Dave Rose quotes from Happy Endings

Dave

We can prank him, beat him at his own game. We'll give him a shot of pre-vengeance, with a dose of pre-taliation, and finish him off with a load of pre-come-uppance.

Max

You guys watching Marty's show, Boardwalk Empire?

Jane

Marty?

Max

Marty Scorsese.

Dave

Martin Scorsese. You can't call him that. You're not his buddy.

Max

I'm sorry, I like to call celebrities by the name they prefer: Bobby De Niro, Sandy Bullock, Eddie Jimmy Olmos.

Dave

Have you ever felt like the Big Mac wasn't big enough? Or the foot long wasn't feet long enough? Well, have no fear, ladies and gentlemen, and feast your eyes upon [Max removes the cover from the plate] steaktanic! Two pounds of meat.

Max

Steaktanic.

Dave

One liter of garlic aeoli.

Max

Steaktanic.

Dave

A half a block of smoked Gouda. Three layers of lettuce ... iceberg, dead ahead.

Jane

Wow, that is disgusting ... and illegal, I think.

Max

Steaktanic.

Alex

OK, let's do this. What's my gay category?

OK, you're a twink, but I've seen you eat so you're a sloppy twink, which is not as much fun as it sounds. Penny, you drink a lot, you are really loud and you have a lot of embarrassing stories about dating. Bitch, you are a hag.

Penny

But I used to be a beard so I take that as a win.

Jane

I thought I was a hag.

No, you're a top, plain and simple.

Jane

Damn right I am.

Dave

Oh, I know what I am. I'm a scruffy power bottom because I have a goatee and I do lots of glute exercises.

Your reasoning is wrong but your conclusion is correct.

Brad

Do me, do me.

Oh, would that I could. Would that I freaking could.

Max

[takes out a wad of cash] Anyway, don't worry about the check, guys. I got this one.

Dave

What? Whoa.

Max

I have a little bit of disposable income these days.

Jane

Max, you cannot have disposable income when you owe us 11,000 dollars and three cats.

Max

You'll get those cats when you get those cats, Jane. And the reason I have all this extra casheesh is because my new roommate decided to pay me five months' rent in advance.

Dave

Ah yes, el nuevo roommate. When are we going to meet this guy?

Max

Oh no, you won't. I told that guy that we are going to live totally separate lives. I will not make the same mistake I made with my last roommate and get all invested in his personal business.

Dave

That was me.

Max

Yeah, and I will not make that blunder again.