Danny Tanner quotes from Full House

Danny

How did I get so messed up? Guess it goes back to my mom. On my fifth birthday, she gave me my own set of vacuum cleaner attachments. She used to call me her special helper. Oh, my God. That's exactly what I'm doing to Michelle. She's probably gonna grow up and write one of those tell-all books, "Daddy Cleanest". I gotta make some changes in my life.

Danny

Let's go mom, your bags are in the cab, the meter's running.

The baby's sleeping like a baby.

Stephanie

Okay. Once upon a time, there was a pretty girl named Cinderella. Daddy.

Danny

And, uh, Cinderella wanted to go to this big fancy ball. And on the way, she wandered into this cabin... and she fell asleep in Papa Bear's bed.

Stephanie

I don't think so.

Danny

No, wait, honey. It gets better. So... she's on the bed, she's out like a light when all of a sudden...

Stephanie

(makes a time's-up buzzer sound) Joey.

Joey

Um... when Cinderella woke up, she was real thirsty... so she went to 7-Eleven for a Slurpee, where she ran into Bullwinkle. So Bullwinkle says, "Hello, Cinderella. Would you like to come to the ball with me? Not only am I a great dancer, but you can hang your coat on my antlers." Kids love this stuff. So...

D.J.

(she makes a buzzer sound) Uncle Jesse!

Jesse

So Cinderella, Bullwinkle. They get married, right? The go on The Newlywed Game, and they win a grand prize selected especially for them. Good night.

Stephanie

(buzzer sound again) Daddy.

Danny

Until... the Big Bad Wolf came over. And he said, "Open up... or I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house down. And I can do it too, because as we all know... wolves have an amazing lung capacity."

Stephanie

(buzzer sound) Joey!

Joey

So--

D.J.

(buzzer sound) Uncle Jesse!

Jesse

So the wolf, the moose, the babe... They all fell in love, right? They moved to Sweden, where the people are a lot more cool about that sort of thing... and that's the end of the story. Goodnight and goodbye.

D.J.

No monsters, no witches... but that story was very scary.

Danny

D.J., Stephanie, please come over here right now. Girls, we have a problem with Uncle Jesse.

D.J.

Oh, no, Dad, we didn't have any problems with Uncle Jesse at all.

Danny

I'm sorry. He was just so irresponsible. (looking under the table not realizing it's their fault) What is this? Uh-oh. Empty bowls and empty cartons. (sarcastically) Oh, now I see what happened. (not realizing that D.J. and Stephanie actually ate the ice cream sundaes and drank the chocolate milk) Uncle Jesse forced ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk down your throats -- and then he hid the evidence under your table. Oh, the sick fiend. He probably ignored you when you told him no sweets after bedtime, huh?

D.J.

Probably.

Danny

No "probably" about it, because otherwise, you'd be lying. And you know better than that, don't you?

Stephanie

Probably.

Danny

(still not realizing what D.J. and Stephanie did, but is still afraid they're fibbing) Well, that does it. I guess asking Uncle Jesse to move in here was a big mistake. In fact, this may be a matter for the police. Now, sweet dreams, my perfect little angels.

Stephanie

Daddy! We were bad.

D.J.

We did everything. We even ordered the pizza. We should go and apologize to Uncle Jesse.

Danny

You're right. You go first.

Danny

Steph, don’t you want to go to school and be smart?

Stephanie

I’ll stay home and watch public television.

Jesse

Come on, Steph, spill your guts. Why don't you wanna go to school?

Stephanie

Because I don't know anybody. I'll be all alone, it'll be real scary, I won't know anybody. And I won't have any friends.

Danny

Oh. But Steph, you're gonna make friends. I promise. You and I, we're gonna go down there together. And Daddy's not gonna leave 'til everything's alright.

D.J.

Oh dad, after Stephanie’s recital, can we hit the big sale at the Fashion Mart. Everything is half off.

Danny

Of course, that doesn’t save me any money, because you’ll just buy twice as much stuff, right?

D.J.

I like your attitude.

Danny

Hold on, Steph, I'm gonna call the cable company.

Stephanie

You'll get a busy signal....fix it!

Jesse

You waltz in here 25 minutes late and expect sympathy?

Danny

I didn't know...

Jesse

I have cleaned the house, and washed and ironed your clothes, and ran a daycare center for socially deviant munchkins, and missed Oprah. Ran this one to a ballet lesson, this one to a dentist. [shows D.J.'s teeth] No cavities, thank you very much. Do you realize I have slaved over a hot stove so you could have a hot meal when you come home?! Huh?! Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

Danny

Jesse, I'm sorry.

Jesse

"Sorry". "Sorry". "Sorry" doesn't change the fact that my chicken tetrazzini is ruined! Ruined! It's all dried out. But do you have the common courtesy to call me and tell me you're going to be 25 minutes late?! NO! Well, I am not an animal. Oh, my God. What's happening to me? I'm turning into June Cleaver.

Stephanie

Daddy, could we talk to you?

Danny

Sure. I thought we were going out for ice cream.

D.J.

We wanted to make sure we still liked it.

Danny

What happened?

Jesse

Aw, they messed up my jingle tape. Joey's goin' away. I'm gonna hafta do this whole thing over again.

Danny

Don'tcha think you're overreacting?

Jesse

Overreacting? You think I'm overreacting?! I'm not overreacting! Okay?! I had this all worked out! I spent the whole night doin' it! Now my whole life is ruined! Okay. Now, I'm overreacting.

Danny

Jess, ya lost your temper again. Huh?

Jesse

Well, she shouldn't be in here-- [sighs] Ah, I'm just tired. I lost my cool. I did come down on her pretty hard. Didn't I? She'll be okay?

Danny

I think you better straighten this out.

Jesse

Yeah. All right. I know just how to handle this.

Danny

Good. Jesse?

Jesse

Huh?

Danny

D'you need a hug?

Jesse

Haven't I been through enough?

Young Jesse

Hey! One at a time!

There's the kid who was picking on me!

That's it, I'm calling your parents!

Young Joey

But...

Young Danny

Wait, Miss Borland. That boy's lying, Joseph has been a perfect angel.

Tanner's the liar!

That's not possible! Daniel Tanner's never been in trouble a day in his life. Let's you and I visit the principal, Sheldon.

Sheldon?

(Looking at Young Joey & Young Danny)

Young Joey

Thanks man, you saved my life!

Young Danny

You saved me first.

Rebecca

Well, we better get going. You don't wanna miss your plane.

You're right, it might accidentally take off on time. Come on, Howie, wake up. It's time to go.

Howie, no go.

Danny

Howie, yes go. Howie go back home.

Me go.

Danny

[imitates an Indian] No, little Kemo Sabe. No can go to Nebraska. Take many moons.

Hasta luego.

Danny

Ah... El Pollo Loco!

DJ

Dad, you got to do something; listen to my report card. It's so unfair! A-A-A-A-A-A...

Joey

How dare they! This is an outrage!

DJ

Listen to my Spanish grade-D

Danny

A D in Spanish?

Joey

Que pasa?

DJ

Huh?

Danny

Joey, let's go! We're gonna be late!

Joey

Danny, what is the big rush?

Danny

Joey, you know I always leave the house at exactly 7:48. Now, thanks to you, I'm already two minutes late.

Joey

What are you talking about? We are right on time.

Danny

Joey. That's a barometer.

Joey

Well, in that case, we'd better get moving. There's a hurricane brewing.