“Episode Six” quotes from Hell's Kitchen

[tonight is family night] Now, there's going to be a lot of children. Don't make me fucking swear tonight!

Where's the spaghetti? Who's cooking the spaghetti?

I don't know. Is the spaghetti coming out?

What do you mean, "I don't know"? Why aren't you discussing it together? Fucking hell, first ticket. Who's cooking the spaghetti?

[points at Scott] They are.

[to Scott and Siobhan] Ah - come here, you and you, come here, both of you - fuck off will you. [walks into the blue kitchen] Who's cooking the spaghetti?

I am, chef.

Thank you, why?

Because the garnish does sides.

Tell those fucking muppets!

Garnish is cooking the spaghetti.

Got it. I need to cook the spaghetti. (interview) Pasta? No one told me I was cooking pasta on my side!

I got the spaghetti down right now.

Siobhan, step one, pasta doesn't cook unless the fucking water's boiling. Pasta does not cook unless the water is...

...boiling. My fault.

(interview) Come on! Hello? Is this brain surgery? It's pasta.

Hey red team, what are we doing? We're going to hold up the whole fucking dining room because we're waiting on fucking spaghetti! Get a grip. You need to wake up!

Yes.

Oh fuck me. Not tonight.

But Salvatore has a question.

Chef, did you say one risotto? One risotto, one capellini?

Two risottos, one capellini, one truffle salad.

Yes, chef.

Let's go. How long?

One minute chef.

Let's go!

Yes, chef.

Have you got enough in there for two?

I got it. [puts more rice in the pan]

Why are you putting more rice in there? Is that because you just found out there's two risotto?

No, no, no.

Oh, my God! Hey, blue team, come here, all of you! The risotto's one minute away from being cooked. He realises we're one portion short. Then they start dumping fresh rice in there. Who's smart idea was that?

It was my idea chef.

Why didn't you tell me then?

I apologize, chef.

Salvatore, working with a cook who tells lies is 10,000 times worse than dealing with a chef who can't cook! You just lost my trust! How dare you? PATHETIC! Benjamin, watch him; the guy's a fucking liability.

Yes, chef. (interview) You don't lie to your chefs and you don't lie to your fellow cooks. That's like a fucking no-no.

Salvatore, now we should start the whole fucking lot again!

Yes, chef.

Nilka, where's the risotto?

Right here chef.

Nilka, no lobster!

Oh shit! I thought I put lobster in there chef.

Hey madam, you're cursing in front of the children. Hey look at me, I need you to wake up rapidly. Just cook!

Say no more.

With Nilka's risotto stalling the red kitchen, Jean-Philippe distracts the customers.

[goes over to where a little girl is coloring a picture of Gordon on her menu and adding the quote "YOU DONKEY!"] Let me have a look at it. What's on there?

"You donkey."

Yeah but it's not my picture, who's picture is that? Chef Ramsay and you call him donkey.

No, he says it.

Well, whatever Chef Ramsay says now and then, don't use it.

I won't.

When he's out of the kitchen, I keep reminding him, "Chef, you can't do that."

Fran! Fuck! They're overcooked, Fran! Come here! They're rubber, just touch! That's rubber! That's burned to fuck!

(interview) Can't cook freaking scallops? You know, I don't understand.

This is shambolic! It's a disaster! I swear to god, I'll throw every one of you out of here and Andi and I will do the fucking service because this is bullshit!

This shit is just fucked up!

So much for no fucking swearing.

Ohh, fucking hell. Oh, I just... I don't know where to fucking go! (throws his spoon away) I can't take it much more. I can't take it. It's not even pink, it's not even cooked... (Scott tries to retrieve the wellingtons) Just PUT IT DOWN! AND TOUCH IT! Are you colorblind?

No, chef.

GET THEM IN THE OVEN! Come here, you! (leads Scott to the pantry and slams the door) WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

Nothing chef.

BUT YOU KNOW IT'S NOT EVEN COOKED, IT'S RAW, SCOTT! IT'S STONE-COLD IN THE MIDDLE!

Okay chef. No problem. It won't happen again. I promise. I promise.

All of you! ALL OF YOU! (Gordon interrupts Holli) That's you ditsy!

For one simple question.

Is that the best roast chicken and is that the best fucking beef requested mid-rare? (grabs Siobhan's hand) I want you to touch it. I want you to touch it! Touch it! Touch it! Touch fucking IT! (throws spoon away)

No.

No, no it's not. The chicken's dry.

Where's the gratin on top?

It got pulled off. It was on there before.

No, it wasn't.

Look at me! Is that the best?

No, chef.

Is that the best?

No, chef.

Is that the best?

No, chef.

Do me a favour: FUCK OFF, ALL OF YOU! GET OUT! GET OUT! And don't you dare switch it off, I'll finish it! Fuck off!

I would love to stay an-

GET OUT! OUT! GET OUT! (throws the chicken into one of the units) GET OUT!

(to herself) I'm sick of this shit.

[follows the red team] GET OUT!

That's really embarrassing. What happened?

[goes into the blue kitchen] Scott, come in here with me and I'll finish this one, please, yeah?

Okay.

Now, Chef Ramsay and his trusted sous chefs, Scott and Andi, will complete the red kitchen's dinner service.

Three spaghetti, one tagliatelle, yes?

Three spaghetti, one t- (sees the mess that the Red team left) Oh, my god! What the fuck did they do to this place?

Yeah, I know.

Wow, they're really bad, huh?

Yep.

While the blue team gets out all the desserts, Chef Ramsay calls the red team back to the kitchen.

All your entrées are served, everything's done. Now come back and do something you're good at, fucking cleaning! At least you'll do something as a team!

The Red Team lost, but there seems to be some confusion as who the nominees should be.

Who is the best chef on the Red Team?

Chef, I feel like I'm the best.

Absolutely not! You just take over and say "Oh well, I did this, I did that!" You want to gloat and rub it in our faces. It's bullshit!

It's not gloating or rubbing it in your face, it's just letting you know the truth.

We don't need to hear it! We've been doing it before you.

None of you guys work in fine dining restaurants.

You could have surprised us, the way you've produced over the last two days.

Oh, thank you Fran. You as well, you've had a pretty easy ride the whole way through.

Yeah?

Injure your hand a little bit, and you get treated like a little fucking princess.

Oh, yeah, okay.

(rolls eyes) Wow. Great team-work there!

Siobhan, why do you think you should you stay in Hell's Kitchen?

I take pride in my work, and I put my best effort forward. I use that little bit of knowledge I have, I have passion, and I ask a lot of questions...

(interrupting Siobhan) You shouldn't be asking simple fucking questions! It should take care of itself. This isn't culinary school, the common-sense things are driving the red team down, big time.

Scott, why are you back here?

I was voted up, Chef. I don't agree with it. I've had a tough couple of services, but I'm a hard worker. Obviously, you know that. I just bust ass every day, I have a calmness about me every day, no matter what the stresses bring. By no means, I'm not the worst cook in this team by far, I'm the best cook in this team, the best leader in this team, I can accomplish...

(interrupting Scott) I can't take it any more.

Fran.

Yes, chef?

Siobhan. Fuck off back in line.

This team will fucking die if I'm not here.

Scott, give me your jacket. I can't take it any more. I cannot take it. (shakes Scott's hand as Scott leaves) I kept waiting and I waited and waited, but it didn't happen. Good night.

Good night, Chef.

If Scott could cook as well as he talks, he'd be the winner of Hell's Kitchen. Unfortunately for him, he can't.