Dipper, can I tell you something?
[Dipper nods]
You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well, [pulls a curtain down to reveal the portal is gone] I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: [holds up a transparent sphere with a blob in it] an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not even your sister. You understand?
In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do.
Goodnight, Great Uncle Ford.
[reading from parchment] Okay, Gravity Falls elections are based on two events. The Wednesday Stump Speech, held on an actual... stump, and the Friday Debate, wherein townsfolk throw birdseed at the candidate they like most. At the end, they release a "freedom eagle" who will fly to the candidate covered in more seed and bestow a birdly kiss upon him, anointing him mayor. [awkward pause] I couldn't make this up if I wanted to.
MMisha
No way! You would never ever do that, dude… I mean, Dipper!
[Dipper starts worrying about Stan in Ford's basement]
And he's insisting on speaking his mind! [Ford is reading Journal 2 on his desk with a missing ripped page]
The Stump Speech is in a couple of days, and if he continues like this, we'll lose to Bud for sure.
[thinking] Hmm. It's a shame there isn't some device that will allow you to control someone else. [opens his drawer] Oh, wait! Of course, yes. There is. [Shows Dipper a red and blue striped tie] A long time ago, I designed a prototype for Ronald Reagan's masters. Just get Stan to wear this, and you can make him a literal talking head.
[peers inside the tie] Whoa, this is amazing! And ethically ambiguous!
[gives another blue striped tie to Dipper] As long as you wear the matching one, he'll say and do whatever you want him to.
Thank you, Great Uncle Ford! [runs off]
[waves, resumes his research] Yes, yes. Use it responsibly and all.
Hiya there! Stan Pines here. Let's get real. Do you think the women of Gravity Falls wear too much makeup?
[to Mabel] Jump in! Jump in!
[Turns on the switch]:
[Under Mabel's control] Uh, what I meant to say was: you ladies all look great. And have you done something with your hair? Girl, you are working it! [Snaps his fingers] I'm Stan Pines. You may know me as the guy who accidentally let all those bees loose in that elementary school a few years back. [Dipper quickly pulls the tie off of Mabel and puts it on, gaining control of Stan] But I believe in things. America. Freedom. Ameri-freedom! Like my opponent pointed out, I may not have a pretty face, but if you want a candidate that will listen to you, well, I'm proud to be all ears.
SShandra
[on TV] This just in! Stanford Pines loses! [a picture of Stan with the word "DISQUALIFIED" on it is shown]
DMDipper, Mabel, and Stan
[watching] WHAT?!
SShandra
Despite winning an overwhelming 95% of the vote, election officials had to disqualify him, due to discovery of an extensive criminal record.
SShandra
[reading through papers] Crimes include shoplifting, teaching bears to drive, a new crime he invented called "burgle-bezzlement", first-degree "llama-cide"...?
[shakes fist] That llama knew too much!
SShandra
Due to this shocking development, it would appear the mayorship passes to the only candidate who actually filled out their paperwork: local enthusiasm enthusiast Tyler Cutebiker.
[Tyler is shown on a podium, with Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland giving him a mayoral sash and a bouquet of flowers as a crowd cheers]
SShandra
[is handed a gigantic stack of paper to read from] We will dedicate the rest of this broadcast to listing Stan's crimes: first-degree thermometer theft, pug trafficking...
[Before Stan turns off the TV, a list is shown reading: "FIRST-DEGREE THERMOMETER THEFT. PUG TRAFFICKING. SNACKS EVASION. PICKPOCKETING. WOODPECKER BAITING. IMPERSONATING A DENTIST. GENERAL INDECENCY. GOLF CART THEFT. BINGO FRAUD. TELLING JOKES THAT JUST GO ON AND ON, I MEAN, I HAVE THINGS TO DO TODAY, REALLY."]
Whew! At least they didn't list any of the bad ones! On an unrelated topic, I have a lot of cheap pugs and I need to move them fast.
SGShady Gnome
[trades two bags for a jar containing butterflies] Two bags of fairy dust, just like we agreed.
[checks bags] Where do you get this stuff?
SGShady Gnome
Everyone likes sausage, but no one likes to know how it’s made.
[takes off shades] You disgust me.
SGShady Gnome
You've got your poison, I've got mine. We made a deal.
Yeah, well, the deal is OFF!
[Several police officer gnomes spring out, aiming pinecones at the shady gnome]
PGPolice Officer Gnome
Freeze! You're under arrest! Get down! Get down!
SGShady Gnome
These butterflies aren't mine! I swear! I've been framed!
PGPolice Officer Gnome
Tell it to the adorable owl we've dressed as a judge! [to Grenda] My cut? [Grenda gives him one of the bags]
BUBlue Unicorn
Yo, C-beth, are you seriously pulling this "pure of heart" scam again?
RURed Unicorn
That is messed up, man.
RURed Unicorn
Kid, unicorns can't see into your heart. All our dumb horns can do is glow, point towards the nearest rainbow and play rave music! [horn lights up and plays music]
BUBlue Unicorn
Yeah, the whole "pure of heart" racket is just a line we use to get humans to leave us alone.
CCelestabellebethabelle
[awkwardly] Guys, shut up...
[enraged] All this time... all this time, I thought I was a bad person, but you're even worse than I am!
CCelestabellebethabelle
Okay, fine! So you learned our secret. We're jerks, okay? We have more hair than we know what to do with, and we keep it to ourselves just to tick humans off. What are you gonna do about it? Huh, huh? What are you gonna do?!
[Mabel punches her on the nose, making it leak rainbow-colored blood]
Bill! You lied to me! Where does that portal really lead?!
Hoho! Looks like Mr. Brainiac finally got smart. Let's just say that when that portal finishes charging up, your dimension is gonna learn how to party. Right, guys?
[Dark shapes cackle from inside the portal]
No! I'll stop you! I'll shut it down!
A deal's a deal, Sixer. You can't stop a bridge between our worlds from coming, but it would be fun to watch you try. Cute, even.
You've protected your family. You're a good person, Mabel.
Thanks, Grunkle Ford, but today I learned that morality is relative.
[runs past, grabbing a pile of gold] MONEY!
Kid, I gotta admit something. I'm no expert on women. Truth is, I've been divorced once, and slapped more times than I can remember. Confidence can buy you a lot, but at the end of the day, pickup artists tend to get our heads bitten off. When it comes to women, I'm a failure.
Hey, we're both failures.
