Penny Hartz quotes from Happy Endings

Penny

Thanks for coming everybody. It feels like only yesterday that I was born during the 1984 Olympics, a young Jewess, 26 years ago.

Penny

[on her semester abroad in Florence] Ah, those sweet Chianti-soaked nights, strolling the banks of the Arno, meeting amazing people from all over the Big 10.

Brad

Wow.

Penny

Rollerblades?

Max

Even I think rollerblades are gay. And I had sex with a dude last night.

Penny

Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I speak Italian!

Alex

[her face and hands smeared with sauce] Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I eat ribs!

Penny

[to Jane] I don't even understand what you're raising money for. Animals for Change. Are you trying to genetically modify animals?

Brad

I want a teacup rhino.

Jane

"Animals for Change" helps to protect endangered species. Except for pandas. They have plenty of money. They are like the breast cancer of animal charities.

Penny

Okay, so someone else will be crafting your opening remarks.

Alex

Hello filthies. Look who I ran into at my new favorite vegan eatery "Café Thankful".

Penny

Avi...

Namaste, Penny.

Alex

Turns out we're both into cleanses.

My cleanse is pretty next level. I'm only eating clear foods, and I've given up all sexual intimacies. That's right, y'all. Avi's celibate.

Penny

Are you sure that's a choice, Avi?

Good dig. But jealousy is not a sweat pant that fits you well.

Max

Bu-bu-burn!

Alex

[goes for a high five] Oh yeah...

Please, don't touch me! I'll explode like a water bottle on a cross country flight to Albuquerque.

Max

Where's that flight from?

JFK.

Penny

Get out of my bed room!

Jane

You know that I love a Penny pile-on as much as the next slut but that was a massive fall and we should all thank our lucky stars that Penny made it out unscathed.

Penny

Uh friendos...I did not make it out unscathed. I am extremely scathed!

Jane

[After Brad's suggestion to postpone Christmas in favour of celebrating Janemas] What's Janemas?

Alex

You're going to do everything you would normally do on your July birthday. I'm going to take you shopping, we're going to get our nails did, and then we're going to throw you the best birthday party ever.

Guys, I really appreciate what you're trying to do okay, but you can't shut Christmas out. It's unstoppable.

Brad

Oh, we're stopping it, missy, today. Alex is going to keep her weird present opening fetish under wraps, no pun intended.

Alex

I don't get it anyway.

Brad

And Max is going to be eggnostic for the day, pun intended.

Max

I'm not saying there is eggnog, I'm not saying there's not eggnog, what I'm saying is, there's no way to know for sure.

Alex

I really don't get that one.

Penny

There is going to be zero evidence of Christmas on your birthday.

Alex

OK, let's do this. What's my gay category?

OK, you're a twink, but I've seen you eat so you're a sloppy twink, which is not as much fun as it sounds. Penny, you drink a lot, you are really loud and you have a lot of embarrassing stories about dating. Bitch, you are a hag.

Penny

But I used to be a beard so I take that as a win.

Jane

I thought I was a hag.

No, you're a top, plain and simple.

Jane

Damn right I am.

Dave

Oh, I know what I am. I'm a scruffy power bottom because I have a goatee and I do lots of glute exercises.

Your reasoning is wrong but your conclusion is correct.

Brad

Do me, do me.

Oh, would that I could. Would that I freaking could.