?

House

If you want to lecture me on my poor judgment, there seems to be more relevant examples.

House

What are you doing here?

Wilson

You hoping for someone else?

House

Hot nurse, candy striper… Someone who doesn't speak English. Someone who doesn't speak judgmental.

Wilson

You're an ass.

House

What, for trying to walk on a freshly mangled leg? Performing surgery on myself? For thinking I could solve my emotional problems with rat medicine? If you're gonna nag, at least have the decency to be specific.

Cuddy

You stood me up.

House

Sorry. Should have scheduled my patient's internal bleeding for Thursday.

Chase

You want us to waste a bed on her?

House

You took an oath… an oath to be cool. At least that was the one I mumbled under my breath while everyone else was doing the boring one.

Wilson

You're forging my name on prescriptions again.

House

No. What you just said implies that I stopped at some point.

House

You think I have unresolved issues and you are the unresolved issues.

Cuddy

Yes. But it's... I think it's more than that. It's your life, your choices.

House

I did it to fix my life. No, wait, no, I did it because I'm a deeply unhappy person. No, no, I did it to get sympathy from you. I did it to piss you off. I did it because I'm not over you, or I was over you, and I was moving on. I did it because I want to know what it's like not to be in pain. I did it because I want to feel more pain. Whatever the reason, it was a bad reason and a bad idea. That's all that matters. Good lunch.

Cuddy

House… talk to me!

House

I already did.

Cuddy

[gets in front of House, trying to stop him] No, you just parroted back what Wilson and I've been saying to you the last few days.

House

Get out of my way.

Cuddy

No. [She looks down and touches his leg.] Oh, you pulled a stitch. House, please just talk to me.

House

[loudly] You want to know how I feel? [two deep breaths then, quietly] I feel hurt.

Cuddy

I know. I'm sorry. [Cuddy's final line]

House

It's not your fault. [pulls his hands free and walks off.]

Why you keep helping him out?

House

Yeah, why would I wanna make sure that my homicidal cellmate is taking the right anti-psychotics?

I checked your file. You didn't have a bad lawyer. You had no lawyer. You took the first deal they offered because you wanted to punish yourself. You think getting beat up, saving this one guy is going to wipe your slate clean?

House

No.

Then why are you doing this?

House

Because I have a gift.

House

Before I went to Med School. Thought about getting a PHD in Physics. You ever hear of dark matter? The galaxies rotate. Motion of the universe. It means there's six times more stuff than we can detect. But it's theorized. No one's ever proved it exists.

So uh, so you want to research it? Why?

House

It's the greatest mystery there is. Theory of everything.

And completely divorced from humanity.

House

Me and humanity, we got married too young.

Dr. Eric Foreman

Get this straight. You break the law, you go back to jail. Scam extra Vicodin, back to jail. Flout my authority, make the hospital look bad, back to jail. I own you.

House

Yassa, massa.

Foreman

See, that would be an example.

House

Okay, I'll go first. My boss dumped me, and yours what? Called you his china doll? Joked about what a crappy deal you got for Manhattan? Assumed that you had a huge penis? I have no idea what flavor you are, so I thought I'd just cover the spread.

My mom's Filipino, dad's Korean, and my boss grabbed my behind.

House

Behind what? Oh, yeah, your... grabbed your tushy.

I told you, my son didn't do cocaine.

House

Druggies are not known for their honesty. Trust me on this one. [pops Vicodin]

You said we were meeting for coffee.

House

Well, when someone asks you if you want coffee, they obviously don't just mean coffee. Wait, did you think I was referring to sex? [to Park] Would you shut the blinds on the way out?