Jane Kerkovich-Williams quotes from Happy Endings

Jane

Are we gonna see any other Jackson Fives tonight? Yep. Are we gonna see any marionettes? Mos’ def. Are we gonna see any “Mos Def”s? I wouldn’t know it if we saw it.

Jane

Um I'm gonna need vodka in a water glass with ice and I'm gonna be ordering water from you all night long so... one... water, please.

Did we start already or do you really want water?

Jane

Just bring me vodka.

Max

Half black's God's Photoshop. Worst-case scenario you're looking at the chick from Avatar.

Jane

She's blue.

Max

[acting as a tour guide with his limo] Welcome to Chicago! Now here's a fun fact. Chicago was originally nicknamed the Window City, but another city had that nickname first, so, thanks a lot, Omaha!

Really? That doesn't sound right.

Max

Aah ...

Jane

Yes, it is true. We are from Omaha, and that is a true fact. We are called the Window City because of our famous Window Museum. It's a lot of looking right through other parts of the museum.

Max

You guys watching Marty's show, Boardwalk Empire?

Jane

Marty?

Max

Marty Scorsese.

Dave

Martin Scorsese. You can't call him that. You're not his buddy.

Max

I'm sorry, I like to call celebrities by the name they prefer: Bobby De Niro, Sandy Bullock, Eddie Jimmy Olmos.

Dave

Have you ever felt like the Big Mac wasn't big enough? Or the foot long wasn't feet long enough? Well, have no fear, ladies and gentlemen, and feast your eyes upon [Max removes the cover from the plate] steaktanic! Two pounds of meat.

Max

Steaktanic.

Dave

One liter of garlic aeoli.

Max

Steaktanic.

Dave

A half a block of smoked Gouda. Three layers of lettuce ... iceberg, dead ahead.

Jane

Wow, that is disgusting ... and illegal, I think.

Max

Steaktanic.

Penny

[to Jane] I don't even understand what you're raising money for. Animals for Change. Are you trying to genetically modify animals?

Brad

I want a teacup rhino.

Jane

"Animals for Change" helps to protect endangered species. Except for pandas. They have plenty of money. They are like the breast cancer of animal charities.

Penny

Okay, so someone else will be crafting your opening remarks.

Jane

You know that I love a Penny pile-on as much as the next slut but that was a massive fall and we should all thank our lucky stars that Penny made it out unscathed.

Penny

Uh friendos...I did not make it out unscathed. I am extremely scathed!

Jane

[After Brad's suggestion to postpone Christmas in favour of celebrating Janemas] What's Janemas?

Alex

You're going to do everything you would normally do on your July birthday. I'm going to take you shopping, we're going to get our nails did, and then we're going to throw you the best birthday party ever.

Guys, I really appreciate what you're trying to do okay, but you can't shut Christmas out. It's unstoppable.

Brad

Oh, we're stopping it, missy, today. Alex is going to keep her weird present opening fetish under wraps, no pun intended.

Alex

I don't get it anyway.

Brad

And Max is going to be eggnostic for the day, pun intended.

Max

I'm not saying there is eggnog, I'm not saying there's not eggnog, what I'm saying is, there's no way to know for sure.

Alex

I really don't get that one.

Penny

There is going to be zero evidence of Christmas on your birthday.

Alex

OK, let's do this. What's my gay category?

OK, you're a twink, but I've seen you eat so you're a sloppy twink, which is not as much fun as it sounds. Penny, you drink a lot, you are really loud and you have a lot of embarrassing stories about dating. Bitch, you are a hag.

Penny

But I used to be a beard so I take that as a win.

Jane

I thought I was a hag.

No, you're a top, plain and simple.

Jane

Damn right I am.

Dave

Oh, I know what I am. I'm a scruffy power bottom because I have a goatee and I do lots of glute exercises.

Your reasoning is wrong but your conclusion is correct.

Brad

Do me, do me.

Oh, would that I could. Would that I freaking could.

Max

[takes out a wad of cash] Anyway, don't worry about the check, guys. I got this one.

Dave

What? Whoa.

Max

I have a little bit of disposable income these days.

Jane

Max, you cannot have disposable income when you owe us 11,000 dollars and three cats.

Max

You'll get those cats when you get those cats, Jane. And the reason I have all this extra casheesh is because my new roommate decided to pay me five months' rent in advance.

Dave

Ah yes, el nuevo roommate. When are we going to meet this guy?

Max

Oh no, you won't. I told that guy that we are going to live totally separate lives. I will not make the same mistake I made with my last roommate and get all invested in his personal business.

Dave

That was me.

Max

Yeah, and I will not make that blunder again.