Hell's Kitchen quotes

Siobhan is ready with her second attempt at the crab capellini.

Hot pan. (brings her capellini to the pass; Gordon checks it; finds that it contains lobster again instead of crab)

It's the lobster again. (returns to the workstation) I've got lobster in the fucking capellini!

Chef, I pulled the one right here that says crab.

No, it's not.

It says crab.

Look! Look! Come here! (gets some lobster) What are they? Wha-wha-wha-

Oh, yeah. That is lobster.

Oh, come on. [shot of Kevin Frazier and his wife at the Chef's Table] Even though it says crab, look at it. What is it?

That looks like lobster, chef.

That's the second time.

(interview) Crab was not crab. It was lobster.

Where's the crab?

(interview) It was lobster.

Oh.

Here it is chef. I got it.

How can we not spot it twice, Siobhan?

My fault, chef. (interview; sighs)

Oh, dear. Scott! (returns to the workstation)

Yes, chef?

All of you, come here!! Just touch that beef. Just touch it, hurry up. (points to Jason) How's that temperature?

Rare.

Yeah? How's that temperature?

Rare.

(to Scott Hawley) That's fucking rare. I requested it medium!

It was medium-rare for me, chef.

You're fucking miles off! And each and every one in your fucking team said it's undercooked! Just get it in the oven!!

Yes, chef.

It's fucking raw.

Yeah, that's no good.

Everybody, come here a minute! Just touch that! I requested it rare!

Raw.

There's a big fucking difference between rare and raw! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SCOTT?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON?

Nothing chef.

(interview) Scott fucked up twice; he destroyed us tonight. He should be gone.

(interview) Scott tries to be the leader, the best, bla-bla-bla, but that was still mooing.

It's bright white fat! It's fucking raw!

How long, Scott?

I need 3 minutes, okay?

Fuck off, okay?!

What's your dish?

(sighs) We have blood sausage with a prune purée.

Already you look negative.

I'm not pleased with the plate, that's why I don't look happy. I'm really, really not.

Ugh, that's shit. Who in the fuck chose prunes with blood sausage? Talk to me, red team!

(interview) It was his decision to put those items together on the plate, and Scott's trying not to own up to it.

It went completely wrong.

Understatement of the year!

(interview) I knew it. I'd rather have just gone up there with an empty plate, like "voilà, chef!"

That's a fucking disaster. (throws the plate away)

D'oh!

Right, Benjamin. What is that?

We have a pan-roasted pork loin, drizzled with thyme, star anise and baby bok choi. (interview) The dish that we did was a beautiful dish. The pork was fucking gorgeous.

That was delicious. Just... phenomenal.

(interview) I mean, I would have made love to it right there.

Maria, what is that?

You know, when we had sweet potato, I was like, "sweet potato soup," and then ham-hock, and then we do a honey-infused oil. We put another pan over it and let it pressure cook, and like, one sprig again, of thyme, we just let it marinade. Not, like, a lot. At all.

Breathe.

(interview) I don't know, maybe I talk a little too much. I don't know if it's just flat-out a lack of self-control. It's just outrageous. Look at me now, I can't even stop myself.

Nice soup. The winning dish? (looks at Maria) Congratulations... (Maria smiles) ...you've just screwed your team! (Maria looks upset) Listen to me. I asked for the hamhock as the main ingredient. And you're serving me a sweet potato soup garnished with a spoonful of ham-hock? Blue team, congratulations. Back in line!

(interview) Wonderful. Idiot, I'm an idiot.

Let's go. (looks at the ticket) Oh, Jesus. What is that there? What does that say? What - what - you went to school, right?

No, chef.

(shocked) You didn't go to school?

No, chef.

What were you doing?

Came to America because my family needed me, needed money.

So what were you doing when you didn't go to school?

Working every day, chef, to feed - to help my father and my mom's bills.

Thank you for being honest.

I was being honest, chef.

Just take your time!

How long's he been cooking this for? Scott: this chicken is like something from outer space. Just feel it a little bit. It's cooked to fuck! It's like something from a leftover fast food joint, Scott! Pathetic.

(interview) Scott's got the most experience, but he still screwed up the whole chicken section. I mean, just a complete disaster.

[Scott opens the oven door] Blackened bullshit chicken. [sees Maria next to the open oven] Oh my God. Close the fucking oven door! [goes over to Scott's station and closes the oven door] I don't want a conversation going on with the oven door open. She's (Maria) going to come pass with a fucking pan, walking back and BANG! One fuckin' arm in the fryer, one in the fuckin' stove! Now STOP IT!!

Yes chef.

(interview) He was working so dangerous, Scott. He should've known better.

We never cook with the door open! Health and fucking safety!

This is the worst fucking night of my life right now. (interview) I feel miserable right now. Thank god nobody got hurt.

We're now the most dangerous kitchen in the fucking country!

Oh dear. All of you come here! ALL OF YOU! [Shows Siobhan that the burger is raw]

That's my fault. Completely my fault. It was the last one I did.

[smashes the burger 4 times] IT'S FUCKING RAW!

I should've asked - I needed more time.

STOP! Time's up. Enough is enough! Fucking shut it down!

What's the matter?

Doesn't want the dates.

Why?

Because I sold the - I wrote down dates and they wanted shrimp.

So you're lying to me. You fucked up the order.

Not intentionally.

Not intent - Come in here you! Come in! Come in! COME IN!!

(interview) Surprise! I screwed up, again. [enters the blue kitchen] I wrote down shrimp and they wanted dates. Er, I wrote down dates and they wanted shrimp.

Okay.

Basically, she fucked up the order! Yeah, she fucked up the order. [Throws the dates in the bin] Fucking bullshit!

With the clock running out on their two hours...

Come on guys, you got 25 minutes to go yes?

...the blue team is moving quickly but not carefully.

[finds fried chicken along with fries in the fryer] All of you, come here! [gets the fryer and slams it on the stove] So who's the fucking smart-arse? Who's the fucking smart-arse?

I put the chicken in there chef.

What, with the fries?

I just dropped the chicken in the fries chef.

Let's go! Go with the chicken! Come on!

Jason! Jason, look at me!

Yes, chef! I'm looking.

It's not fucking good enough!

Yes, chef!

It's a fucking fine dining restaurant, yeah? Not a fucking fast food pick up joint! Get the fries out of there first, then put your fucking chicken in there!

Yes, chef.

Thank you!

The fries weren't done, chef.

The fries are a fucking side! Get your chicken going and get the fucking - Listen to me Jason!

I'M LISTENING CHEF!

THEN DO IT THEN! DO IT!

I'M DOING IT CHEF!! I don't want to put up with this fucked-up ass bullshit. It's fuckin' crazy. I don't give a fuck. Fuck it.

[tonight is family night] Now, there's going to be a lot of children. Don't make me fucking swear tonight!

Where's the spaghetti? Who's cooking the spaghetti?

I don't know. Is the spaghetti coming out?

What do you mean, "I don't know"? Why aren't you discussing it together? Fucking hell, first ticket. Who's cooking the spaghetti?

[points at Scott] They are.

[to Scott and Siobhan] Ah - come here, you and you, come here, both of you - fuck off will you. [walks into the blue kitchen] Who's cooking the spaghetti?

I am, chef.

Thank you, why?

Because the garnish does sides.

Tell those fucking muppets!

Garnish is cooking the spaghetti.

Got it. I need to cook the spaghetti. (interview) Pasta? No one told me I was cooking pasta on my side!

I got the spaghetti down right now.

Siobhan, step one, pasta doesn't cook unless the fucking water's boiling. Pasta does not cook unless the water is...

...boiling. My fault.

(interview) Come on! Hello? Is this brain surgery? It's pasta.

Hey red team, what are we doing? We're going to hold up the whole fucking dining room because we're waiting on fucking spaghetti! Get a grip. You need to wake up!

Yes.

Oh fuck me. Not tonight.

But Salvatore has a question.

Chef, did you say one risotto? One risotto, one capellini?

Two risottos, one capellini, one truffle salad.

Yes, chef.

Let's go. How long?

One minute chef.

Let's go!

Yes, chef.

Have you got enough in there for two?

I got it. [puts more rice in the pan]

Why are you putting more rice in there? Is that because you just found out there's two risotto?

No, no, no.

Oh, my God! Hey, blue team, come here, all of you! The risotto's one minute away from being cooked. He realises we're one portion short. Then they start dumping fresh rice in there. Who's smart idea was that?

It was my idea chef.

Why didn't you tell me then?

I apologize, chef.

Salvatore, working with a cook who tells lies is 10,000 times worse than dealing with a chef who can't cook! You just lost my trust! How dare you? PATHETIC! Benjamin, watch him; the guy's a fucking liability.

Yes, chef. (interview) You don't lie to your chefs and you don't lie to your fellow cooks. That's like a fucking no-no.

Salvatore, now we should start the whole fucking lot again!

Yes, chef.

Nilka, where's the risotto?

Right here chef.

Nilka, no lobster!

Oh shit! I thought I put lobster in there chef.

Hey madam, you're cursing in front of the children. Hey look at me, I need you to wake up rapidly. Just cook!

Say no more.

With Nilka's risotto stalling the red kitchen, Jean-Philippe distracts the customers.

[goes over to where a little girl is coloring a picture of Gordon on her menu and adding the quote "YOU DONKEY!"] Let me have a look at it. What's on there?

"You donkey."

Yeah but it's not my picture, who's picture is that? Chef Ramsay and you call him donkey.

No, he says it.

Well, whatever Chef Ramsay says now and then, don't use it.

I won't.

When he's out of the kitchen, I keep reminding him, "Chef, you can't do that."

Fran! Fuck! They're overcooked, Fran! Come here! They're rubber, just touch! That's rubber! That's burned to fuck!

(interview) Can't cook freaking scallops? You know, I don't understand.

This is shambolic! It's a disaster! I swear to god, I'll throw every one of you out of here and Andi and I will do the fucking service because this is bullshit!

This shit is just fucked up!

So much for no fucking swearing.