Happy Endings quotes

Jane

Um I'm gonna need vodka in a water glass with ice and I'm gonna be ordering water from you all night long so... one... water, please.

Did we start already or do you really want water?

Jane

Just bring me vodka.

Penny

Thanks for coming everybody. It feels like only yesterday that I was born during the 1984 Olympics, a young Jewess, 26 years ago.

Brad

Wow.

Penny

Rollerblades?

Max

Even I think rollerblades are gay. And I had sex with a dude last night.

Max

Half black's God's Photoshop. Worst-case scenario you're looking at the chick from Avatar.

Jane

She's blue.

Max

Are you part of the conspiracy? Are you all doing this because you think l'm chubby? My doctor says l retain water like a pregnant woman in a humid climate, which is a real condition.

Penny

[on her semester abroad in Florence] Ah, those sweet Chianti-soaked nights, strolling the banks of the Arno, meeting amazing people from all over the Big 10.

Penny

Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I speak Italian!

Alex

[her face and hands smeared with sauce] Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I eat ribs!

Max

[acting as a tour guide with his limo] Welcome to Chicago! Now here's a fun fact. Chicago was originally nicknamed the Window City, but another city had that nickname first, so, thanks a lot, Omaha!

Really? That doesn't sound right.

Max

Aah ...

Jane

Yes, it is true. We are from Omaha, and that is a true fact. We are called the Window City because of our famous Window Museum. It's a lot of looking right through other parts of the museum.

Max

You guys watching Marty's show, Boardwalk Empire?

Jane

Marty?

Max

Marty Scorsese.

Dave

Martin Scorsese. You can't call him that. You're not his buddy.

Max

I'm sorry, I like to call celebrities by the name they prefer: Bobby De Niro, Sandy Bullock, Eddie Jimmy Olmos.

Dave

Have you ever felt like the Big Mac wasn't big enough? Or the foot long wasn't feet long enough? Well, have no fear, ladies and gentlemen, and feast your eyes upon [Max removes the cover from the plate] steaktanic! Two pounds of meat.

Max

Steaktanic.

Dave

One liter of garlic aeoli.

Max

Steaktanic.

Dave

A half a block of smoked Gouda. Three layers of lettuce ... iceberg, dead ahead.

Jane

Wow, that is disgusting ... and illegal, I think.

Max

Steaktanic.

Penny

[to Jane] I don't even understand what you're raising money for. Animals for Change. Are you trying to genetically modify animals?

Brad

I want a teacup rhino.

Jane

"Animals for Change" helps to protect endangered species. Except for pandas. They have plenty of money. They are like the breast cancer of animal charities.

Penny

Okay, so someone else will be crafting your opening remarks.

Alex

Woo! I'm so excited. An intervention? It's like having a surprise party for someone that's going to hate you.

Alex

Hello filthies. Look who I ran into at my new favorite vegan eatery "Café Thankful".

Penny

Avi...

Namaste, Penny.

Alex

Turns out we're both into cleanses.

My cleanse is pretty next level. I'm only eating clear foods, and I've given up all sexual intimacies. That's right, y'all. Avi's celibate.

Penny

Are you sure that's a choice, Avi?

Good dig. But jealousy is not a sweat pant that fits you well.

Max

Bu-bu-burn!

Alex

[goes for a high five] Oh yeah...

Please, don't touch me! I'll explode like a water bottle on a cross country flight to Albuquerque.

Max

Where's that flight from?

JFK.

Penny

Get out of my bed room!

Max

You know what I was thinking about? If Mary Tyler Moore married and then divorced Steven Tyler, then married and divorced Michael Moore, then got into a three-way lesbian marriage with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, would she go by the name Mary Tyler Moore Tyler Moore Moore Moore? Hm.

Jane

You know that I love a Penny pile-on as much as the next slut but that was a massive fall and we should all thank our lucky stars that Penny made it out unscathed.

Penny

Uh friendos...I did not make it out unscathed. I am extremely scathed!