Um I'm gonna need vodka in a water glass with ice and I'm gonna be ordering water from you all night long so... one... water, please.
WWaitress
Did we start already or do you really want water?
Just bring me vodka.
S1 E1Pilot
Thanks for coming everybody. It feels like only yesterday that I was born during the 1984 Olympics, a young Jewess, 26 years ago.
Wow.
Rollerblades?
Even I think rollerblades are gay. And I had sex with a dude last night.
S1 E2The Quicksand Girlfriend
Half black's God's Photoshop. Worst-case scenario you're looking at the chick from Avatar.
She's blue.
S1 E3Your Couples Friends & Neighbors
Are you part of the conspiracy? Are you all doing this because you think l'm chubby? My doctor says l retain water like a pregnant woman in a humid climate, which is a real condition.
S1 E5Like Father, Like Gun
[on her semester abroad in Florence] Ah, those sweet Chianti-soaked nights, strolling the banks of the Arno, meeting amazing people from all over the Big 10.
Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I speak Italian!
[her face and hands smeared with sauce] Oh, my God! When I get drunk, I eat ribs!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Happy Endings pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.