Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. Cuddy

Good morning, Dr. House.

Dr. House

Good morning, Dr. Cuddy! Love that outfit. Says, I’m professional, but I’m still a woman. Actually, it sorta yells the second part.

Dr. Cuddy

Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.

Dr. House

[Leaving quickly] Gotta go.

Dr. House

You think I'm crazy.

Dr. Wilson

Well, yeah, but that's not the problem. Didn't we just leave your office?

Dr. House

I like to walk.

Dr. House

Ah! The husband described her as being unusually irritable recently.

Dr. Cameron

And?

Dr. House

I didn't know it was possible for a woman to be unusually irritable.

Dr. Cameron

Nice try, but you're a misanthrope, not a misogynist.

Dr. Foreman

Why are you riding me?

Dr. House

It's what I do...has it gotten worse lately?

Dr. Foreman

Yeah. Seems to me.

Dr. House

Really. Well, that rules out the race thing. 'Cause you were just as black last week.

Dr. House

As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.

Dr. Wilson

And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.

Dr. House

So between us, we can do anything. We can rule the world!

Dr. House

Last three months, same five ties. Thursday should be that paisley thing.

Dr. Wilson

It's a gift from my wife!

Dr. House

No it's not, Julie hates green. You bought that yourself. You want to look pretty, at work.[Pause, then in a sing-song tone] Wilson's got a girlfriend!

Dr. Foreman

The kid was just taking his AP calculus exam when all of a sudden he got nauseous and disoriented.

Dr. House

That's the way calculus presents.

Dr. House

I assume "minimal at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "no chance in hell."

Dr. Chase

I'm Australian.

Dr. House

You put the Queen on your money; you're British.

Dr. Wilson

[Reading a poem Georgia left for Dr. House] "The healer with his magic powers/I could rub his gentle brow for hours/His manly chest, his stubbled jaw/Everything about him leaves me raw—"

Dr. House

Psych ward's upstairs.

Dr. Wilson

"—with joy. Oh, House your very name / Will never leave this girl the same." It's not bad for an 82-year-old. She asked me to give that to her true love.

Dr. House

What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.

Dr. Wilson

That's fairly disgusting.

Dr. House

That's ageism.

Dr. Wilson

You better watch yourself around this babe.

Dr. House

Mr. Adams, would you step outside for a moment?

Why?

Dr. House

Because you irritate me.

You don't risk jail and your career just to save somebody who doesn't want to be saved unless you got something, anything. One thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatever, that's because they don't got that One Thing that hits them that hard and that true. I got music; you got this. The thing you think about all the time, the thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great, makes us the best. All we miss out on is everything else. No woman waiting at home after work with a drink and a kiss. That ain't gonna happen for us.

Dr. House

That's why God made microwaves.

Yeah. But when it's over... It's over.

How many o' those pills you taking?

Dr. House

...I'm in pain.

Yeah. Aren't we all?

You're reading a comic book.

Dr. House

And you're calling attention to your bosom by wearing a low-cut top.

Dr. House

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were having a state-the-obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature.

Dr. Wilson

You really don't need to know everything about everybody.

Dr. House

I don't need to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.

Dr. Wilson

You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word "friend" can also be translated as "limping twerp."

Dr. Wilson

Did your pager really just go off, or are you ditching the conversation?

Dr. House

Why can't both be true?