PAgent Powers
Stanford Pines, you stand accused of theft of government waste, conspiracy, and possession of illegal weapons. How do you plead to these charges?
Uhh... guilti-cent! I mean, inno-guilty! Um... can I have my phone call?
[cut to a "Yumberjacks" fast food restaurant where Soos is at the drive-thru]
Okay, gimme whatever you got that comes with a free toy.
[via walkie-talkie] "Soos!"
[touches drive-thru lumberjack-speaker] Mr. Pines? Is this some sort of... possession situation?
"Soos, pick up!" [Soos picks up walkie-talkie]
Mr. Pines, what happened? I heard you got arrested or something? I had to go get some panic food.
"Listen, I need something from you." [at police station] You know that vending machine in the gift shop? [via walkie-talkie] "I need you to guard it with your life. No matter what happens, no matter who talks to you, don't let them touch that machine."
[the walkie-talkie slowly cuts off communications]
Time for a repair guy to become a repair man.
DTDrive-Thru Employee
[hands out a kids box] Sir, your Junior Yum-Yum Baby-Time Kiddo Meal?
Just put one in my mouth. [employee takes a fry into Soos's mouth, eats it] Let's do this.
[while Soos is tackling his boss] Soos, what are you doing?! I gave you an order!
Sorry, Mr. Pines - if that is your real name - but I have a new mission now: Protecting these kids!
Soos, you idiot, let me go!
I wanted to say that you're gonna hear some bad things about me, and some of them are true, but trust me. Everything I've worked for, everything I care about, it's all for this family!
Mabel, what if he's lying? This thing could destroy the universe! Listen to your head!
Look into my eyes, Mabel! You really think I'm a bad guy?
He's lying! Shut it down NOW!
[Mabel struggles to decide who to listen to]
[she lets go of the button switch and floats up]
MABEL, ARE YOU CRAZY?! WE'RE ALL GONNA-!
[Dipper, Stan, Soos and Mabel disappear in an explosion of white light as each of them screams. Everything floats through the white light for several seconds before it disappears and they all come crashing back down. A mysterious figure comes out of the portal, places his six-fingered hand on the journal, and puts it in his jacket pocket]
The author of the journals. [The author sheds his headscarf revealing his face; he looks identical to Stan] My brother.
Is this the part where one of us faints?
Oh, I am so on it, dude. [Does so]
Yeah, you should keep up.
I...I can keep up. [Peeks through some boards] Whoa.
Mysterious, boarded-up cave. It might be filled with lost prehistoric life forms. Or Mesoamerican gold.
[Ford and Stan punch each other and laugh]
[Ford tries to pull a board off of the cave, but fails and falls backward]
Haha! Good thing you've got your smarts, Poindexter. I've got the other thing. What is it called? Oh, right, punching! [Punches through a board; looks at his hand, which now has splinters all over it] Cool. Splinters.
[Shines flashlight into the cave] Whoa, it's so creepy in here.
[Comes into the cave] Hey, don't worry, bro. Wherever we go, we go together. Don't forget to leave our names so they know who owns the place.
[The writing on the wall in marker reads: Stanley and Stanford Pines]
SFStan and Ford
[Walk off, chanting:] Pines! Pines! Pines! Pines!
I've got some questions about all this myself, Stanley.
But... your name is Stanford.
Wait, you took my name? What have you been doing all these years, you knuckle-head?
Yeah, Grunkle Stan, no more lies. You owe us some answers: What's the deal with this portal? Why did you keep this a secret?
And what happened between you and your brother?
I hope all of this aligns exactly with my fan-fiction, Stan. If not, I will be very disappointed.
Finally, after all these long years of waiting, you're actually here. Brother!
[Punches him in the face]
Oh! Ow! What the heck was that for?
This was an insanely risky move: restarting the portal. Didn't you read my warnings?
Warnings, schmarnings. How's about maybe a thanks for saving you from what appears to be, I don't know, some kind of sci-fi sideburn dimension?
Thank you? You really think I'm gonna thank you after what you did thirty years ago?
What I did? Why, you ungrateful... [Tries to punch him but Ford ducks and grabs him] Don't expect me to go easy on you, just because you're family. [As Ford slams him to the ground] Ah!
Hey, hi. Mabel here. Quick question: What the heck is going on here?!
Stan, you didn't tell me there were children down here. And some sort of large, hairless gopher?
Heh heh. I get that a lot.
They're your family, Poindexter. Shermie's grandkids.
I...have a niece and nephew? [Shakes Mabel's hand] Greetings. Do kids still say greetings? I haven't been in this dimension for a really long time.
Whoa, a six-fingered handshake? It's a full finger friendlier than normal.
Heha, I like this kid. She's weird.
I-I can't believe it... You're the author of the journals!
I haven't just read them; I've lived them! I've been waiting for so long to meet you, I-I don't know what to say I have so many question I [Starts breathing heavily] OOH I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP. [Mabel comes over and pats him on the back] Hmmpf! No-no, false alarm. Hmmpf! Just gotta ride it out.
[In another flashback, Stanley discusses his time as a television pitchman]
SStanley
[in a commercial] Hi there. I'm Stan Pines of StanCo Enterprises. Are you sick of this always happening to you? [gets splashed with juice] Then you need the shammy of the future. Made with the same material astronauts use to clean up cranberry stains on the moon. That's the Sham-Total. It's a total sham.
[voiceover] I had made my mark alright, unfortunately, so did the shammies. Apparently the cheap dye I used to color them only made stains worse. Customers weren't crazy about that, but luckily, they were chasing me with StanCo-brand pitchforks. Suckers! I was officially banned from New Jersey, but with a quick name change, Steve Pineington was ready to take on Pennsylvania.
SStanley
[in another commercial] Hi, I'm Steve Pineington! Are you sick of bandages that are hard to remove? Then what you need is the Rip-Off. The Rip-Off won't give you rashes. I repeat, it won't give you rashes.
[voiceover] It gave you rashes.
[voiceover] I knew I'd have to record my findings. [in flashback, Stanford traces his hand on gold paper and uses it to create Journal 1] I began to keep a journal.
[squeals excitedly] The journals! [everyone stares at Dipper] Sorry, sorry, just uh... [clears throat] ...got excited there about the journals. Keep...keep talking.
I began to keep a journal. [Dipper squeals again; clears throat] Just going to ignore that…
[voiceover] I couldn't leave my brother's house until I figured out how to save him, but I needed to pay his mortgage somehow. [Stanley renovates Stanford's house into the Mystery Shack] So once in my life, people were actually buying what I was selling. And so, the Murder Hut was born! Later renamed the Mystery Shack.
[Shows the Murder Hut aka Mystery Shack over the years.]
[voiceover] Finally, I found something I was good at. For once, being a liar and a cheap paid off. [Stanley grows up.] The old me was dead, and I faked a car crash to prove it. By day, I was Stanford Pines: Mr. Mystery! [Stan shows the crowd out and goes behind the vending machine.] But by night, I was down in the basement trying to bring the real Stanford back. I couldn't risk anyone learning the truth in sabotoging my mission, so I lied to everyone: the town, my family, your parents, even you kids.
So all this time, you were just trying to save your brother. Grunkle Stan, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.
That's okay, kid. I probably wouldn't have believed me either.
Mabel! You'll never guess what I found at the store today!
Dipper No, it's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: [holding up the boxed game] Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons! You wanna play it with me?
Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising. How do you play?
Dipper The rules are simple. [opens game book] First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis poweroid. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel.
And then we ride unicorns?
Yes. And no. First we make a graph.
Ugh, this is like Homework: The Game!
[Probabilitor turns Dipper and Ford into tiny elf characters]
Ah! My ears. They're so pointy.
There better be something protective under this tunic... [checks] OH NO, THERE ISN'T!
