Dan quotes from Hell's Kitchen

(Interview) About time! And the best part is: Look what I got! (Holds up his chef jacket up as he is now off probation, and heckles)

[Looking at Dan's dish] OK, uh...seriously? Did you throw up on that plate? [audience "oohs"] Let's go back 45 minutes.

OK.

What is it supposed to be?

Eggs Benedict with a champagne hollandaise sauce, sourdough bread, heirloom tomatoes, and sautéed spinach.

And how did you make the hollandaise?

Uh, I used whole butter. If it's good enough for Julia Child, it's good enough for me.

Julia Child would be turning in her grave right now if she saw that. (tastes) It's fitting that you made this in Vegas because whoever eats that is sure to get the craps. Let me tell you. That is a joke.

Taste that. How hot is that?

Spicy, spicy.

(returns to the workstation and spits pasta out) All of you, taste that! It's too spicy, and it's disgusting! [throws his spoon away on the workstation]

(takes capellini away) Trash.

And again, scallops cooked beautifully.

(interview) What the fuck is going on? It's like déjà vu in this motherfucker.

(to Zach) How many times have you cooked scallops tonight and not served them?

Twice, chef.

Sorry, bro.

Sebastian, get it together!

Yes, chef!

Come on guys, let's go.

Okay, Mikey-Wikey. (interview) I messed up a few times, but I'm getting in with the groove, I'm playing around, trying to make the environment a little bit looser.

Zacky, talk to me.

(to Michael) We've got three halibut, one branzino.

Zacky-Wacky! [Gordon hears this]

(to Sebastian) Hey, you! Hey, come here, you. “Zacky-Wacky?”

(trying to correct himself) Chef Zach!

Hey, look at me. Hey, look. Is this a fucking joke?

No, chef.

“Zacky-Wacky?!”

Sorry, I apologize about that, chef.

Yeah, do me a favor. GET OUT!

Yes, chef.

Fuck off, will you? Get out!

Yes, chef.

Upstairs, GET OUT!

(interview) So Sebastian gets kicked out. Who didn’t see that coming?

(still thinking about it) “Zacky-Wacky?”

What are you doing? [Sebastian shushes him]

(interview) Where the hell are you going, Sebastian? Okay, yeah, you can come back.

Second time! GET OUT!

(interview) God, are you kidding me?

Fuck off! Wacky!

The blue team is now down a chef - and it's up to Jon to handle the appetizer station solo.

I need two minutes, please.

Lamb! Come on, Michael! Bit of energy!

[brings his lamb to the pass] Yes, chef.

[checks the lamb; returns to the workstation] Terrible. And embarrassing.

Oh, God. (interview) Fuck, it's coming back.

Timeout! Stop!

Fuck!

The bone, thicker than the fucking meat.

(interview) There needs to be meat on there! This is not a fucking dog's chew toy! This is lamb!

And if that's not bad enough... [Shows the wellington, which is cremated]

Fuck!

...they're way overcooked!

Horrible. Fuck!

(interview) Michael and Barret, dumb and dumber!

You don't slice the wellington until the lamb's ready.

Yes, chef.

And when it's together like-- (sees Sebastian) Oh, you!

Chef, can I please come back, chef?

(interview) Dude, really? What are you doing? Perfect fucking timing!

You, you come here, you. You're making me look stupid.

No, chef.

The blue team, one hour into service and not one entrée out. You (Sebastian), for the last time, take him (Barret) and him (Michael)...and get out! And let me tell you something, you come back downstairs again, you'll be leaving through the front door. Now GET OUT! Three of you! You (Ray), on meat.

Yes, chef.

You (Anthony), on meat.

Yes, chef.

Oi! GET OUT!

(interview) Now I'm pissed off. I didn't do anything to get kicked out of this dinner service. (angrily throws his apron)

Three halibut, one bass, one chicken. Come on, guys!

Yes, chef.

(interview) I'm looking at Jeremy sautéing off kale. I can see the kale literally catching fire, getting burnt!

Chef, turn that down some, chef.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, don't even serve that.

I'm not. Worry about your side, let me do my side, yeah?

(interview) Motherfucker, what?

Hey, no territory bullshit!

(interview) It's my station, and I don't need his help. So shut up and do what you're supposed to be doing.

Un-fucking-believable.

Can we go with three halibut, one bass, one chicken?

Seven minutes to the window.

(to Jeremy) What are we going with?

Two--two halibut, one chicken, chef.

Three halibut!

Three halibut, one chicken, chef.

Three halibut, one bass, one chicken! What are we going with?

(starts stuttering) The three, sleep, the three, three halibut, the two, two, uhh...

(interview) Jeremy, he's telling it to you! Just say it right back, man! Pretty sure birds can do that!

Three halibut, one bass, one chicken. What's going?

The three halibut, two f..., two, uh...

GET OUT!

(interview) Bye-bye, Jeremy! [laughs, Jeremy throws his apron as he leaves the kitchen]

VIP table, NBA player. The risotto is too hard.

[returns and slams the risotto on the workstation] Risotto, a VIP table. Rice is fucking undercooked. [Ray places a pan underneath the workstation] Hey, he's a bit-- (to Ray) Hey, come here you. Give me that pan. [shows an overcooked risotto to the Blue team]

That one--

What are you doing? Wha-wha-wha-- Just what in the fuck are you doing?

(interview) Things are rolling, risotto goes out, awesome. Perfect good, good start.

[slams the pan on the workstation] That's burned and that's hard! [gets and slams the plate on the pan]

I'll put another one in chef.

(interview) Risotto comes back, awesome. Perfect, [deflated tone] this is what we do.

(knocks his hand on the workstation; to Ray) You, grand-dad! Come on! this is a pick up now!

Ten seconds, chef. Right here, chef.

(interview) Chef Ray, watch your motherfucking self and you'd better not make any more mistakes under the fucking sun. You hear me?

KEEP THE FUCKING PAN DOWN!

Yes, chef. I understand, chef.

MOVE, RAY!

Sorry.

(interview) Ray, get your head out of your ass and get this risotto out. We're waiting on you. Waiting on Ray!

Stop! Risotto tastes delicious! (to Ray) Now you've raised the bar.

Thank you, chef.

Hey, don't piss your pants! Just stay focused!

I won't, chef. Yes, chef.

Lamb?

(slices his lamb; finds that it's rare) Dude, this is under. I can't send this.

Lamb?

Walk with the lamb, please.

Lamb is not done yet chef.

Oh, fuck off! Christ almighty!

It's still rare in the middle. The middle is rare, the outside are good.

Oh, fuck me.

We have to fire an all new garnish.

(interview, mocking Michael) Waaaaah! The lamb's not cooked! Waaaaah!

Brand new garnish.

(interview) Michael, just sit there and wait! I got it!

Where is this fucking lamb?

Right here chef.

There's the fucking plates! Two minutes been sat there dressed!

Lamb is being cut. It's on its way.

Walking lamb. Behind. (brings his lamb to the pass)

It's there! Hey Bozo That's how open the fucking gap for you!

Yes, chef. Two lamb chef.

(interview) Yelling over, problem solved. Right?

[points to Dan] YOU! HEY, STRING-BEAN! COME HERE!

Yes, chef!

(interview) Wrong.

(raises a chewed up piece of lamb) What the fuck is that?!

Get lamb going now.

What is that? [Dan doesn't answer] Wha... WHAT IS THAT?

Shit, chef.

This needs one more minute in the oven, and that bit there should be a fucking dog's chew!

Yes, chef.

Lamb? Where is the lamb?

I'll just bring it up, chef. A minute left, chef.

Come on, I'm going to lose those garnish.

A minute away. Garnish is done.

(interview) I'm doing fucking 50,000 things right now, and Dan is failing at the one fucking task that he has. I need a lamb.

(slices his lamb) Zach?

How the fuck?

(interview) Okay, the lamb wasn't cooking fast enough. What the fuck do you want me to do about it other than to put it in the damn oven. [puts his lamb in the oven]

(to Dan) Dan, real time. How long?

(to Zach) How long?

YOU JUST LOOK AT THE FUCKING LAMB! HOW LONG? [goes to the oven] OH, JESUS! FUCK! (interview) Then he asks Zach how long? Are you kidding me? How does that go? (to Dan) Get the fuck out of here! Get out! (interview) Really, if he lays one fucking finger on me, I'm going to beat him all over the fucking room! I don't care if I walk off and go to jail tonight!

(to Dan) Hey, don't stand there!

(to Dan and Michael) Hey, come on! Split it up! [Michael bumps Dan out of his way]

(to Michael) Don't fucking bump me again!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

(interview) Don't bump me! You ain't shit! You want to fucking fight? Come get it!

(to Michael) Hey, hey, hey you! (to Dan) Hey you, HEY FUCK-WIT! Come here you! Come here! [leads Dan and Michael to the pantry]

(interview) Wooo-hoo! Someone's getting it down.

[angrily slams the door] WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH YOU TWO?

(to Dan) You got to talk to me, bro. That's it.

Alright.

You got to fucking talk to me!

Stop yelling at me.

No, fuck you! Talk to me or get the fuck out and go home!

(to Dan) You're throwing him under the bus all the fucking time!

Don't be sorry, dude!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Don't be sorry!

Look at him and talk at each other!

I'll fix it! I'm sorry!

Let's do it! Come on!

While Nedra begs forgiveness in the dining room, back in the Blue kitchen,

Where is the fucking halibut?!

Coming up chef.

Come on, guys! Push it!

(to Ray) Let's go, come on. Get those up.

Ray hurries to deliver his third attempt at the same order of fish.

WHERE IS IT?

(to Dan) Bring that up.

Got it right here, chef. [brings Ray's halibut to the pass]

Come on, come on. Go with that, good job.

Please be cooked. For the love of God, be cooked.

[checks Ray's halibut] Wellington's beautifully cooked, pork's beautifully cooked.

Thank you, chef.

But I have a problem. [returns to the workstation] I have a big fucking problem—YES, I DO!! [angrily knocks his hand on the workstation] MERDE!

Fuck me!

THIS IS RAW!

Oh, my God!

Oh, fuck me!

THIS IS RAW!

(interview) Not again! Dammit, this can't be happening! (to Ray) Come on, Ray!

IT'S JUST RAW! [angrily knocks his hand on the workstation]

(to Ray) Get three more going. Get three more going. Put them in the oven.

IT'S FUCKED!

(interview) We're going down in flames! Titanic ain't got SHIT on us!

I'M DONE! (points to every member of the Blue team) You, you, you, you, you, you, GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

(interview) I was doing good, dammit.

Did I not say that we're done? I will let you fucking know when you fucking keep leaving in it. (interview) Dan, just leave it alone. I had it fucking perfect.

(Storms into the blue team's dorm with raw halibut) Hey, where are you guys?

Right here, Chef.

I spent 18 hours with you guys today, I give you everything I got, and that's the bullshit you're going to give me in front of Chef Ramsay? Make me look like a dickhead in front of a dining room full of people! I'm beside myself right now with that! I can't look at you guys anymore.

All of you, come here.

(interview) Fuck!

(points to a table of senior women) See those six glamourous ladies, slightly older? Yeah. And look.

Oh.

Oh, my God!

(gets a parchment paper from a halibut) The paper.

(to Barret) You left the parchment on there, man?

(interview) What, you trying to kill people? By the time you swallow it, it's too late. You're on the floor with Jean-Philippe doing CPR on you. [scoffs] Who the fuck want that?

(quietly to Barret) Hey, come here you. It's not a fucking joke. You should be ashamed.

I am. I am ashamed. (interview) Tonight of all nights, I'm just praying that we didn't lose the dinner service.

Paper to a senior! [crosses to the Red kitchen out of disgust]

That's burned. (returns to the workstation) Fuck you all! [knocks the workstation] Damn! Come here, all of you! Come on! Hey look, there's no garnish around there and that's the biggest bit. Look at that there.

Fuck me!

(raises the pizza and drops it) For kids, and kids, fucking kids!

(interview) Dan is like a monkey wrench in a machine. You're killing me, man!

Start again and get it together!

Yes, chef!

Stone-cold. Hey, all of you. (points to Ray) You first, fuck-wit! Come here!

Oh, fuck! (interview) No, this can't be happening.

Just touch that. Just touch the burger.

Oh, it's fucked, chef.

[angrily throws the burger on the workstation] Whose table is that?

(interview) A cold cheeseburger. How the hell does something like that happen?!

That's my family.

(interview) He just brought a perfect storm our way. Thanks, dude.

At this stage of the game, I don't expect the "I'm sorry!" IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! [knocks his hand on the workstation] IT'S FUCKED!!

I have another one chef.

(interview) Get it together, man. A cold burger?

(to Ray) Hey, you have the audacity to send that to my son! I wouldn't do that to your family!

Totally my fault, chef.