Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. House

[talking to Wilson about a patient and quickly changing the subject as he sees Dr. Cuddy coming] —the cutest little tennis outfit! My God, I thought I was going to have a heart attack! Oh my! I didn't see you there - That is so embarrassing...

Dr. Cuddy

How's your hooker doing?

Dr. House

Oh, sweet of you to ask, funny story, she was going to be a hospital administrator, but hated having to screw people like that.

How can you just sit there?

Dr. House

If I eat standing up, I spill.

You've caused me considerable mental distress.

Dr. House

I certainly hope so.

Dr. House

[to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.

Dr. Cuddy

Short, sweet, grab a file.

Dr. House

This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board [emphasized to sound like "bored"] ...certified diagnostician with a double specialty in infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.

Dr. House

That is true, isn't it?

Dr. House

But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. [House reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pharmaceutical bottle.] This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [nobody moves] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?

Dr. House

Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.

Dr. Foreman

Occam's razor. The simplest explanation is always the best.

Dr. House

And you think one is simpler than two?

Dr. Cameron

I'm pretty sure it is, yeah.

Dr. House

Baby shows up. Chase tells you that two people exchange fluids to create this being. I tell you that one stork dropped the little tyke off in a diaper. Are you going to go with the two or the one?

Dr. Foreman

I think your argument is specious.

Dr. House

I think your tie is ugly.

My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm over training; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day, but I can't seem to lose any weight.

Dr. House

[while using an ultrasound] Lift up your arms.

Dr. House

You have a parasite.

Like a tapeworm or something?

Dr. House

Lie back and lift up your sweater.

Dr. House

You can put your arms down.

Can you do anything about it?

Dr. House

Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states.

Illegal?

Dr. House

Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites...

Playdates?

Dr. House

[shows the fetus to her] It has your eyes.

No you see I'm on this birth control-

Dr. House

I know, I saw the scar.

And my doctor said I might not get any periods if it's working.

Dr. House

You also don't get any periods if it isn't working.

Dr. House

See, this is why I don't waste money on shrinks, cause you give me all these really great insights for free.

Dr. Cuddy

Shrink. If you would consider going to a shrink, I would pay for it myself. The hospital would hold a bake sale, for God's sake.

Dr. Wilson

[referring to babies] I'm still amazed you're actually in the same room with a patient.

Dr. House

People don't bug me until they get teeth.

Dr. House

What the hell are those?

Dr. Cameron

Candy canes.

Dr. House

Candy canes? Are you mocking me?

Dr. Cameron

No, i-it's Christmas and I, I thought...

Dr. House

Relax, it's a joke.

Dr. House

In ten seconds, I'm going to announce that I gave her [the patient] the wrong dosage.

Dr. Cuddy

[Taken aback] You're going to admit negligence?

Dr. House

Unless you leave the room, you'll have to testify as a witness. [Cuddy crosses her arms] Five, four, three, two... So there I was in the clinic, drunk, I opened the drawer, closed my eyes, grabbed the first syringe I could find and.... [Cuddy leaves quickly]

Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real.

Dr. House

I thought that was a job requirement for you people.

Dr. House

How is the nun?

Dr. Chase

Which one?

Dr. House

The cute one, I think she likes me. The sick one, obviously.

Why is it so difficult for you to believe in God?

House

What I have difficulty with is the whole concept of belief. Faith isn't based on logic and experience.

I experience God on a daily basis...and the miracle of life all around--the miracle of birth, the miracle of love. He is always with me.

House

Where is the miracle in delivering a crack-addicted baby? Hmm? Then watching her mother abandon her 'cause she needs another score. Miracle of love. You're over twice as likely to be killed by the person you love than by a stranger.

Are you trying to talk me out of my faith?

House

You can have all the faith you want in spirits, and the afterlife, and heaven and hell, but when it comes to this world, don't be an idiot. Cause you can tell me you put your faith in God to get you through the day, but when it comes time to cross the street, I know you look both ways.

This is a good hospital?

Dr. House

Depends what you mean by "good". [looks around] I like these chairs.