Gregory House quotes from House

Wilson

[to House] You told me you gave them your credit card...

House

And you were dumb enough to believe me. [Wilson walks into the house and sees Rachel. House picks up his jacket] Cuddy'll be back in an hour and ten minutes, I'll be back in an hour and five.

Wilson

[follows House to the door] Ohhh, no, you don't.

House

Oh, yes, I do.

Wilson

You're not gonna leave the kid?

House

Yes, I am. [begins putting on his coat] 'Cause unlike you, I don't have a conscience.

Wilson

[tries to get past House to the door] And unlike you, I'm not having sex with Cuddy, so I actually can leave.

Wilson

Hey, hey, hey! You are not going to pin this on me. Rachel needs to be monitored for 24 hours to see that the dime passes. You know, just to make sure she doesn't die.

House

You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out a window?!

Wilson

[to House] If Rachel wakes up, she's gonna tell Cuddy everything.

House

She's two! Last night, she was whining about the giant moose that lives outside her window.

House

[to Cuddy] Just because my sausage has been filling your bun doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor chips I nosh on during the day.

Cuddy

Nope, I get to do that because I'm your boss.

House

Black guy campaigning for the opposition? Does Obama know about this?

Dr. Foreman

I tried calling him on the brotha hotline. He didn't pick up.

House

Say something brilliant.

Oh, I, I don't...

House

Capital of Azerbaijian?

Baku.

House

Year Beethoven died?

1827.

House

Twentieth decimal of Eulier's Number?

Six. [giggles] It's my favorite constant.

House

She's like the Internet with breasts. Oh, no, wait--the Internet has breasts.

House

How mad would you be if I fired Masters?

Dr. Cuddy

Very. Unless you had cause. Real cause. Cause that a human being would consider cause.

House

Never mind, then.

Dr. Cuddy

You'll figure something out. The two of you have a combined IQ north of 300.

House

That's also true of five morons.

House

Why aren't you guys in my office?

Foreman

Why are you in the building? It's 8:00 in the morning.

House

Where's Chase?

Taub

He's not here because it's 8:00 in the morning.

Chase

[to House] We just tried this. I'm not a better liar than Foreman.

House

Sure you are. You're descended from convicts.

Chase

Your Jedi mind tricks won't work here.

House

[gesture with his hand] Those are not the droids you're looking for.

[to House] You don't trust me.

House

Going behind your back works better when you're not facing us.

Julie doesn't have smallpox.

House

Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the reverse... oh, my God, I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga.

You don't believe in God?

House

I did. Then I grew my curly hairs.

House

Classic Neurohecatia. Two days of anticholinergics, you'll be walking out of here.

Ramon

Really?

House

No. I just made that up to see your reaction. Diagnostic test. This is awesome. 33-year-old carpenter presenting with narcissism, delusions of grandeur, hallucinations.

Taub

He hasn't had hallucinations.

House

I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about "him" with a capital "o-m-g."

Chase

You want us to do a differential diagnosis on Jesus?

Hears voices, thinks he's the son of God. Probably Schizophrenic.