Martin Crane quotes from Frasier

Martin

D'you think you could get me a tape of the show?

Frasier

What on Earth for?

Martin

How often d'you get to hear your son on the radio?

Frasier

(glares at him) I'm on the radio EVERY DAY!

I'm sorry, I have some issues with my father.

Martin

Excuse me again.

Frasier

I have no idea what that would be like!

Frasier

Listen, I'm sorry to uproot you like this, it's just-

Martin

No, it's all right. I'd rather clear the decks for a date than for one of your theme parties. Though I am kinda sorry I missed "An Evening With Moe Howard."

Frasier

That was Noël Coward!

Daphne

Donny had to fly out to Florida. His grandmother. She'd do anything to come between us.

Martin

What'd she do this time?

Daphne

She died.

Frasier

Oh, so nothing about it jumped out at you as, oh, I don't know, encephalitic?!

Martin

So they gave you a big forehead. Who cares? It makes you look smart.

Frasier

It makes me look like I discovered fire!

Martin

Oh, that poor guy probably just needed a nap. It's the jet lag. Couple of days and he'll be on our time.

Frasier

A couple more days, he'll be on our sidewalk!

Niles

Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to throw a little last-minute get-together to toast our nuptials.

Martin

Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the only one havin' your nuptials toasted.

Frasier

Look at him, over-acting. Trying to convince everybody he's happily married. Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?

Martin

How about you and Lilith?

Frasier

It was a rhetorical question!

Martin

Hey, Abby, have you heard this one? How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know. How many cops planted it there?

Frasier

Thrust and parry, Dad.

Frasier

I couldn't let you do that, Abby. I wanted to pay for dinner.

Martin

Don't worry; you are.

Daphne

Christmas is about more than beer, Mr Crane.

Niles

Yeah, and this year's extra special 'cos Daphne and I are together.

Martin

Well, that's true. No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith...Maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.

Frasier

Dad, I thought you were going to clear out tonight. I've got a date!

Kenny

Doc, I need you in the bedroom. (exit)

Martin

(pause) Pretty.

Martin

What happened?

Niles

Oh, Daphne tripped on something and fell.

Martin

Where's Eddie? Oh my god, Eddie! Eddie! (Eddie runs into the scene and jumps on the couch) (Martin sighs of relief) Oh, there he is. I thought maybe he ran away or something.

Niles

Oh darling, look at that, your ankle's swelling up already. (Points to it)

Daphne

It's the other one!

Martin

Here, let me give you a hand.

Daphne

Yeah, and no cracks, old man! I know I've gotten heavy and I've resolved to do something about it.

Martin

All right, on three. One, two, three! (Martin and Niles lift without results) Maybe the super has a hand truck.

Daphne

Kill me!

Frasier

(enters) Good lord, what happened?

Niles

Daphne twisted her ankle and fell. Come help us lift her.

Martin

Okay, boys, be careful. Use your legs. (The Crane men lift Daphne up)

Daphne

Oh, bloody hell! I'm wearing two different shoes!

Martin

Daphne, I just thought of somethin' funny: It took three Cranes to lift you!

Frasier

You don't think it's clear that I enjoy the wine?

Martin

I don't think it's clear you're talking about wine.

Niles

I'm getting oak with plummy overtones.

I'm getting screwed on alimony.

Martin

(Walks in) Niles, I want to talk to you.

Niles

Dad! What happened, is there something wrong?

Martin

You're damn right there is, it's about you and Frasier! (notices) Good God, you wear a sash?!

Niles

Frasier sent you down here, didn't he?

Frasier

(o.s. from above) No!

Martin

Frasier, get in here now!

Frasier

Dad, this isn't necessary.

Niles

Yeah, we-we can talk about this some other time.

Martin

Zip it up, both of you! I just gave up the best meal of my life to come down here, so listen up. Niles, let your brother play.

Niles

Dad, this is not a game, this is a club, and Frasier broke the rules!

Frasier

Technically, I-

Martin

Hold it! (To Niles) Well, then you write a new rule so that Frasier can come back.

Frasier

First, I want an apology-

Martin

I said zip it!

Niles

He did, I heard him!

Martin

Don't get smart! Now, are you gonna let your brother play?

Niles

Dad-

Martin

Are you gonna let your brother play?

Niles

Why-

Martin

Are you gonna let your brother play?

Niles

I-

Martin

Are you gonna let your brother play?

Niles

(Gives in) Fine.

Martin

Am I gonna have any more trouble between you two?

(Humbly) No.

Martin

No, what?

No, sir.

Martin

Good. Now shake hands. (They do) That's more like it. Now if you don't mind, I've got a big plate of Gewürzplatzchen waiting for me at home with my name on it. (Leaves)

Niles

Uh, well, [chuckles] let's get back to the wine, shall we?

You got yelled at by your dad. (All the members laugh)

Niles

Well, be that as it may-

Zip it! (Everyone laughs louder)