[at the Mystery Shack door holding a lantern] Well, hello there, traveller. I see your car broke down on this lonesome country road. A place so remote that no one can hear your screams. [the traveller backs away] Pretend I didn't say that. Come in, come in, but be warned—if you enter, you may be subjected to my tales. "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise".
[he starts cackling and thunder crashes with the "Tales Designed to Sell My Merchandise" title appears; he stops for a beat]
Sorry, I was thinking of somethin' funny I heard earlier.
[Watching a cartoon chosen by Mabel]
CCinnamon
You did it, Shimmery Twinkleheart.
STShimmery Twinkleheart
No, you did it, Cinnamon.
[with Twinkleheart] Because you believed in yourself.
[Stan and Soos groan]
Everything about this is bad.
Well, that just put me 90 minutes closer to death. Time you kids learned to watch the classics from my day.
Ooh, old people movies. Get ready for references we don't understand and words we can't repeat.
YMYounger McGucket
My name is Fiddleford Hadron McGucket. For the past year, I have been working as an assistant for a visiting researcher. He has been cataloging his findings about Gravity Falls in a series of journals. I helped him build a machine which he believed had the potential to benefit all mankind, but something went wrong. I decided to quit the project. But I lie awake at night, haunted by the thoughts of what I've done. I believe I have invented a machine that can permanently erase these memories from my mind. [He holds up the memory erasing ray.] Test subject One: Fiddleford. [He shoots it. The screen goes to static and comes back on] It worked! I can't recall a thing. [Static] I call it the Society of the Blind Eye. We will help those who want to forget by erasing their bad memories! [Static, McGucket is more disheveled] Today, I came across a colony of little men, very disturbing. I would like to forget seeing this. [Static. McGucket's lab is a mess and his arm is in a cast.] I accidentally hit another car in town today. I feel terri-bibble! Terrible. I've been forgetting words lately. I wonder if there are any negative side effects... [static. McGucket has a beard and is filming from a motel.] I saw something in the lake, something big! [Rips his hair out, static.] My hair's been a-fallin' out, so I got this hat from a scarecrow. Hey, are my pants on backwards? [static. McGucket is wild-eyed and filming from the junkyard. Maniacal giggling and speaking gibberish:] Yroo Xrksvi! Girzmtov! [which is Abtash for:] Bill Cipher! Triangle! [The tape ends as McGucket forms a triangle around his right eye]
[reading a postcard from his father] "Sorry, Champ. Couldn't make it this year. Real busy again. See you next year for sure. -Dad."
RReggie
Hey, don't sweat it, cuz. You'll see him next year.
[Soos puts the postcard in a box with several other similar cards]
I'm gonna go lay down. You party without me, dudes.
So anyway, can you make anything fall in love? Like that snake and that badger?
LGLove God
Hmm, ah gee, I dunno. That might be kinda hard to- [points at the animals] KABOOM! Match made.
They're gonna make a "snadger"! How are you doing that?
LGLove God
Love potion, yo. I got it all: summer love, young love, anti-love. You just gotta put a little on your fingers, and pow!
I need that potion. How much would it cost? And would you accept squirrels as payment?
LGLove God
Whoa-ho-ho! No way. You might think you know what's best for people, but this stuff can have major social consequences. That's why it can only be used by a serious expert.
WWoman
Love God! Sign my face!
LGLove God
Only if you sign mine, baby, LET'S GET WEIRD!
T1Teen 1
[seeing Stan's balloon with the words "I Eat Kids"] I eat kids? But we're kids!
T2Teen 2
It's heaven's punishment for our terrible taste in everything! [The balloon begins to malfunction, sets fire and plummets towards a young boy and his mother who are sitting on a picnic blanket]
CCharlie
Mommy, is the floating head going to eat us?
CSCharlie's Mother
Yes, Charlie! Yes, he will!
Look at who you're talking to, boy. I'm hosting a party for the most powerful people in the world. You think they'd come here if they had to rub elbows with your kind?
"My kind"? [Looks at Pacifica] I was right about you all along. You're just as bad as your parents. Another link in the world's worst chain.
I'm sorry, they made me! I should've told you, but-
[Preston rings the bell]
[The ghost has turned all the party guests, including Dipper, Mabel, Candy, and Grenda, into wooden statues]
GAGhost of Archibald Corduroy
A forest of death, a lesson learned! And now the Northwest Manor will BURN! [laughs and sets fire to the Northwests' family portrait]
Hey, ugly! Over here! You want me to let in the townsfolk? 'Cause I'll do it! Just change everyone back!
GAGhost of Archibald Corduroy
You wish to prove yourself? Pull that lever and open the grand gate to the town! Fulfill your ancestors' promise!
Pacifica Elise Northwest, stop this instant! We can't let the town see us like this! We have a reputation to uphold! Now come into the panic room. There's enough mini-sandwiches and oxygen to last you, me, and a butler a full week. [whispering] We'll eat the butler. [Pacifica reaches for the lever] You dare to disobey us? [he rings his bell. Pacifica struggles with herself, then finally defies him] Dingally dingally! Is this bell broken?
Our family name is broken! And I'm gonna fix it!
[She pulls the lever, opening the gate and letting in the citizens camping outside]
TCTyler Cutebiker
Get in, get in.
GAGhost of Archibald Corduroy
Yes! YES! It's happening! My heart, once hard as oak, now grows soft like more of a... birch, or something. [restores the Manor and the guests to normal]
MVMarius von Fundshauser
Grenda, was it? I must speak with you. There is something about you - I can't get you out of my head. You're so bold and confident! I know you are probably out of my league, but, might I give you mein phone number?
I don't have a phone! Write it on my face!
I guess we shouldn't have sold her short. I call bridesmaid.
What? I call co-bridesmaid.
