Gregory House quotes from House

Wilson

Congratulations on your engagement.

House

I hear a strange voice.

Dominika

A very soft-looking man. Must be the Wilson.

Taub

[House's helicopter hits him in the head] Ow! What the hell?

House

Negative reinforcement.

Who are you?

House

Shhh!

What are you doing?

House

Test.

Who are you?

House

The important question is, who are you? Danny Jennings is dead, which means that Danny Jennings has no pulse. You, on the other hand… do. Ergo, you are not Danny Jennings. [leans his cane against the bed] Or I did the test wrong. So why don't you cut the crap and tell me your real name.

No.

House

Hiding your identity… Well, either you're a criminal or a superhero.

I'm not a criminal.

House

Awesome. What color is my underwear?

Thirteen

The interrogation thing is getting annoying.

House

Studies have shown that un-annoying interrogation is 50% less effective.

House

Junior year high school, you placed fourth in the West Virginia all-county science fair. Your project? Clean combustion.

Thirteen

Yeah. I also wore a training bra. Things have changed.

House

[under his breath] Not that much.

Foreman

Sounded a lot like… Thirteen.

House

It's a Thirteen tribute band with their new song, "I've got a better theory than Masters."

She could die.

House

Pretty sure the law of the land states that everyone has the right to be an idiot. I think it's the Second Amendment.

I broke the rules because I believed I was right.

House

You were right.

Then why don't I feel good or satisfied? Instead, I just feel like throwing up.

House

And you're following me to ask how I break the rules and maintain my rosy demeanor.

I didn't do it to be happy. I just thought I would be.

House

You can't always get what you want.

Taub

Sure, some people will screw up anything, but some won't. That kind of cash, he has a chance to turn a miserable life around.

House

Miserable stays miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets in the first place.

Thirteen

Our level of happiness is set. It's in our DNA. No cash payout's gonna change that.

House

It's like there's two of me.

Cuddy

My mother's lawyer called. She's threatening to sue the hospital over our mistreatment of her. Says it slowed her recovery.

House

You know, I was just thinking how much I want a relationship with no sex, but where I still have to deal with your mother.

Cuddy

No clinic hours for the next quarter.

House

And three parking spots, next to each other, so I can park diagonally. And three pairs of your underwear. I'm thinking of taking up sailing.

Cuddy

Forget it. Treat your patient, don't treat your patient. Come to the meeting, don't come to the meeting. I'm done playing your game.

House

You realize the game is automatically over when the loser loses, right?

House

Down on the patient's romance because your own lifespan is shorter than dinner and a movie?

Thirteen

You're the one who said miserable stays miserable.

House

You keep saying it. Several times a day.

Thirteen

I love being back, having every theory you and I share used as proof of my own personal damage.

House

It'll end horribly.

Thirteen

Not for him. She may take all his money, and he may be a naive idiot but he'll always be hopeful, so he'll always be happy.

House

You lost your mother. You euthanized your brother. You got the life expectancy of a pretty good sitcom. If you can convince yourself that you'd be miserable no matter what, even without all that stuff, then maybe you don't have to hate the universe, for dumping a giant turd on you. Fatalism is your survival mechanism.

Thirteen

And you? Dumped by everyone you've ever loved. Rehab was a bust. Your leg feels like someone took a giant bite out of it. We are who we are. Lotteries are stupid.

What the hell?

House

Don't worry. It's just epinephrine.

Ep... is it dangerous?

House

In the wrong hands, very. So... yeah, sort of.

House

Leg hurts. Would you mind getting me a coffee?

How does coffee help your leg?

House

It will prevent me from walking to get the coffee.

Right.