Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. Cameron

We should give her a local.

Dr. House

That would defeat the point of me being nasty.

Dr. Wilson

The fifth level of happiness involves creation, changing lives.

Dr. House

The sixth level is heroin, the seventh level is you going away.

Dr. House

I don't remember you being this bitchy.

Dr. Wilson

The Vicodin dulled it. In the sober light of day, I'm a buzz-kill.

Dr. House

So you're saying Chase did screw up.

Dr. Chase

Or Foreman screwed up.

Dr. Foreman

Big hand points to minutes, maybe you got them mixed up.

Dr. House

Oh snap, Foreman is playing the dozens. You're at a huge cultural disadvantage here, Chase. Take a couple minutes to think of a witty retort.

Dr. Chase

Hey Foreman, your momma's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.

Dr. House

I need a laser pointer.

Dr. Cameron

We don't have a laser pointer.

Dr. House

Well, why not? Who's going to take us seriously if we don't have a laser pointer?

You're talking about brain surgery.

Dr. House

I'm talking about really cool brain surgery.

Dr. House

Can you believe what Cuddy tried to pull?

Dr. Wilson

What now?

Dr. House

She lied to me. She cured my patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it.

Dr. Wilson

That doesn't sound like her.

Dr. House

You're right. Does sound like you, though.

Dr. Wilson

What exactly did Cuddy tell you?

Dr. House

Nothing that your body language isn't telling me right now. So what was the plan? I'd feel so humble by missing a case that I'd re-evaluate my entire life, question the nature of truth and goodness and become Cameron?

Dr. Wilson

Something like that. More that if we'd told you the truth, that you'd solved a case based on absolutely no medical proof, you'd think you were God, and I was worried your wings would melt.

Dr. House

God doesn't limp.

Are you a man of your word, or not?

Dr. House

No, as a matter of fact, I'm not.

Dr. Cameron

[about Ezra's unethical research] He injected newborn babies with radioactive agents just to see if they'd urethral reflux.

Dr. House

He was curious.

Dr. House

How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy, or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.

Dr. Cuddy

True, better be true, and you're a pig.

Dr. House

What's the largest organ?

Dr. Chase

Skin.

Dr. House

We need to get a piece.

Dr. Foreman

Sure, we'll just wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in and take a piece.

Dr. House

Stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection, and ANA for lupus.

Dr. Cameron

Because he screamed?

Dr. Chase

It could also be an environmental reaction... an allergy, dust, weed, pollen, a toxin, something he ate...

Dr. House

Check the house and run a lung ventilation scan... lungs are in the chest too, right?

Dr. Foreman

I had a date last night. She screamed. Should we spend $100,000 testing her?

Dr. House

Of course not... this isn't a veterinary hospital. ZING!

Dr. House

Hey hey hey hey! [inhales from the mask]

Dr. Wilson

Out of Vicodin? [House gives him a look]

What're you doing?

Dr. House

[holding his breath] Eating the red berries.

He trusted you.

Dr. House

No, that wasn't trust. That was self-preservation.

No... That was huge. It was like a conversation.

Dr. House

A monkey's. [gets up and hits his head on a surgical light] Monkey's afraid to eat the red berries until he sees another monkey eat them. Monkey see, monkey do. It's all it was. The kid's still just as messed up as when he admitted him. [stumbles into a table]

Dr. Cameron

Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal child? It's normal to want to be normal.

Dr. House

Spoken like a true circle queen. See, skinny, socially-privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle. And everyone inside the circle is "normal". Anyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so that they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized. Or worse - Pitied.

Dr. Cameron

So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?

Dr. House

Why would you feel sorry for someone that gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain, or your excretions or your grandma's itchy place. Imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties. I don't pity this kid - I envy him.

Dr. House

[in a southern accent] Come on in, brothers and sister! Welcome to the house of the Lord!

Dr. Cameron

House, come on, the chapel?

Dr. House

We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. Brother, can you testify as to why this poor child's eyeball rolled back into his head?

Dr. Chase

It's consistent with jimsonweed poisoning -- ocular paralysis.

Dr. Chase

[whispering] I'm sorry.

Dr. House

The wicked shall deceive ye, because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots. His ocular muscle didn't paralyze. It pirouetted.

Dr. Cameron

MS…

Dr. House

It is easier for a wise man to gain access to heaven…

Dr. Cameron

Can you stop that? Just say not MS!