Gregory House quotes from House

Cuddy

Just let him in.

House

No! He's like a stray... he'll eat everything, shed all over the place, and crap on the floor.

House

[Answers cell phone] Hi, this is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine. Not suicidal. Not on drugs. Coping very well with the loss of my last patient. So feel free to go about your day without worrying. Beeeeep.

Wilson

[both outside House's door and on cell phone] House, you can't just NOT show up to work. What's Cuddy going to say?

House

If this is still Wilson, she gave me the day off and tomorrow. [Cuddy glares at him.] Okay, maybe not tomorrow, but today. I'm fine. Now go away! ...........beeeeeeeep.

Cuddy

I really do have to leave.

House

I know.

Cuddy

Then what's the problem?

House

This isn't going to work.

Cuddy

....that's it? You can't just say that and shut up.

House

It's just a statement of fact, it's not a debatable proposition.

Cuddy

Right...because you can see the future.

House

No, but I can see the past and you're going to remember all the horrible things I've done and try to convince yourself that I've changed and I'm going to start doing those horrible things again because I haven't changed...then you'll realize that I'm an insane choice for someone who has a kid. And from there it's a short step to the inevitable conclusion that all of this...was a mistake. Tell me any of that isn't true.

Cuddy

The only time you're afraid is when you're happy. You just don't expect it to last.

House

'Cause it doesn't.

Cuddy

You don't know that.

House

I've done horrible things to you. And I'll do horrible things again, to you. Because of one stupid moment with a dying girl in a pile of rubble, you think I can change. Tell me where I'm wrong.

Cuddy

I don't want you to change. I know you're screwed up. I know you are always going to be screwed up. But you're the most incredible man I've ever known. You are always going to be the most incredible man I have ever known. So, unless you're breaking up with me, I am going home now.

House

I love you.

Wilson

I've been more passionate with my great-aunt.

House

Mabel? Up high!

Cuddy

We done here?

House

She didn't even ask me to cough. [To Cuddy] I think you straightened out my limp.

Wilson

What happened?

House

She said 'yes' and I heard 'no'. I didn't actually hear 'no', but I just was sure that's what she meant. The way she tilted her head and half arched her eyebrow. What do I even care what she meant? She said 'yes', that's all that matters. ....I'm screwing this up.

Cuddy

HR can't find you a new supervisor.

House

How come?

Cuddy

Because you're unsuperviseable, House. Two department chairs threatened to quit.

House

We're fine. Never seen her happier.

Wilson

Yeah? How about you?

House

I'm worried.

Wilson

Because she's happy?

House

No. Because I am.

Wilson

House, that's...

House

Ironic? Weird? Crazy?

Wilson

I was going to say normal.

Foreman

So we're taking this case because you are a fan?

House

No, that would be crazy and unprofessional. You're taking this case because I said so.

House

We need to make her cooperate. We have to offer her something she wants.

Foreman

She wants to kill herself, House.

House

...I can work with that.

Cuddy

You used a 3 million dollar piece of hospital equipment so you could read a novel?

House

Cool, right?

Cuddy

Well, as your girlfriend, I'm impressed. As your boss, you're a jackass. Don't do it again.

House

As your boyfriend, I thank you. As your employee, I resent you because I need this for my case.

Cuddy

As your boss, you just got six more clinic hours next week.

Chase

Oh, and she's not like Cameron.

House

True. Cameron had much smaller breasts. By which I mean she was smarter.

House

So this time I'm gonna put you at ease. It's just you and ol' Doc House. A couple of pals chittin' the chat.

Chase

Why not just place a chair above a trap door with a shark tank underneath?

House

Wednesday is when I get my shark tank cleaned.

Normal EKG. No osler nodes.

House

Right, Dr. Kelly!

Chase

Kelly's her first name.

House

What's your point, Dr. Robert?

House

You know what, I'm back to the Cameron theory. That you hired the dumb version of Cameron so that you could fire her and get revenge.

Foreman

Give her a break.

House

Oh, you've switched sides? Let me guess, Chase represents the dumb version of Thirteen…

Foreman

I realized if we all just keep pressuring Kelly, of course she's gonna get stuff wrong. It's irresponsible of me to let that happen.

House

You are a true leader of men.