Gregory House quotes from House

Ramon

Faith is not a disease.

House

No, of course not. On the other hand, it is communicable, and it kills a lot of people.

You're smiling. Does that mean that you're comfortable with your choice? Or that you're afraid? Because this may be your only hope.

Ramon

You can prescribe a lot of things, but hope isn't one of 'em.

House

Sticking by your convictions and damning the consequences. You two have a lot in common. You're both idiots.

Wilson

You have to go. Your girlfriend's birthday? It's not even a question.

House

She has one every year. How often do you break up with the love of your life? Okay, for you, it's more often than most, but still...

Wilson

I'm a big boy. I think I'll survive.

Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness?

House

Because my assumption is backed up by millions of men, and Taub, who cheated on their wives.

I wish that you would take a second look. I'm tired all the time, and when it's cold I get this weird pain in my shoulder.

House

I have a pain in my leg. You don't hear me complaining... except for just now.

How do doctors get this idea you're better than everyone else?

House

Probably all that pulling people back from the brink of death, it's just a guess.

My own daughter is a doctor. She makes a hobby of dismissing my concerns.

House

She sounds smart.

Did she tell you to say that?

House

I've never met your daughter.

That's hard to believe, since you're currently shtupping her.

Jack has an infection that's spread to his mastoid.

House

Great. We'll confirm that in a week, when your secret cultures have sprouted.

Am I in trouble?

House

I only get mad when you waste my time. Couldn't care less about yours. But let me know when they come back negative, and I'll mock you.

Cuddy

Wilson.

House

It's uh, bowling night. He'll never forgive me if I don't. Oh, screw it. I'm coming.

Cuddy

No, no. no. I am not going to be responsible for that. You drugged the man, you go bowling with him.

House

Well, my chances of sex are considerably lower with Wilson.

[about Driscoll] Military history. In suspiciously good shape for his age. Makes a living bullying kids. I'm thinking… steroids?

House

Fascinating.

[smiles] Thanks. We can wean him off...

House

Steroids isn't fascinating, it's moronic. There's no other sign of hormonal imbalance. What's fascinating is that you equate discipline with bullying. Which means that your parents either disciplined you too much or too little. I'm guessing too little.

House

How do you cheat on a test when there's no test?

Wilson

Sorry, not playing. [gets up, grabs his lab coat, and leaves his office with House following behind him.] Go away, House. [puts on his lab coat while walking] I am not giving you advice just so you can distort it to suit your own warped world view.

House

But it's been working so well. Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood Preschool. The problem is, Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich.

Wilson

And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.

House

Cuddy cares about her. Which means When Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. And as the boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive, consoling...

Wilson

Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine.

House

Play date being their code for way to weed out the paste sandwiches. They'll hand her puzzles and counting games, and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces. [gets an idea and turns & walks off]

Wilson

Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker!

Foreman

House, where are you?

House

Playground. Great place to meet chicks. Their moms too.

Taub

You bugged the room?

House

I absolutely, without apology, will admit that someone may have allegedly done so.

House

Once again, you are unfired.

Why?

House

You sold me out even though you knew that you were gonna get thrown out of med school. That's just… kind of impressive.

I keep my job if I stand up to you. I keep it if I don't. I… don't buy it.

House

When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. She's now protecting a boyfriend. The hospital's not gonna put up with that for long. So I need you to protect me from doing something Cuddy will regret.

House

Picture a door. Unlocked with the key of the mind. Two medical cases, both more fascinating than the last.

That actually makes no logical sense.

House

This is not a door to logical sense. Also, shut up.

What about a tutor?

Taub

I don't need a tutor.

House

Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hard-ass.

Taub

Foreman.

House

Interesting. You must be more worried than you look.

Foreman

Why are you giving me these?

House

Because, while they're off running all these tests, you will be submitting the insurance forms.

Foreman

There's an entire department for that.

House

Exactly. The Foreman Department. Of which you are the foreman, Foreman.