Gregory House quotes from House

House

Any questions?

[raises his arm] What's a vibrator?

Isn't that like sexual harassment?

House

Not if you are good-looking.

How is that even possible?

House

That's what she said. [after noticing that the class keeps looking at him] No, she did literally say that.

[flashback] How is that even possible?

House

Who password protects a computer they keep in a locked desk in a locked office?

Someone who works with someone who thinks it's okay to break into other people's homes.

Cuddy

I just need some time alone.

House

Because I used your toothbrush?!

Cuddy

And you didn't take out the trash.

House

That's insane. You know that, right?

Cuddy

You do whatever you want. Always.

House

I said I was sorry! I was still half asleep. I wasn't paying attention!

Cuddy

And you're always right. And not only do always think you're right. But you are actually always right, because that's all that matters.

House

That doesn't even make sense. What, you want me to be wrong?

Cuddy

I want you to care about more than just what you want. What you think. You need me, House. And you may even love me, but you don't care about me, and I deserve someone who does.

Dr. House, can I ask you a question? Are you insane or just stupid?

House

Is there a third option?

Actually, I don't think there is.

House

I'm sorry. I just wasn't thinking. I mean, I was, but only about myself, which is apparently the way I am. Usually. Not always. I need to convince someone of that.

And you think you can do that by getting someone to pull strings to get her daughter into our pre-school. I spoke to Sanford Wells.

House

You can call the police. You can turn me in for lying at the accident.

I'm sure Mr. Dryden has already taken care of that.

House

Let her daughter in. She's a great kid and Dr. Cuddy is a great mom. They'll fit in perfectly here.

And how exactly does admitting her daughter prove how unselfish you are? It seems like you're still doing it to help yourself, not anyone else.

House

I don't know. I just know that I need to do something. I need her in my life. Do you know what it's like to actually need someone?

Yes. I do. But I also know what it's like to have responsibilities. Maybe it's time you grew up.

Cuddy

House! I assume you're avoiding me because of the charity gala.

House

This Friday? It's completely slipped my mind.

Cuddy

So you'll be there?

House

No, I meant it slipped my mind to tell you I'm not going.

Cuddy

What do you think it'll look like if you don't show up when I get an award?

House

Like I don't give a crap about awards, charities, what it looks like.

Cuddy

If you ever want…

House

I RSVPed two days ago. What, you think I'm a complete ass?

Cuddy

If you were already going, why did you…

House

Foreplay.

Foreman

Are you wearing my tie?

Taub

Oh, I saw it in your closet, and it happened to match my shirt.

Foreman

Why were you in my closet?

Taub

Looking for a tie. What's the big deal?

House

Obviously, he wants you out of the closet for some reason. I suspect marriage, but I'm liberal that way.

House

[knocks repeatedly on Cuddy's door until she opens it] We really, really need to talk.

Cuddy

You're drunk and you screwed up big time. Go home! [House walks in, Cuddy closes the door] You completely disappeared on me! You wouldn't even answer your cell phone.

House

You're going to want to sit down for this. [motions toward the sofa] Go ahead. Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. I have made a decision. Being happy and being in love with you makes me a crappy doctor.

Cuddy

Shut up. You're too drunk to end this relationship.

House

I am drunk, and I'm also right. You have made me a worse doctor, and people are going to die because of that. [long pause] And you are totally worth it. If I had to choose between saving everyone or loving you and being happy, I choose you. I choose being happy with you. I will always choose you. [sits in the sofa, lays his head down in Cuddy's lap]

Cuddy

Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap outta me?

House

Set an alarm and everything.

Cuddy

It's like dating a ten-year-old.

House

God, I hope not.

Wilson

I'll get it!

House

[off screen] That better be her.

Wilson

Rachel Cuddy, you were supposed to be home half an hour ago.

Rachel

Don't blame me; he's the one who wouldn't run any red lights.

The mouth on that kid makes Mel Gibson sound like Nelson Mandela. Where'd she learn that?

House

I don't know why you're here, but I didn't do it.

Wilson

What's the problem, officer?

She was shoplifting down at the mall. Are either of you this girl's father?

House

Nope! But since her mom died, she's my favorite tax write-off. [walks over to the door and sees the officer out] Officer, you have my word it won't happen again, 'cause next time she won't get caught.

Cuddy

You took Vicodin. When you came to my hospital room that night, you were stoned.

House

How did you know?

Cuddy

How did I not know? How did I make myself forget for months that you're an addict? My sub-conscious was trying to tell me you could never get through this without drugs.

House

It was a one time thing.

Cuddy

It's not about the pills, House. It's about what they mean.

House

I was scared because I thought my girlfriend might die.

Cuddy

No. You don't take Vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain. Everything you've ever done is to avoid pain; drugs, sarcasm, keeping everybody at arm's length so no one can hurt you.

House

As opposed to everyone else in the world who goes looking for pain like it's buried treasure?

Cuddy

Pain happens when you care. You can't love someone without making yourself open to their problems, their fears, and you're not willing to do that.

House

I came -- I came to be with you.

Cuddy

You weren't with me. Not really.

House

I wanted to be.

Cuddy

That's not enough.

House

I can do better.

Cuddy

I don't think you can. You'll choose yourself over everybody else over and over again because that's just who you are. [strokes House's face] I'm sorry.

House

No, no, no. Don't don't.

Cuddy

I thought I could do this.

House

Don't, don't. Please don't.

Cuddy

Goodbye, House.

House

Who's in charge?

Foreman

House, as long as you're not here, someone has to have the final…

House

Let me rephrase. Who's your daddy?

Wilson

We are gonna talk about this, and we're gonna deal with this.

House

So I have no choice. Fine. Unless... unless... yes, I do. I do have legs. I see you didn't factor those into your brilliant plan.

Cuddy

I think maybe you're looking for something that can excite you. Fill a void. And it's affecting your judgement.

House

You're right. I am. But my damaged, depressed, drug-addled judgment is still better than yours or any other doctor's in this hospital. And my team is going to do this procedure and save his life. So you can either have security arrest me and my team or you can get the hell out of my way. [He pauses and watches her face] And she caves.

House

Before I forget, I want you to meet Dominika. She's about to become a permanent member of Team House.

Dominika

[stands and hook her arm into House's arm possessively] Nice to be meetings you all. [puts a wedding invitation down on the table]

Chase

Doing what exactly?

House

Me. We're getting married on Friday. [to Dominika] Mount up!

I don't think that two people are supposed…

House

Living on the edge, baby doll!