Gil Bender quotes from Greg the Bunny

Alison

You organized the game.

Gil

I'm... not sure that's... true. Uh, Doris, would you find out who organized the paintball game, and why the ladies weren't invited?

Dottie

You're talking into a humidor.

Gil

Doris, what happened to my intercom?

Dottie

There is no Doris.

Gil

Edna, would you find out what happened to Doris?

Gil

End of discussion.

No, it is not end of discussion, Gil! I do not want to sing this song with Dottie! I do not want to sing this song with Blah! I want to sing this song all by myself, you hear me? Me, me, me, me, me!

Gil

Warren, I really don't think this is the right attitude for "The Sharing Song."

Jimmy

That is one pissed off bunny.

Gil

I have a feeling this is going to end with puppets rioting in the streets. This is the Fozzie Bear verdict all over again.

Yes, you know, the boy is absolutely right. The way we puppets are depicted on television is deplorable.

Gil

You play a professor.

Not a good one. I'm drunk half the time.

Gil

...but the, uh, the truth is -- and it pains me to say this -- uh, that outfit makes you look, uh, fat. I mean, really, really heavy.

Alison

Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Like, morbidly obese. You know, like, people are going to say, you know, "What did he eat? Wilson Phillips?" She's not fat anymore, but there's three of them.

Gil

...and our little friend, Greg... Beetle-Beetlejuice.

It's Bizzlebosh. I think. And don't say "Beetlejuice" two more times.

Dottie

Oh, there you are, Gil. I hear you're casting for a singing mailman.

Gil

Yeah. He delivers letters... of the alphabet.

Alison

Oh my God. And then, instead of taking me home -- which I asked him, obviously, to take me home -- he takes me to his home. Get it? Like, his home. But then this morning--

Gil

Alison, sometimes I ask people "What's new" just to be polite.

Alison

Gil, who is that?

Gil

That's our new mailman.

Alison

He's creepy. He looks like a real mailman.

Well, I, for one, welcome my brother from the stage. It will be nice to finally have a true actor to help me carry the show's full dramatic weight.

Gil

Warren, here's your banana for the Punky the Chunky Monkey sketch. Try not to eat it this time.

Well. That was... unfortunate timing.

Dottie

You're not going to believe who I can get for this part! When you think of Broadway, who do you think of?

Gil

Nathan Lane?! You can get Nathan Lane?!

Dottie

No, bigger! Leo Kornelly!

Gil

Ahhh! Never heard of him.

Dottie

He's been in everything. He's huge. He's got more Tonys than the mob.

Gil

Tardy, get off the drums.

Tardy

Drumsticks can also be chicken.

Gil

But, you know, uh, Rochie was a, uh, bit of a health nut. He always stuck to a balanced diet. A drink in each hand.

Gil

'Cause the diet was... balanced. Okay, I put together a little video tribute. 'Cause it's not the first time Rochester's died on stage.

Yo, back off. The guy's funny.

Gil

Hey, Warren, you shouldn't kick Rochie when he's down.

Oh, right, right. Like when you fired him from his job of 15 years, and tossed him out onto the street. You replaced him with Greg, and you hired him back to be our manservant.

Gil

Uh, no. I did that when he was on top. I'm saying, don't kick him when he's down. There's a difference.

Why the hell are you wearing a dress?

Jack

Hmm? Oh, this. Yeah, huh, funny story there. Hank Thompson -- guy at my gun club -- starts shooting way better than he usually does. So I ask him what his secret is. Ladies underpants, he says. It relaxes him, slows his heartbeat, which steadies his aim. So I tried it, and I started shooting a lot better. So I added skirt, wig, makeup, some pumps -- next thing you know, I'm top marksman at my gun club. Oh, and you know what else? Works for bowling, too.

That's weird. They never let me wear my own shoes when I'm bowling.

Gil

Yeah. That's the weird part.

Alison

Jack, the woman from TV Guide is here.

Jack

Oh, no, you're kidding. This is so embarrassing... Look at this place -- it's a mess!

Yes, well, perhaps you'd like to slip into a French maid's outfit and tidy up a bit.

Gil

Boy, you actually brought a synthesizer.

Yes, well, nothing but the best for Blah's birthday.

Gil

It's Jack's birthday.

Yeah, whatever. Come on, shove aside, Bender -- the reporter can't see me.