Happy Endings · Season 2
[acting as a tour guide with his limo] Welcome to Chicago! Now here's a fun fact. Chicago was originally nicknamed the Window City, but another city had that nickname first, so, thanks a lot, Omaha!
Really? That doesn't sound right.
Aah ...
Yes, it is true. We are from Omaha, and that is a true fact. We are called the Window City because of our famous Window Museum. It's a lot of looking right through other parts of the museum.
You guys watching Marty's show, Boardwalk Empire?
Marty?
Marty Scorsese.
Martin Scorsese. You can't call him that. You're not his buddy.
I'm sorry, I like to call celebrities by the name they prefer: Bobby De Niro, Sandy Bullock, Eddie Jimmy Olmos.
Have you ever felt like the Big Mac wasn't big enough? Or the foot long wasn't feet long enough? Well, have no fear, ladies and gentlemen, and feast your eyes upon [Max removes the cover from the plate] steaktanic! Two pounds of meat.
Steaktanic.
One liter of garlic aeoli.
Steaktanic.
A half a block of smoked Gouda. Three layers of lettuce ... iceberg, dead ahead.
Wow, that is disgusting ... and illegal, I think.
Steaktanic.
[to Jane] I don't even understand what you're raising money for. Animals for Change. Are you trying to genetically modify animals?
I want a teacup rhino.
"Animals for Change" helps to protect endangered species. Except for pandas. They have plenty of money. They are like the breast cancer of animal charities.
Okay, so someone else will be crafting your opening remarks.
Woo! I'm so excited. An intervention? It's like having a surprise party for someone that's going to hate you.
Hello filthies. Look who I ran into at my new favorite vegan eatery "Café Thankful".
Avi...
Namaste, Penny.
Turns out we're both into cleanses.
My cleanse is pretty next level. I'm only eating clear foods, and I've given up all sexual intimacies. That's right, y'all. Avi's celibate.
Are you sure that's a choice, Avi?
Good dig. But jealousy is not a sweat pant that fits you well.
Bu-bu-burn!
[goes for a high five] Oh yeah...
Please, don't touch me! I'll explode like a water bottle on a cross country flight to Albuquerque.
Where's that flight from?
JFK.
Get out of my bed room!
You know what I was thinking about? If Mary Tyler Moore married and then divorced Steven Tyler, then married and divorced Michael Moore, then got into a three-way lesbian marriage with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, would she go by the name Mary Tyler Moore Tyler Moore Moore Moore? Hm.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Happy Endings pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
