Alex Kerkovich quotes from Happy Endings

Alex

Woo! I'm so excited. An intervention? It's like having a surprise party for someone that's going to hate you.

Alex

Trust us, the last thing we want is for things to get complicated like in It’s Complicated so we’re just gonna go with it, like in Just Go with It and just be friends with benefits like in No Strings Attached!

Alex

Recycle? What is this, Portland?

Penny

Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I speak Italian!

Alex

[her face and hands smeared with sauce] Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I eat ribs!

Alex

Hello filthies. Look who I ran into at my new favorite vegan eatery "Café Thankful".

Penny

Avi...

Namaste, Penny.

Alex

Turns out we're both into cleanses.

My cleanse is pretty next level. I'm only eating clear foods, and I've given up all sexual intimacies. That's right, y'all. Avi's celibate.

Penny

Are you sure that's a choice, Avi?

Good dig. But jealousy is not a sweat pant that fits you well.

Max

Bu-bu-burn!

Alex

[goes for a high five] Oh yeah...

Please, don't touch me! I'll explode like a water bottle on a cross country flight to Albuquerque.

Max

Where's that flight from?

JFK.

Penny

Get out of my bed room!

Jane

[After Brad's suggestion to postpone Christmas in favour of celebrating Janemas] What's Janemas?

Alex

You're going to do everything you would normally do on your July birthday. I'm going to take you shopping, we're going to get our nails did, and then we're going to throw you the best birthday party ever.

Guys, I really appreciate what you're trying to do okay, but you can't shut Christmas out. It's unstoppable.

Brad

Oh, we're stopping it, missy, today. Alex is going to keep her weird present opening fetish under wraps, no pun intended.

Alex

I don't get it anyway.

Brad

And Max is going to be eggnostic for the day, pun intended.

Max

I'm not saying there is eggnog, I'm not saying there's not eggnog, what I'm saying is, there's no way to know for sure.

Alex

I really don't get that one.

Penny

There is going to be zero evidence of Christmas on your birthday.

Alex

OK, let's do this. What's my gay category?

OK, you're a twink, but I've seen you eat so you're a sloppy twink, which is not as much fun as it sounds. Penny, you drink a lot, you are really loud and you have a lot of embarrassing stories about dating. Bitch, you are a hag.

Penny

But I used to be a beard so I take that as a win.

Jane

I thought I was a hag.

No, you're a top, plain and simple.

Jane

Damn right I am.

Dave

Oh, I know what I am. I'm a scruffy power bottom because I have a goatee and I do lots of glute exercises.

Your reasoning is wrong but your conclusion is correct.

Brad

Do me, do me.

Oh, would that I could. Would that I freaking could.

Max

My only previous interracial relationship was with a Basque, but it ended 'cause, for a separatist, he was quite clingy.

Alex

Welp. You know what they say, it's not a good gang hang until someone takes a major shot to the face.