Brad Williams quotes from Happy Endings

Brad

I miss time of the month club the most. Don’t worry it’s not what you think! It’s a clock. That tells you when you’re going to get your period.

Brad

Wow.

Penny

Rollerblades?

Max

Even I think rollerblades are gay. And I had sex with a dude last night.

Penny

[to Jane] I don't even understand what you're raising money for. Animals for Change. Are you trying to genetically modify animals?

Brad

I want a teacup rhino.

Jane

"Animals for Change" helps to protect endangered species. Except for pandas. They have plenty of money. They are like the breast cancer of animal charities.

Penny

Okay, so someone else will be crafting your opening remarks.

Jane

[After Brad's suggestion to postpone Christmas in favour of celebrating Janemas] What's Janemas?

Alex

You're going to do everything you would normally do on your July birthday. I'm going to take you shopping, we're going to get our nails did, and then we're going to throw you the best birthday party ever.

Guys, I really appreciate what you're trying to do okay, but you can't shut Christmas out. It's unstoppable.

Brad

Oh, we're stopping it, missy, today. Alex is going to keep her weird present opening fetish under wraps, no pun intended.

Alex

I don't get it anyway.

Brad

And Max is going to be eggnostic for the day, pun intended.

Max

I'm not saying there is eggnog, I'm not saying there's not eggnog, what I'm saying is, there's no way to know for sure.

Alex

I really don't get that one.

Penny

There is going to be zero evidence of Christmas on your birthday.

Alex

OK, let's do this. What's my gay category?

OK, you're a twink, but I've seen you eat so you're a sloppy twink, which is not as much fun as it sounds. Penny, you drink a lot, you are really loud and you have a lot of embarrassing stories about dating. Bitch, you are a hag.

Penny

But I used to be a beard so I take that as a win.

Jane

I thought I was a hag.

No, you're a top, plain and simple.

Jane

Damn right I am.

Dave

Oh, I know what I am. I'm a scruffy power bottom because I have a goatee and I do lots of glute exercises.

Your reasoning is wrong but your conclusion is correct.

Brad

Do me, do me.

Oh, would that I could. Would that I freaking could.