Gil Bender quotes from Greg the Bunny

Gil

I'm losing everything. Sandy and I are getting a divorce.

Blah

You're kidding. What happened?

Gil

Oh, you know, she says I spend too much time in the office. Uh, you know, uh, I'm not affectionate enough. Uh, I'm distant. Uh, I pat my fingers too much. You know, I'm cheap. Uh, I breathe funny. You know, I don't listen. Who knows what she's saying half the time.

You know about my movie.

Alison

Your agent called. See you bright and early in the morning, Professor Ape.

I don't think so. Because I quit.

Alison

You can't quit. We treasure you here, Warren. Plus, you're contractually obligated.

Force me to appear, and my performances will be soulless, unimpassioned and sterile.

Gil

Good. So everything's back to normal.

Gil

Okay, uh, who's the comic genius who took a whiz in Alison's car last night?

Dottie

Oh, my God. That's horrible.

Uh, well, I can't believe it. Who could be so immature?

Jack

Well, at least she has, uh, bucket seats.

Gil

Look, I'm serious. Whoever did this, you're in big trouble.

Blah

You said "urine," blah.

Gil

I'm serious! She's really pissed!

You are a pompous, self-centered monkey!

You are a shallow, manipulative trollop!

Gil

Hey, why don't we all calm down before somebody says something untrue.

Warren, stop it. There is nothing going on between Gil and me. I mean, look at him!

Gil

Hello. Person with feelings standing here.

Despite what you think, I wouldn't just sleep with anything.

Gil

Anything? Hey, you married an ape and slept with a vampire!

Gil

This thing between you and Maggie. Is it, uh, serious?

Blah

No, it's just a one-time thing. Well, technically, it's a four-time thing. But just one night.

Gil

Four?

Blah

I'm a little rusty...

Gil

Alright, how the hell did that happen?

Blah

Oh, it's all Jimmy and Greg's fault, blah. They took me to this silly phone bar, and... well, I haven't been with anyone in six years, and Maggie was there, and one thing led to another, and the next thing I know, she's blahing me.

Gil

...but Alison at the network just hated your "Trust Song," so she's making me fire you.

What? I put my heart and soul into that song.

Gil

I know. I know, and it shows, it sh--please. And I quote your song, "May my bones be crushed in moldy dust. If you can't trust, you can't trust, you can't tru-uh-ust me" when I say that I loved your song... Now your office has been cleaned out, boxes are already in your car, so off you go.

This sucks. [storms out]

Alison

What was that about?

Gil

Oh, nothing. The writer of "The Trust Song" just quit.

Alison

Oh, really? Oh, I loved that song.

Gil

Hey, we all did.

Blah

Ah, looks like our little bunny is now a rabbit, blah.

Gil

Oh, come on. He's not like you guys. He's--he's pure, he's innocent.

Jimmy

They just pulled in together.

Gil

She schtupped him.

Blah

Dottie's a fabulous girl, and we all love her. But the problem is... she's too needy.

I like needy. Last year's Christmas party, let's just say she decked my halls, and I gave her a holy night.

Gil

Lovely, Warren.

Yeah, we were joyful and triumphant. Pah rum pa pum pum.

Gil

Yeah, we get the point.

Ah, good, good, 'cause I'm out of Christmas innuendos... No, wait, uh... she was a heavenly piece.

Gil

"Greg the Bunny is a filthy stinking sock who should die, blah." You know, people, if you don't put your names on the bottom of the paper, I'm not gonna know who wrote 'em.

Blah

That one was mine, blah.

Gil

I was kidding. I know it's yours. We're all aware of your ridiculous verbal tic.

Blah

Hey, blah me.

Alison

See? Anti-puppetism is an extremely sensitive issue, Gil. Especially now during Puppet History Month.

Gil

Is it October already?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Gil

Jimmy, why don't you go with him and make sure he doesn't fall in again.

Jimmy

Yeah, that's exactly what I got my Ph.D. for.

Gil

GED. Hey, I'm not some hot chick you're trying to impress at Bennigan's.

Jimmy

No, I'm just trying to explain--

Gil

No, no, no, you're not listening. I don't care. Here's what I do care about. Tapes getting to places. Lunches getting to people. Complainers getting back to work. Delivering the tapes and the lunches to the people and the places. See? That's your job. You're the gofer.

Gopher? I thought I was the gopher? Are we getting a new gopher? Oh, God. I have to call my agent. I just bought a Porsche.

Gil

I want you to know I--I care about more than anything on earth. You're my special boy.

Corey Feldman

Michael Jackson used to tell me the same thing.