Max Blum quotes from Happy Endings

Max

Are you part of the conspiracy? Are you all doing this because you think l'm chubby? My doctor says l retain water like a pregnant woman in a humid climate, which is a real condition.

Max

You know what I was thinking about? If Mary Tyler Moore married and then divorced Steven Tyler, then married and divorced Michael Moore, then got into a three-way lesbian marriage with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, would she go by the name Mary Tyler Moore Tyler Moore Moore Moore? Hm.

Brad

Wow.

Penny

Rollerblades?

Max

Even I think rollerblades are gay. And I had sex with a dude last night.

Max

Half black's God's Photoshop. Worst-case scenario you're looking at the chick from Avatar.

Jane

She's blue.

Max

[acting as a tour guide with his limo] Welcome to Chicago! Now here's a fun fact. Chicago was originally nicknamed the Window City, but another city had that nickname first, so, thanks a lot, Omaha!

Really? That doesn't sound right.

Max

Aah ...

Jane

Yes, it is true. We are from Omaha, and that is a true fact. We are called the Window City because of our famous Window Museum. It's a lot of looking right through other parts of the museum.

Max

You guys watching Marty's show, Boardwalk Empire?

Jane

Marty?

Max

Marty Scorsese.

Dave

Martin Scorsese. You can't call him that. You're not his buddy.

Max

I'm sorry, I like to call celebrities by the name they prefer: Bobby De Niro, Sandy Bullock, Eddie Jimmy Olmos.

Dave

Have you ever felt like the Big Mac wasn't big enough? Or the foot long wasn't feet long enough? Well, have no fear, ladies and gentlemen, and feast your eyes upon [Max removes the cover from the plate] steaktanic! Two pounds of meat.

Max

Steaktanic.

Dave

One liter of garlic aeoli.

Max

Steaktanic.

Dave

A half a block of smoked Gouda. Three layers of lettuce ... iceberg, dead ahead.

Jane

Wow, that is disgusting ... and illegal, I think.

Max

Steaktanic.

Alex

Hello filthies. Look who I ran into at my new favorite vegan eatery "Café Thankful".

Penny

Avi...

Namaste, Penny.

Alex

Turns out we're both into cleanses.

My cleanse is pretty next level. I'm only eating clear foods, and I've given up all sexual intimacies. That's right, y'all. Avi's celibate.

Penny

Are you sure that's a choice, Avi?

Good dig. But jealousy is not a sweat pant that fits you well.

Max

Bu-bu-burn!

Alex

[goes for a high five] Oh yeah...

Please, don't touch me! I'll explode like a water bottle on a cross country flight to Albuquerque.

Max

Where's that flight from?

JFK.

Penny

Get out of my bed room!

Jane

[After Brad's suggestion to postpone Christmas in favour of celebrating Janemas] What's Janemas?

Alex

You're going to do everything you would normally do on your July birthday. I'm going to take you shopping, we're going to get our nails did, and then we're going to throw you the best birthday party ever.

Guys, I really appreciate what you're trying to do okay, but you can't shut Christmas out. It's unstoppable.

Brad

Oh, we're stopping it, missy, today. Alex is going to keep her weird present opening fetish under wraps, no pun intended.

Alex

I don't get it anyway.

Brad

And Max is going to be eggnostic for the day, pun intended.

Max

I'm not saying there is eggnog, I'm not saying there's not eggnog, what I'm saying is, there's no way to know for sure.

Alex

I really don't get that one.

Penny

There is going to be zero evidence of Christmas on your birthday.

Max

[takes out a wad of cash] Anyway, don't worry about the check, guys. I got this one.

Dave

What? Whoa.

Max

I have a little bit of disposable income these days.

Jane

Max, you cannot have disposable income when you owe us 11,000 dollars and three cats.

Max

You'll get those cats when you get those cats, Jane. And the reason I have all this extra casheesh is because my new roommate decided to pay me five months' rent in advance.

Dave

Ah yes, el nuevo roommate. When are we going to meet this guy?

Max

Oh no, you won't. I told that guy that we are going to live totally separate lives. I will not make the same mistake I made with my last roommate and get all invested in his personal business.

Dave

That was me.

Max

Yeah, and I will not make that blunder again.

Max

My only previous interracial relationship was with a Basque, but it ended 'cause, for a separatist, he was quite clingy.

Alex

Welp. You know what they say, it's not a good gang hang until someone takes a major shot to the face.