Michael Langdon quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Taste that. How hot is that?

Spicy, spicy.

(returns to the workstation and spits pasta out) All of you, taste that! It's too spicy, and it's disgusting! [throws his spoon away on the workstation]

(takes capellini away) Trash.

And again, scallops cooked beautifully.

(interview) What the fuck is going on? It's like déjà vu in this motherfucker.

(to Zach) How many times have you cooked scallops tonight and not served them?

Twice, chef.

Sorry, bro.

Sebastian, get it together!

Yes, chef!

Come on guys, let's go.

Okay, Mikey-Wikey. (interview) I messed up a few times, but I'm getting in with the groove, I'm playing around, trying to make the environment a little bit looser.

Zacky, talk to me.

(to Michael) We've got three halibut, one branzino.

Zacky-Wacky! [Gordon hears this]

(to Sebastian) Hey, you! Hey, come here, you. “Zacky-Wacky?”

(trying to correct himself) Chef Zach!

Hey, look at me. Hey, look. Is this a fucking joke?

No, chef.

“Zacky-Wacky?!”

Sorry, I apologize about that, chef.

Yeah, do me a favor. GET OUT!

Yes, chef.

Fuck off, will you? Get out!

Yes, chef.

Upstairs, GET OUT!

(interview) So Sebastian gets kicked out. Who didn’t see that coming?

(still thinking about it) “Zacky-Wacky?”

What are you doing? [Sebastian shushes him]

(interview) Where the hell are you going, Sebastian? Okay, yeah, you can come back.

Second time! GET OUT!

(interview) God, are you kidding me?

Fuck off! Wacky!

The blue team is now down a chef - and it's up to Jon to handle the appetizer station solo.

I need two minutes, please.

Lamb! Come on, Michael! Bit of energy!

[brings his lamb to the pass] Yes, chef.

[checks the lamb; returns to the workstation] Terrible. And embarrassing.

Oh, God. (interview) Fuck, it's coming back.

Timeout! Stop!

Fuck!

The bone, thicker than the fucking meat.

(interview) There needs to be meat on there! This is not a fucking dog's chew toy! This is lamb!

And if that's not bad enough... [Shows the wellington, which is cremated]

Fuck!

...they're way overcooked!

Horrible. Fuck!

(interview) Michael and Barret, dumb and dumber!

You don't slice the wellington until the lamb's ready.

Yes, chef.

And when it's together like-- (sees Sebastian) Oh, you!

Chef, can I please come back, chef?

(interview) Dude, really? What are you doing? Perfect fucking timing!

You, you come here, you. You're making me look stupid.

No, chef.

The blue team, one hour into service and not one entrée out. You (Sebastian), for the last time, take him (Barret) and him (Michael)...and get out! And let me tell you something, you come back downstairs again, you'll be leaving through the front door. Now GET OUT! Three of you! You (Ray), on meat.

Yes, chef.

You (Anthony), on meat.

Yes, chef.

Oi! GET OUT!

(interview) Now I'm pissed off. I didn't do anything to get kicked out of this dinner service. (angrily throws his apron)

Lamb?

(slices his lamb; finds that it's rare) Dude, this is under. I can't send this.

Lamb?

Walk with the lamb, please.

Lamb is not done yet chef.

Oh, fuck off! Christ almighty!

It's still rare in the middle. The middle is rare, the outside are good.

Oh, fuck me.

We have to fire an all new garnish.

(interview, mocking Michael) Waaaaah! The lamb's not cooked! Waaaaah!

Brand new garnish.

(interview) Michael, just sit there and wait! I got it!

Where is this fucking lamb?

Right here chef.

There's the fucking plates! Two minutes been sat there dressed!

Lamb is being cut. It's on its way.

Walking lamb. Behind. (brings his lamb to the pass)

It's there! Hey Bozo That's how open the fucking gap for you!

Yes, chef. Two lamb chef.

(interview) Yelling over, problem solved. Right?

[points to Dan] YOU! HEY, STRING-BEAN! COME HERE!

Yes, chef!

(interview) Wrong.

(raises a chewed up piece of lamb) What the fuck is that?!

Get lamb going now.

What is that? [Dan doesn't answer] Wha... WHAT IS THAT?

Shit, chef.

This needs one more minute in the oven, and that bit there should be a fucking dog's chew!

Yes, chef.

Lamb? Where is the lamb?

I'll just bring it up, chef. A minute left, chef.

Come on, I'm going to lose those garnish.

A minute away. Garnish is done.

(interview) I'm doing fucking 50,000 things right now, and Dan is failing at the one fucking task that he has. I need a lamb.

(slices his lamb) Zach?

How the fuck?

(interview) Okay, the lamb wasn't cooking fast enough. What the fuck do you want me to do about it other than to put it in the damn oven. [puts his lamb in the oven]

(to Dan) Dan, real time. How long?

(to Zach) How long?

YOU JUST LOOK AT THE FUCKING LAMB! HOW LONG? [goes to the oven] OH, JESUS! FUCK! (interview) Then he asks Zach how long? Are you kidding me? How does that go? (to Dan) Get the fuck out of here! Get out! (interview) Really, if he lays one fucking finger on me, I'm going to beat him all over the fucking room! I don't care if I walk off and go to jail tonight!

(to Dan) Hey, don't stand there!

(to Dan and Michael) Hey, come on! Split it up! [Michael bumps Dan out of his way]

(to Michael) Don't fucking bump me again!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

(interview) Don't bump me! You ain't shit! You want to fucking fight? Come get it!

(to Michael) Hey, hey, hey you! (to Dan) Hey you, HEY FUCK-WIT! Come here you! Come here! [leads Dan and Michael to the pantry]

(interview) Wooo-hoo! Someone's getting it down.

[angrily slams the door] WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH YOU TWO?

(to Dan) You got to talk to me, bro. That's it.

Alright.

You got to fucking talk to me!

Stop yelling at me.

No, fuck you! Talk to me or get the fuck out and go home!

(to Dan) You're throwing him under the bus all the fucking time!

Don't be sorry, dude!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Don't be sorry!

Look at him and talk at each other!

I'll fix it! I'm sorry!

Let's do it! Come on!

They're fucking raw. Fuck off. (to the Blue team) Hey, raw New York!

Oh, fuck me. (interview) Oh, my God. He just can't catch a break.

(to Ray) Come here, you. Just fucking come here! Who cooked it?

I---.

ANSWER!!!

I did, chef. I cooked it. I'll take it. I did, chef.

This is where it goes so fucking badly! It's not even red in there!

I understand, chef.

Two of you on the section! [knocks his hand on the workstation] Do you have any fight left?!

Michael, make another one!

I'm going to cook. I'm going to cook.

(interview) Ray, Michael. Pull your heads out of your asses and cook the fucking meat!

Here, I got the fucking New York strip, okay?

I got it on.

Don't rush the steaks.

(interview) Ray, please stop talking. Let me fucking cook the meat. I got it.

How long for that New York strip?

Three and a half, chef.

Oh, fuck! Take the table back. Oh, fuck me. (gives the tray of entrées to Ray) Ray, hey. Fuck off. Take that. Take it. A fucking joke!